Love Your Enemy: But When Your Enemy Is ISIS?

Guys, I am so torn on my feelings about ISIS. On one hand, I'm infuriated. How can people be so evil? How can you have such little regard for human life? And then I think about our friend, Ronnie, who had a profound impact on our lives before he was murdered in Libya for being a Christian a little over a year ago. As I was struggling not to hate his killers, I watched his precious wife, Anita, tearfully and sincerely declare on tv interviews that she was praying for his killers and that she forgave them. That she wanted them, yes even them, to encounter God's love. Incredible.

And I read in my Bible about Paul, who was arguably the most influential Christian ever to live, who wrote a large portion of the New Testament. And how did he get his start? He was killing Christians! He threw entire families into prison and oversaw the slaughter of many many people based solely on the fact that they believed in Jesus. That's WHO HE WAS until Jesus intervened in his life and forever changed him to not only believe, but to go on to proclaim God's love to the entire world. Paul was basically ISIS! And God's grace was big enough to reach him. How scandalous!

It is in this perspective that the Bible says to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Jesus wasn't just talking about obnoxious coworkers or rude neighbors (like our previous neighbor that hated our kids. She was pretty nasty.) It's talking about those that will persecute you, even kill you, for your faith. So when I hear reports of Christians in these countries praying for the members of ISIS to encounter Jesus and be forever changed, I am incredibly humbled. 

I have never personally known persecution in the way that many of these Christians are experiencing. I marvel at their faith and love and ability to endure such things. It causes me to ask God to open my eyes to the world outside of my community, where things are very very different and yet God is doing amazing things in these communities and through these believers. I will join them as they pray for God's love to move forward, even to penetrating the hearts of these killers.

I am not saying we don't fight for what is right or that we don't try to stop evil that is happening. Yes, of course we do! This is what I naturally gravitate toward. DOING something. And we should. But maybe that's why I am so profoundly impacted by the reports from these persecuted Christians calling for us to pray for ISIS. That's not the first thing I think of "doing". But, if you are a Christian, we start first with prayer because we know that God's love is powerful enough to change cold hearts. That he would even save Paul after he killed so many, that he would even save ME when I was far from deserving it. This is the gospel. That God would reach down to love us and save us when we were dead in our sins. And so I will join with our fellow Christian's as they pray for God's love to do something amazing here...

WE ARE MOVING!!!

So many emotions lately as we begin to transition into a new phase of life! We are moving to Austin, TX in a few weeks (which was home to us before moving to STL) and it is so bittersweet. 

We moved to St Louis four and a half years ago for Stephen to serve as a worship pastor at a church called The Journey.  Our time here has certainly been a journey...we've had some of the best and hardest years of our life so far while in St Louis. In many ways I feel like we grew up while we were here.  We've made so many wonderful friends that we love deeply. We adopted two little boys. We had a baby. We were blessed to be a part of 3 different campuses across St Louis over the years here and are thankful for our time at each one. 

We also had several miscarriages and a couple of other traumatic events. While here I experienced the deepest pain I've ever gone through. I struggled and mourned and took over a year to work through some deep grief. Then I saw God restore so much in my life and bring healing to my heart. I experienced his faithfulness in ways I never had before.  I am in awe of his goodness to me. I still cry when I think about how faithful he has been. I do not deserve it. How beautiful this time has been for me. I am so thankful for it all. 

God recently brought along a new opportunity for our family that we are very excited about. Stephen has accepted a position at a wonderful church in Austin called Real Life. It's been amazing to see how God has orchestrated it all together and we have already been so blessed by how kind and gracious the people there have been to our family and band. We are confident that this will be a great fit for Stephen, the band and our family long-term and we are so excited to partner with them in sharing the gospel in Austin. We are also looking forward to being close to family again. Having five kiddos (and wanting to possibly adopt again at some point) is wonderful and challenging at the same time, and it will be such a blessing to have family near by. Not to mention, we just love our families. They are awesome! :) 

Anyway, this is obviously a huge change for our us. We are listing our home this week and moving in August. If you think of us, please say a little prayer for our family as we transition to a different home, city, school and church. 

And if you are one of our friends in STL, we want to hang out with you before we move!! If you are a friend in Austin, we want to hang out with you after we move!! :)

A Year of Restoration

The other day I stood in my kitchen literally in tears.  It wasn't because I was upset.  Quite the contrary, I have been utterly in awe of what God has done this year... in my life, in my marriage, in my family.

We recently attended our church's staff Christmas party.  It's always tons of fun and something that we look forward to each year.  However, this year's party also brought with it a deep realization of God's kindness to me.  You see, last year's party happened to fall on the weekend that I would have been due to have our baby that we lost.  We went to the party, but I have to say that I was miserable the whole time.  We didn't stay long because I was on the verge of tears the whole night.  It had been months since I had miscarried our baby but I was still in so much pain.  I would go on to find out I was pregnant a couple weeks later while in the hospital for some strange stomach/throat pain (Again we were overjoyed!) but I miscarried again a couple days later while celebrating Christmas with my family in Austin.

All that to say, between the brokenness from miscarriages and health issues and other pain from strained relationships, we ended last year thanking the Lord for his goodness despite our circumstances but begging him to bring healing and restoration in our lives in the coming year.

And wow! This year we've seen the Lord...

-Direct us to a holistic doctor that pinpointed the cause of several of my long-term health issues that baffled all other doctors and hospitals.

- Restore a friendship that is very dear to us

- Bring closure and healing with our church from past things

- Bless us with our precious little boy, Ethan Brenton Miller


I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for all that God has done this year.  He knew our pain and saw our brokenness and brought us the healing that we so needed.  I am in awe of his goodness to me!

I do want to say that Stephen and I very much wanted to have another child, but even if the Lord had not seen fit to give us another baby biologically, his faithfulness would not have been any less.  We've experienced the joys of both having a baby biologically and the joys of having children through adoption and though the methods look different on the outside, the blessing is the same.  In fact, we hope to one day adopt again when the time is right. Surely there is room in our big crazy family for one more, right? :)

If there is anything that I can share from all of this, it is that God is SO good! Whether in those seasons of difficulty or in the times of restoration, HE IS GOOD!

My Bigdaddy

We called him Bigdaddy.  Standing tall at 6 ft 6 in, it wasn't surprising to know that he had been in the military or that he had been the Athletic Director for Houston Baptist University.  Despite his size, he was one of the most approachable gentle kind of men there was, especially to his little granddaughters.

I remember being very young and making popsicles with him out of pineapple orange juice.  I remember him pushing me on the tire swing while singing his own made-up songs with silly lyrics that would make me and my sisters laugh.  When we were little and seated on his knee (and more recently for our own kiddos, his great-grandkids) he loved to make this goofy duck quacking noise meant to make us giggle that was half hilarious, half frightening.  My sisters and I still laugh about the duck noises. :)

Bigdaddy also loved to play golf.  When we would visit, he would take me and my sisters for a ride, two at a time, in his golf cart.  We loved it so much! Sometimes he would take us through the neighborhood to the nearby Dairy Queen, where he would let us pick out a frozen treat if we "promised not to tell mother or grandmother." Then we would drive through the golf course, up and down the hills, and he would let us hold on to the steering wheel and help to drive.   We would always stop the cart at several locations and get out and look for lost golf balls to collect.  I always smile when I think about one afternoon, when we weren't having much luck finding any golf balls.  My youngest sister and I felt bad for our Bigdaddy, so when he wasn't looking we tossed a few of the ones in the cart out into the grass.  Then we said, "Look Bigdaddy! I think I see a golf ball right over there!" Looking back, I'm not sure if he knew what we had done, but if he did he played along so well. "Well, look at that!" he said with a smile.  "Here, you girls can hold these since you spotted them!"

Bigdaddy was the kind of man that many people were touched by.  He wasn't just an amazing father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  As I hear stories of so many people talking about how he touched their lives, I know that he was a spiritual father for many as well.  Shortly after Stephen and I first started dating, I introduced Stephen to my grandparents.  At the end of that very first visit, I remember Bigdaddy telling Stephen, "Now Stephen, regardless of whether or not things work out between you and our granddaughter, we want you to know that you are like a grandson to us now.  If you ever need anything at all, you let me know."  And just like that, Bigdaddy took my future husband under his wing and promised to be there for him.

 He was more than just a granddad to Stephen and I.  He was a mentor to us.  When I wrecked Stephen's car while we were still dating, my grandparents got him a replacement.  When we had our first baby and needed a more reliable vehicle, they loaned us the money interest-free to buy a better one.  They showed us how to pay it down quickly, and when we had done so quite a bit, they went ahead and forgave the rest of the loan.  I remember him always telling us, "Now one of the first things that most young people do when they get married is go into debt.  But the last thing you want to do is go into debt. It's a cycle that you'll be stuck in for years. Instead, save up and pay cash." He taught us not just about finances but about marriage, loving your spouse well, and living a life of faith and of generosity.  He did so with not only his words but even more so by how he lived life.  He was kind, gentle, and extremely generous.  He loved the Lord so deeply, and it showed throughout his life.  

Yesterday morning my Bigdaddy passed away.  In some ways I can hardly believe it.  Is he really gone? This man that has made such a mark on my life and my family. Almost a year ago, we sat in his living room and I watched as he played with my own children the same way that he played with me as a little girl.  How I wish I could talk with him one more time to tell him how much of an impact he made on me, on Stephen, on our children, on so many others.  How I wish I could hug him one more time and tell him how much I love him. This man... what a life well lived.  I will never be able to count all of the ways that he has blessed his family, his friends, and so many others.  One day, though... one sweet day we will see him again.  I can only imagine the sheer joy that he is experiencing right now.  He gets to see Jesus, and no doubt hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

We love you, Bigdaddy and already miss you more than words can say.
     

Good-bye to a Year From Hell

Another year has passed us by! We have made so many special memories that I will always cherish and have so much to be thankful for and yet I have a confession to make.

I am SO glad it is over!  

Not that starting a new year automatically means that the specific difficulties that we've dealt with the past year and pain we've experienced will all of the sudden vanish, but I do feel like in some ways we are getting a fresh start.  

Stephen and I have been married for almost 10 years now, and both of us agree that this has definitely been the hardest year of lives since we've been married... maybe ever.  The other day I told him that I've nicknamed this year "The year from Hell" and we both laughed for a minute before our laughter turned into genuine tears.  So much pain... at times it feels like we're on a roller coaster and don't know how we should feel.  

Do we laugh at how ridiculous some of the things we've gone through have been and the sheer amount of it all? Do we shrug our shoulders and just keep moving? Do we let the tears keep coming even though it seems like there's something else every time we turn around? 

We've been clinging to God all the more this past year and the knowledge that he is faithful and good even in the hard times.  I mean, we, like everyone else, have been through hard times.  We know what it's like to experience financial stress, job changes, health issues and more.  But this... good grief, it takes my breath away.  Never have we experienced such deep pain... and so much of it.  

One of the things that we've recently started doing to help us wade through some of this has been to start seeing a Christian counselor.  I'll admit that I was a bit nervous about going at first.  We've heard great things from so many friends about how helpful counseling can be, and yet I had concerns about opening up to someone about things that have been so hurtful to us.  Could they really understand? 

When we shared what we've been going through the past year or so with our counselor I actually was shocked at his response.  I think I was expecting him to say something about just trusting God more or perhaps even belittle the pain that we were in.  Instead he said, "I'm amazed that you two are sitting here together to seek healing and try to move forward.  Half of what you just told me would be enough stress to wreck a marriage."  I think that was exactly the encouragement that I needed to hear.  Yeah, you have gone through a great deal of difficulty.  And it's ok to be in pain.  It doesn't mean that you don't trust the Lord.  Something that he said that really stuck out to me was this.  

"You have gone through some things that are very painful and they are worth grieving over.  The loss of a baby, the loss of a friendship, the death of a dream...  These are things that are naturally heartbreaking for us and rightly so. There isn't a moment in this world where beauty and brokenness aren't kissing.  It is necessary for us to grieve over these things and appropriate for us to weep and lament over them."

I've done my fair share of weeping this year.  I am ready for a new chapter.  I am ready to see the Lord bring about healing and restoration in our lives.  I know that there is a season for everything, and also that God is near the broken-hearted.  I have felt him very near me this year, even in the pain.  And now I am ready to see him do a new work in our lives... to turn our ashes into beauty.  What a good God I have! I am in awe of his faithfulness and grace in my life!  I am so undeserving and yet he is good and kind and faithful anyway. Thank you, Lord.  

He Is Enough

So I know I haven't written in a while. Boy, there have been quite a few times that I've wanted to, but the chaos of our summer schedule has certainly made it hard.  More than that, though, is just how crazy the past few months have been emotionally.  We've experienced some very high highs and some very hard lows and honestly... I'm tired. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this place before. We're rejoicing over so many blessings, praising God for how good he is.  But we're also hurting from difficult circumstances and unkind people, yet still praising God for how faithful he is.  It is amazing to see how much God can grow us and strengthen us through times like this, and yet in the moment I feel anything but strong. I feel exhausted, hardly able to carry on. My heart is bruised and sore yet joyful and hopeful.  It's so weird how a person can have such conflicting emotions all at the same time!

I know in times like this I really only have one choice if I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually.  Christ has given us his example of how to love, how to forgive daily, how to persevere under hardship, how to walk in humility and therefore guard our hearts against bitterness.

God is so good. I don't mean that lightly. He is good enough to change us and make us more like him, but he is also good enough to be there every step of the way. When it hurts like crazy and everything in you wants to scream "No, no, no!!" he is there gently guiding you and lovingly holding you. When it seems to be too much, His grace is sufficient for another day. If there is one thing that I know, it's that He is enough.

Beauty from Ashes

Aching.  That is the word that describes much what I've felt the past few weeks.  Have you ever gone through something that left you speechless, feeling paralyzed, and full of deep aching?

About a month ago, Stephen and I went through something that was utterly heart-breaking for us.  I think it was one of the first, if not the first time that I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could hardly function at first.  I've found that it helps for me to talk about it so I'd like to share this story with you.

You see, this past March Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby.  We had talked about the possibility of either adopting again or having one more baby first, and although the timing was not planned, our excitement grew each day as we prayed for and dreamed about what this baby was going to be like.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I would hear Stephen talk excitedly about the baby or the proud look on his face when we told our close friends and family the news.  We were thrilled.

We went together to the 8-week appointment to have an ultrasound done. On the way, Stephen and I talked about how we would announce it to our kids and about how we would celebrate as a family that evening.  (I had taken the positive test about 5 weeks earlier but we wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound and knew the due date before announcing it publicly or telling our kids.)  I was so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  We marched into the waiting room, hand in hand, with smiles on our faces. God was giving us another child! Sure, five would be quite a handful, but we'd already settled into having four pretty well.  As my mom told me, "If you can handle four, you can handle five." I just couldn't wait to see him or her on the ultrasound.

Our doctor was wonderful but it didn't take long to see that something wasn't quite right.  It shouldn't take so long to find the heartbeat, right?  She eventually told us that the baby had not made it and that I would probably miscarry in the next day or two.  I tried my hardest not to fall apart in that room.  She printed off a picture of our baby to take home so that we could remember him or her.  I was utterly heartbroken.  What was I suppose to do now?  One moment we were eagerly planning for another little boy or girl and the next they were gone. I went home and wept bitterly.

It's been a little over a month now, and there are a few things that I've learned and am learning from this experience.

- I am not alone.  We had so many wonderful people come forward to encourage us and support us, many sharing stories of their own loss. I didn't realize just how many others have been through something similar, and I am learning so much about how to be a comfort to those that are hurting by the example that many have shown to us.  Thank you for your love, your generosity, and your willingness to comfort us when we were hurting.

- We are so blessed.  I can look around and see so many ways that God has truly blessed us.  Going through something difficult is such a good reminder that we still have so much to be thankful for.  I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband and my four precious kids that I have the privilege to call my own.  They are such a joy in my life.

- God is still faithful.  Even when things are difficult and even when it breaks our heart, we can rest in knowing that God is still good.  We may never know why some things happen, and that can be very hard, but we do know that God keeps his promises and that in all things (even the awful things) God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)  Thank you Lord for being faithful and good despite our circumstances.  We know that we can trust you.

He makes beauty from ashes.