Beauty from Ashes

Aching.  That is the word that describes much what I've felt the past few weeks.  Have you ever gone through something that left you speechless, feeling paralyzed, and full of deep aching?

About a month ago, Stephen and I went through something that was utterly heart-breaking for us.  I think it was one of the first, if not the first time that I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could hardly function at first.  I've found that it helps for me to talk about it so I'd like to share this story with you.

You see, this past March Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby.  We had talked about the possibility of either adopting again or having one more baby first, and although the timing was not planned, our excitement grew each day as we prayed for and dreamed about what this baby was going to be like.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I would hear Stephen talk excitedly about the baby or the proud look on his face when we told our close friends and family the news.  We were thrilled.

We went together to the 8-week appointment to have an ultrasound done. On the way, Stephen and I talked about how we would announce it to our kids and about how we would celebrate as a family that evening.  (I had taken the positive test about 5 weeks earlier but we wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound and knew the due date before announcing it publicly or telling our kids.)  I was so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  We marched into the waiting room, hand in hand, with smiles on our faces. God was giving us another child! Sure, five would be quite a handful, but we'd already settled into having four pretty well.  As my mom told me, "If you can handle four, you can handle five." I just couldn't wait to see him or her on the ultrasound.

Our doctor was wonderful but it didn't take long to see that something wasn't quite right.  It shouldn't take so long to find the heartbeat, right?  She eventually told us that the baby had not made it and that I would probably miscarry in the next day or two.  I tried my hardest not to fall apart in that room.  She printed off a picture of our baby to take home so that we could remember him or her.  I was utterly heartbroken.  What was I suppose to do now?  One moment we were eagerly planning for another little boy or girl and the next they were gone. I went home and wept bitterly.

It's been a little over a month now, and there are a few things that I've learned and am learning from this experience.

- I am not alone.  We had so many wonderful people come forward to encourage us and support us, many sharing stories of their own loss. I didn't realize just how many others have been through something similar, and I am learning so much about how to be a comfort to those that are hurting by the example that many have shown to us.  Thank you for your love, your generosity, and your willingness to comfort us when we were hurting.

- We are so blessed.  I can look around and see so many ways that God has truly blessed us.  Going through something difficult is such a good reminder that we still have so much to be thankful for.  I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband and my four precious kids that I have the privilege to call my own.  They are such a joy in my life.

- God is still faithful.  Even when things are difficult and even when it breaks our heart, we can rest in knowing that God is still good.  We may never know why some things happen, and that can be very hard, but we do know that God keeps his promises and that in all things (even the awful things) God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)  Thank you Lord for being faithful and good despite our circumstances.  We know that we can trust you.

He makes beauty from ashes.

Trayvon Martin: Is it really black and white?

The death of a young 17-year-old boy is a tragic thing.  I am heartbroken for his family. The thought alone of losing one of my own children brings tears to my eyes.  It is easy to hear about situations like this and think, "Why? Why did this happen?" 

But the more I read about the story of Trayvon Martin's death, the more I feel that something is not quite right in our response.  I'm seeing countless blogs and Facebook statuses all exclaiming outrage over this act and many people expressing fear over their own children's safety. Certainly racism is very much alive in our country still.  Certainly we should mourn the death of a young man. But it's almost as if many of us are getting sucked into the emotional hype of the media's spin on this situation.

We want things to be black and white; for there to be a good guy and a bad guy.  We think that someone should be completely innocent and someone should be evil.  In this light, it is only natural to publicly crucify Zimmerman for his actions, to call it murder and racism, and to demand that he be arrested, even though none of us know all of the facts.  Some have said, "If it had been a black man that shot a white kid, he would have been arrested immediately." So it is easy to say, "Surely, this was an act of racism... of cold-blooded murder." 

Race may likely play a part in how this was investigated, but none the less we should be careful not to make assumptions and accusations. There is much evidence on both sides. Such as the fact that Zimmerman’s best friend is a black man that is vehemently insisting that it was not a racist act. Like the fact that Zimmerman and his wife had mentored minority children for years. Like the fact that an eye-witness says that Trayvon was on top of Zimmerman, beating his face in and trying to grab his gun when Zimmerman shot it. I’d like to think that perhaps, just maybe, the police didn’t immediately arrest Zimmerman because of what the eye-witnesses had to say rather than out of pure racism. It is a possibility at least.

  I wouldn’t want one of my adopted Ethiopian sons to be racially profiled or hurt based on the color of their skin, but I also wouldn’t want one of my white family members (and yes, I know Zimmerman was Hispanic, not white) to be crucified publicly on rumors if they may have in fact, only fired the gun out of fear and self-defense, regardless of how they got into the situation. Both is wrong. Should he have followed Trayvon? Should he have been carrying a gun? Did Trayvon come up behind him as he was walking back to his car and start beating him as Zimmerman claimed? We don't have all the facts, but I am praying for both families, and for true justice to be served.  

We should be very careful how we react to this situation, especially those of us who are Christians.  We should guard ourselves from being emotionally hyped up on rumors.  We should be patient as more evidence comes out, and we should pray that God would bring the truth to light. I do not think it is helpful, though, to add to the frenzy by saying things like, "I have a black son! It could have been him!" or "Why is that man not in jail yet??"  I do believe our justice system states that we are innocent until proven guilty. We ask questions like, "Would a black man have gone straight to jail?" judging (rightly) that it would be unjust for that to happen.  But then this man is not in jail, as the police continue to uncover more evidence and consider the eye witness reports, and we say the opposite... that he should be in jail already. We should not let our knee-jerk reaction of anger and confusion lead us in how we respond. 

 I recently heard a non-Christian compare the Christian community's response to this situation to that of the mob that wanted to stone Mary Magdalene for her adultery.  Another person compared it Jesus' crucifixion saying, "It was the mob mentality that led to one man being hung on the cross without a trial."  This should not be.  In our zeal to comfort a family that is mourning, we should not cross the line and condemn a man as guilty for things like racism and cold-blood murder.  We were not there.  We did not see.  But God knows the truth.  We should take this time to pray, to grieve, to learn, to examine ourselves.  But not to judge.  We were not there.

Day 11: Going raw (cont)

We're into day 11 of our 4-week raw experiment, and I'm really happy so far.  Yes, I definitely feel better having cut out the processed stuff and sugar, but what I'm enjoying the most is the simplicity of eating lately.

For the most part, I do not absolutely love baking and cooking and spending hours in the kitchen.  I do enjoy high-quality, rich-tasting food, but I find that there are many other things that I would rather spend my time doing than being in the kitchen all afternoon.  Therefore, I usually look for ways to make healthy, yummy meals in about 30 minutes or less.  Normally this looks like pan-searing some fish or baking chicken and sauteing some veggies on the side. During this time, we're still making the fish or chicken but adding a salad with like dried cranberries and sliced almonds or diced fruits and veggies.  Easy.  And that's what I like... easy, healthy meals that I don't have to think too much about.

I'll admit that we deviated from the plan and went out for pizza with our kids and some friends a few nights ago, and I don't feel guilty at all. :)  Honestly, this experiment is for Stephen and I to test, for ourselves, the benefits of eating more natural foods and less processed, junky stuff and we're truly enjoying it.  However, we still value good family time and good friends and are not going to pass up opportunities to enjoy them over a meal just so we can stick to "the plan". haha

By the way, I'd like to add that my kids, though they are not fully in this thing with us, have been absolute troopers!  They have been drinking green smoothies and snacking on fruits and veggies almost exclusively.  Although at dinner the other night, Kinsey noticed that the lettuce in the salad was baby spinach (which admittedly we've had quite a bit of) and her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Mom, after you're done with this new lifestyle thing can you please buy some romaine lettuce again??"  Haha Stephen and I tried not to laugh at that statement, but it was so sweet and a bit amazing that she was only asking for romaine lettuce!  I made sure to pick some up while at the store last night.  :)

Day 5: Going Raw

So today marks day five of our raw(ish) diet, and we've survived so far! :)

This has already been quite the experience for me, particularly.  I've been surprised at how in some ways it feels easier than I expected, and yet how in others it is requiring a lot more of me than I thought it would.

The best thing that I am noticing is that my energy level throughout the day is really steady.  I normally get tired and sometimes even weak in the afternoons but for the last few days I have not only not felt a dip in energy, I actually have more.  I spent most of yesterday afternoon organizing my closet and the kids' rooms.  That, my friends, is proof that we're on to something!  ;)

I will say that I don't think my body is really use to the changes yet and I find myself wanting to eat all day long, which was not the case before.  But it feels really good to snack on fresh fruit or some snacks from my new favorite brand, Go Raw.  They have some great things to munch on that are full of super healthy, raw ingredients.  I've been surprised that I have actually found a few items that I truly enjoy because I honestly did not think that would be the case.  I have also found a few that taste like they were dipped in the toilet before they were dehydrated... seriously.  So it really is trial and error.  But to find something that is so surprisingly pleasant can be very exciting, and may even cause you to exclaim, "These are awesome!!!" when you taste them in the store. haha

I definitely still have cravings from time to time, particularly for chocolate ice-cream and occasionally pasta.  (We're only on day 5, though)  I'm hoping that those will get better over time as I retrain my body to crave the natural foods that are good for me instead.  And it is good to see that I can retrain my taste buds as well!

 My focus during this time is on finding healthier alternatives to the normal go-to foods that fill the grocery stores and restaurants.  I've already learned so much just by more closely examining what is in so many of these products and realizing that there is way too much sugar, preservatives, and nasty chemicals that I can't even pronounce in many of the things that I thought were harmless.  We're talking stuff like bread, yogurt, cereal.... basics that have become far from basic when we take a closer look.

On the other hand, I do not want to become a person that obsesses over every tiny little thing.  We should be responsible for our own health without letting fear dictate our decisions.  But for me, that doesn't mean being ignorant either.  The food that our grandparents ate is far from much of the "food" that we eat today, and as a result we are seeing ever increasing numbers of deadly diseases.  When some of the leading causes of death in our generation were so rare just a couple of generations ago, it would be wise for us to take a step back and examine what we are doing.  I didn't realize that so many health issues are directly related to our diet, but it makes sense.  We build our immune system through eating healthy foods and through a healthy lifestyle.  That thought has kept me very encouraged so far to keep going, even when cravings have come up!

I hope to check in sometime next week with more updates.  This is really exciting for us!

The Raw Diet: An experiment

So today marks the first day of a month-long experiment for Stephen and I.  For the next four weeks we will be following a slightly modified version of the Raw Food diet.

What exactly is this?  The Raw Food diet, or as many would say, the Raw Food lifestyle, is one where not only does a person eliminate processed foods from their diet, they also eliminate most cooked foods from their diet and focus mainly on fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds.  Cooking a vegetable breaks it down  and less of the nutrients can be absorbed by your body.  However, drying things like fruits does not break it down.  This diet is also for the purpose of eliminating toxins from your body, which are so prevalent in processed foods in the form of preservatives, hormones, pesticides, and even just large amounts of sugar.

Stephen and I are doing a modified version of this.  We are keeping eggs and fish (and occasionally organic chicken) but much of our diet will be things like fresh veggies, fruits, berries, green smoothies, nuts and seeds.  We are also keeping in organic milk, raw organic peanut butter, plain greek yogurt (without sugary additives) and raw honey.

A typical day for us might look something like this:

Breakfast: Eggs with sliced avocado, berries, fresh juice

Lunch:  Apples and peanut butter, green smoothie (Berries, banana, fresh spinach, Perfect Food powder (Super Green formula), greek yogurt, and a little milk)

Snack: Almonds, kiwi/ pomegranate seeds (yum!)

Dinner: Grilled Tilapia (cooked with olive oil, salt and fresh garlic), baby spinach salad with dried cranberries, sliced almonds, and (homemade) balsamic vinaigrette.  


Things we will be giving up for the next month include:

-Coffee (ouch!)
-ice-cream (double ouch for me!)
-pasta
-bread
-processed meats and chicken
-cheese (we normally eat a ton of this)
-regular processed yogurt
-juice (except that which we juice ourselves with fresh fruit)
-condiments like ketchup, mayo etc


What we have been hearing from others on the Raw Food diet is that they have noticed a drastic difference in their health.  Their energy has skyrocketed, they have more mental clarity and focus, their complexion improved, they have lost extra weight that they carried.  Some health issues have gone away and even some diseases have been reversed.

It makes sense to me.  If we are eating fresh healthy foods and avoiding foods that are not good for our bodies we should naturally have much better health, right?  Needless to say, I have high hopes for this little experiment.  I plan to blog a couple of times a week during this process to share what, if any, changes Stephen and I are noticing.  Here we go! :)

Guarding our hearts

Over the past several weeks now I've been contemplating and meditating on Proverbs 4:23. 

   

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think each and every one of us knows from some sort of experience the truth of this verse.  It seems like it is so easy for your heart to be affected by the struggles and hurts that we all go through.  This season has been one of overwhelming joy and still quite a bit of hardship for our family.  We have so much to be thankful for and yet we are still hurting as we continue to make our way through different situations.  I think sometimes the natural reaction to being hurt is to become defensive, and yet I know that is not a healthy solution, particularly if you value having real and authentic friendships and community with other people.  If we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, will we really ever experience the kind of community that the Bible teaches us about? 

One of the things I am learning lately is that when you don't guard your heart it is easy to become cynical because there are always going to be people out there that will hurt you and situations that leave you with the short end of the stick. I think this is why the bible tells us to not let our love grow cold, because in this imperfect world it can easily happen and we must guard our hearts from becoming cynical and defensive. I truly believe that cynicism causes divisiveness and ultimately stifles our joy. But when we are meditating on the goodness of God, on his faithfulness and love and grace, we cannot help but be thankful for all that we have which will produce in us true and lasting joy. When I am dwelling on a frustrating situation or how I was mistreated by someone, I literally can feel the cynicism and bitterness creeping inside of me. I start to forget how good God has been to me and how much I am blessed. But when I choose to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for I am often times overcome with joy and thankfulness even though my circumstances have not changed. Funny how that works. I suppose that's why the bible instructs us to do this. :)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.- Phil 4:8

This is why I think it is so important to speak encouragement to others. When we complain or grumble we breed divisiveness and anger but when we encourage and build others up through sincere love it will produce joy and unity among us. I'm not talking about that fake "Oh, it's so good to see you!" stuff when really you know that you have a grudge against that person. (And they probably know it too.) I'm talking about walking in love, asking God to humble us and change our hearts, so that we see others the way that God sees them. We should fight for this, for unity, joy and sincere love, because we know that this is what Christ wants. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and patience to lovingly and gently teach us a better way! 

One day at a time...

It seems like our family is ever changing as we continue to bond and adapt to this new life of ours.  I can honestly say that going from two kids to four overnight is not necessarily an easy thing. Go figure! :)  I'm the kind of mom that is very "go with the flow" and tends to be more laid back when it comes to structure and routine.  And while I think I will naturally always be this way to some extent, I am definitely seeing myself change some simply out of necessity.  I mean, I like having my kids play carefree around the house or in the backyard, getting dirty or into mischief usually.  In the past I haven't been quite as strict on bedtimes.  I might have let the laundry go for a few days or *gasp* even closer to a week. (My mom will be mortified to read this) ;)  

But I'm finding that it is necessary with two more children in our home, particularly two that need a little more attention than the average 3 and 5 year olds, to bring a little more structure to our home to keep things moving smoothly.  I've also seen this to be necessary for me, as a person, and for Stephen and I.  For instance, I highly value bedtimes always being between 7 and 7:30 now, not only because I've seen a general improvement in my kids behavior, but because after spending the whole day pouring myself into my four kids, Stephen and I truly need that time after the kids go to bed to connect and unwind.  I pay very close attention to my family's nutrition (which I always have, but even more strictly now) because I know that our boys missed out on healthy eating their first few years.  Since good nutrition, such as eating veggies and fruits and lean protein, is such a huge part of the overall health of a person, this is something that I feel I must work hard to maintain.  And I usually can't just plan to leave the house at the drop of a hat because I know the boys do best if I prepare them and explain things to them in advance.  It's not that they aren't happy when I tell them we need to go somewhere, but they get so excited they literally can't stop asking questions to try to figure out what's going on. "Mom, what doing? What this? Wow! Where going? Ah? Go car? Go store? Ah? What doing??" haha 

With all of the continual changes happening in our family, there is one in particular that I am really enjoying and that is the fact that the boys now speak English well enough to share some of their memories from Ethiopia.  Until more recently, I was unsure of whether or not it would bother them if we talked about Ethiopia so I kind of slowly tested the waters to see if this was something they wanted to talk about or not.  To my surprise, they were very excited to talk about Ethiopia and what they remembered.  The other day, I had pulled out the boys' suitcases to pack for our trip for Thanksgiving (which we are currently in the car driving to).   The boys saw the suitcases and said, "Ohhhh!!! Dis red one. Dis blue one.  Dis in Ethiopia."  So we sat on the floor next to the suitcases talking about some of our experiences in Ethiopia.  I asked the boys, "Do you remember when Daddy brought ice-cream to the hotel in Ethiopia?" The boys' eyes lit up and they talked about what color ice-cream they had eaten and how they got so messy.  I said, "And what did we do after ice-cream?"  Both boys jumped up and said, "Bath! Big BIG bubbles!!" haha

 I just love that we have gotten to the point that we are able to look back together at some of the memories we have already made over the past five months.  And I also really love that the boys are old enough to remember Ethiopia and some of the special people that were in their lives like their nanny, Werkenesh, and our agency's driver, Yitbarek, who was like an uncle to them.  We have talked about them fondly a few times, and the boys seem to be ok with the fact that we don't see them anymore, though this is still a sad reality.  I know, even as orphans in Ethiopia, they still had to give up a lot to be here with us.  Once Jude told me very matter-of-factly, "Mom? Yitbarek... Ethiopia.  Me... here.  Me... America." I kind of froze when he said that and tried to study his face to see how he was feeling about the statement he had just made.  We looked at each other for a moment but then he smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I picked him up and hugged him tightly.  I'm so glad that we are able to share and talk like this, even through their broken, yet oh so adorable English.   

The other day after eating lunch, Liam told me, "Mommy? Liam hurting tummy." We rocked together in the rocking chair in his room, and when Jude came in he said, "What doing?" to which Liam exclaimed, "Jude! Liam tummy boo-boo." This apparently brought back a memory for Jude, and he started telling me about how when he was in Addis Ababa, (or as he says Addis Aba) he had a bad tummy ache and started throwing up, (the hand motion he used for this was pretty cute.) and his nanny had to give him a bath.  I gave him a hug and said, "Oh Jude, I'm so sorry you had a boo-boo in Ethiopia.  Did Werkenesh help you to feel better?" And he said, "Yeah. All better. No boo-boo America. Me good." I love when he shares things like this with me, and I get a little bit of a closer glimpse into what his life was like before we came for him.  

Adopting our boys has been such a huge blessing to us.  So many people have said to us, "Wow, that must be pretty hard, huh?" And our response is always, "You're right.  It is very hard.  But it is so worth it.  There is so much joy to be had in this process.  We've experienced God's love and faithfulness in a deeper way that we wouldn't have otherwise known."  I know that each adoptive family has their own unique joys and struggles, and I truly am not trying to minimize the challenges of adoption.  They are very real.  But I've found that there is such a deep joy in the midst of these challenges if we are seeking God's heart in the midst of our circumstances.  He is so good and so faithful, even in the challenging times! Every time I look into my two precious little boys faces I am reminded of God's deep love for his people.  Every time I hear them giggle I am reminded of his faithfulness to heal our brokenness. There will be brokenness for each of us, but he is good and kind and gentle and faithful to take care of us and to restore us in his perfect timing.  This is the beauty of Jesus.