A Year of Restoration

The other day I stood in my kitchen literally in tears.  It wasn't because I was upset.  Quite the contrary, I have been utterly in awe of what God has done this year... in my life, in my marriage, in my family.

We recently attended our church's staff Christmas party.  It's always tons of fun and something that we look forward to each year.  However, this year's party also brought with it a deep realization of God's kindness to me.  You see, last year's party happened to fall on the weekend that I would have been due to have our baby that we lost.  We went to the party, but I have to say that I was miserable the whole time.  We didn't stay long because I was on the verge of tears the whole night.  It had been months since I had miscarried our baby but I was still in so much pain.  I would go on to find out I was pregnant a couple weeks later while in the hospital for some strange stomach/throat pain (Again we were overjoyed!) but I miscarried again a couple days later while celebrating Christmas with my family in Austin.

All that to say, between the brokenness from miscarriages and health issues and other pain from strained relationships, we ended last year thanking the Lord for his goodness despite our circumstances but begging him to bring healing and restoration in our lives in the coming year.

And wow! This year we've seen the Lord...

-Direct us to a holistic doctor that pinpointed the cause of several of my long-term health issues that baffled all other doctors and hospitals.

- Restore a friendship that is very dear to us

- Bring closure and healing with our church from past things

- Bless us with our precious little boy, Ethan Brenton Miller


I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for all that God has done this year.  He knew our pain and saw our brokenness and brought us the healing that we so needed.  I am in awe of his goodness to me!

I do want to say that Stephen and I very much wanted to have another child, but even if the Lord had not seen fit to give us another baby biologically, his faithfulness would not have been any less.  We've experienced the joys of both having a baby biologically and the joys of having children through adoption and though the methods look different on the outside, the blessing is the same.  In fact, we hope to one day adopt again when the time is right. Surely there is room in our big crazy family for one more, right? :)

If there is anything that I can share from all of this, it is that God is SO good! Whether in those seasons of difficulty or in the times of restoration, HE IS GOOD!

My Bigdaddy

We called him Bigdaddy.  Standing tall at 6 ft 6 in, it wasn't surprising to know that he had been in the military or that he had been the Athletic Director for Houston Baptist University.  Despite his size, he was one of the most approachable gentle kind of men there was, especially to his little granddaughters.

I remember being very young and making popsicles with him out of pineapple orange juice.  I remember him pushing me on the tire swing while singing his own made-up songs with silly lyrics that would make me and my sisters laugh.  When we were little and seated on his knee (and more recently for our own kiddos, his great-grandkids) he loved to make this goofy duck quacking noise meant to make us giggle that was half hilarious, half frightening.  My sisters and I still laugh about the duck noises. :)

Bigdaddy also loved to play golf.  When we would visit, he would take me and my sisters for a ride, two at a time, in his golf cart.  We loved it so much! Sometimes he would take us through the neighborhood to the nearby Dairy Queen, where he would let us pick out a frozen treat if we "promised not to tell mother or grandmother." Then we would drive through the golf course, up and down the hills, and he would let us hold on to the steering wheel and help to drive.   We would always stop the cart at several locations and get out and look for lost golf balls to collect.  I always smile when I think about one afternoon, when we weren't having much luck finding any golf balls.  My youngest sister and I felt bad for our Bigdaddy, so when he wasn't looking we tossed a few of the ones in the cart out into the grass.  Then we said, "Look Bigdaddy! I think I see a golf ball right over there!" Looking back, I'm not sure if he knew what we had done, but if he did he played along so well. "Well, look at that!" he said with a smile.  "Here, you girls can hold these since you spotted them!"

Bigdaddy was the kind of man that many people were touched by.  He wasn't just an amazing father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  As I hear stories of so many people talking about how he touched their lives, I know that he was a spiritual father for many as well.  Shortly after Stephen and I first started dating, I introduced Stephen to my grandparents.  At the end of that very first visit, I remember Bigdaddy telling Stephen, "Now Stephen, regardless of whether or not things work out between you and our granddaughter, we want you to know that you are like a grandson to us now.  If you ever need anything at all, you let me know."  And just like that, Bigdaddy took my future husband under his wing and promised to be there for him.

 He was more than just a granddad to Stephen and I.  He was a mentor to us.  When I wrecked Stephen's car while we were still dating, my grandparents got him a replacement.  When we had our first baby and needed a more reliable vehicle, they loaned us the money interest-free to buy a better one.  They showed us how to pay it down quickly, and when we had done so quite a bit, they went ahead and forgave the rest of the loan.  I remember him always telling us, "Now one of the first things that most young people do when they get married is go into debt.  But the last thing you want to do is go into debt. It's a cycle that you'll be stuck in for years. Instead, save up and pay cash." He taught us not just about finances but about marriage, loving your spouse well, and living a life of faith and of generosity.  He did so with not only his words but even more so by how he lived life.  He was kind, gentle, and extremely generous.  He loved the Lord so deeply, and it showed throughout his life.  

Yesterday morning my Bigdaddy passed away.  In some ways I can hardly believe it.  Is he really gone? This man that has made such a mark on my life and my family. Almost a year ago, we sat in his living room and I watched as he played with my own children the same way that he played with me as a little girl.  How I wish I could talk with him one more time to tell him how much of an impact he made on me, on Stephen, on our children, on so many others.  How I wish I could hug him one more time and tell him how much I love him. This man... what a life well lived.  I will never be able to count all of the ways that he has blessed his family, his friends, and so many others.  One day, though... one sweet day we will see him again.  I can only imagine the sheer joy that he is experiencing right now.  He gets to see Jesus, and no doubt hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

We love you, Bigdaddy and already miss you more than words can say.
     

Good-bye to a Year From Hell

Another year has passed us by! We have made so many special memories that I will always cherish and have so much to be thankful for and yet I have a confession to make.

I am SO glad it is over!  

Not that starting a new year automatically means that the specific difficulties that we've dealt with the past year and pain we've experienced will all of the sudden vanish, but I do feel like in some ways we are getting a fresh start.  

Stephen and I have been married for almost 10 years now, and both of us agree that this has definitely been the hardest year of lives since we've been married... maybe ever.  The other day I told him that I've nicknamed this year "The year from Hell" and we both laughed for a minute before our laughter turned into genuine tears.  So much pain... at times it feels like we're on a roller coaster and don't know how we should feel.  

Do we laugh at how ridiculous some of the things we've gone through have been and the sheer amount of it all? Do we shrug our shoulders and just keep moving? Do we let the tears keep coming even though it seems like there's something else every time we turn around? 

We've been clinging to God all the more this past year and the knowledge that he is faithful and good even in the hard times.  I mean, we, like everyone else, have been through hard times.  We know what it's like to experience financial stress, job changes, health issues and more.  But this... good grief, it takes my breath away.  Never have we experienced such deep pain... and so much of it.  

One of the things that we've recently started doing to help us wade through some of this has been to start seeing a Christian counselor.  I'll admit that I was a bit nervous about going at first.  We've heard great things from so many friends about how helpful counseling can be, and yet I had concerns about opening up to someone about things that have been so hurtful to us.  Could they really understand? 

When we shared what we've been going through the past year or so with our counselor I actually was shocked at his response.  I think I was expecting him to say something about just trusting God more or perhaps even belittle the pain that we were in.  Instead he said, "I'm amazed that you two are sitting here together to seek healing and try to move forward.  Half of what you just told me would be enough stress to wreck a marriage."  I think that was exactly the encouragement that I needed to hear.  Yeah, you have gone through a great deal of difficulty.  And it's ok to be in pain.  It doesn't mean that you don't trust the Lord.  Something that he said that really stuck out to me was this.  

"You have gone through some things that are very painful and they are worth grieving over.  The loss of a baby, the loss of a friendship, the death of a dream...  These are things that are naturally heartbreaking for us and rightly so. There isn't a moment in this world where beauty and brokenness aren't kissing.  It is necessary for us to grieve over these things and appropriate for us to weep and lament over them."

I've done my fair share of weeping this year.  I am ready for a new chapter.  I am ready to see the Lord bring about healing and restoration in our lives.  I know that there is a season for everything, and also that God is near the broken-hearted.  I have felt him very near me this year, even in the pain.  And now I am ready to see him do a new work in our lives... to turn our ashes into beauty.  What a good God I have! I am in awe of his faithfulness and grace in my life!  I am so undeserving and yet he is good and kind and faithful anyway. Thank you, Lord.  

He Is Enough

So I know I haven't written in a while. Boy, there have been quite a few times that I've wanted to, but the chaos of our summer schedule has certainly made it hard.  More than that, though, is just how crazy the past few months have been emotionally.  We've experienced some very high highs and some very hard lows and honestly... I'm tired. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this place before. We're rejoicing over so many blessings, praising God for how good he is.  But we're also hurting from difficult circumstances and unkind people, yet still praising God for how faithful he is.  It is amazing to see how much God can grow us and strengthen us through times like this, and yet in the moment I feel anything but strong. I feel exhausted, hardly able to carry on. My heart is bruised and sore yet joyful and hopeful.  It's so weird how a person can have such conflicting emotions all at the same time!

I know in times like this I really only have one choice if I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually.  Christ has given us his example of how to love, how to forgive daily, how to persevere under hardship, how to walk in humility and therefore guard our hearts against bitterness.

God is so good. I don't mean that lightly. He is good enough to change us and make us more like him, but he is also good enough to be there every step of the way. When it hurts like crazy and everything in you wants to scream "No, no, no!!" he is there gently guiding you and lovingly holding you. When it seems to be too much, His grace is sufficient for another day. If there is one thing that I know, it's that He is enough.

Beauty from Ashes

Aching.  That is the word that describes much what I've felt the past few weeks.  Have you ever gone through something that left you speechless, feeling paralyzed, and full of deep aching?

About a month ago, Stephen and I went through something that was utterly heart-breaking for us.  I think it was one of the first, if not the first time that I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could hardly function at first.  I've found that it helps for me to talk about it so I'd like to share this story with you.

You see, this past March Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby.  We had talked about the possibility of either adopting again or having one more baby first, and although the timing was not planned, our excitement grew each day as we prayed for and dreamed about what this baby was going to be like.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I would hear Stephen talk excitedly about the baby or the proud look on his face when we told our close friends and family the news.  We were thrilled.

We went together to the 8-week appointment to have an ultrasound done. On the way, Stephen and I talked about how we would announce it to our kids and about how we would celebrate as a family that evening.  (I had taken the positive test about 5 weeks earlier but we wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound and knew the due date before announcing it publicly or telling our kids.)  I was so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  We marched into the waiting room, hand in hand, with smiles on our faces. God was giving us another child! Sure, five would be quite a handful, but we'd already settled into having four pretty well.  As my mom told me, "If you can handle four, you can handle five." I just couldn't wait to see him or her on the ultrasound.

Our doctor was wonderful but it didn't take long to see that something wasn't quite right.  It shouldn't take so long to find the heartbeat, right?  She eventually told us that the baby had not made it and that I would probably miscarry in the next day or two.  I tried my hardest not to fall apart in that room.  She printed off a picture of our baby to take home so that we could remember him or her.  I was utterly heartbroken.  What was I suppose to do now?  One moment we were eagerly planning for another little boy or girl and the next they were gone. I went home and wept bitterly.

It's been a little over a month now, and there are a few things that I've learned and am learning from this experience.

- I am not alone.  We had so many wonderful people come forward to encourage us and support us, many sharing stories of their own loss. I didn't realize just how many others have been through something similar, and I am learning so much about how to be a comfort to those that are hurting by the example that many have shown to us.  Thank you for your love, your generosity, and your willingness to comfort us when we were hurting.

- We are so blessed.  I can look around and see so many ways that God has truly blessed us.  Going through something difficult is such a good reminder that we still have so much to be thankful for.  I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband and my four precious kids that I have the privilege to call my own.  They are such a joy in my life.

- God is still faithful.  Even when things are difficult and even when it breaks our heart, we can rest in knowing that God is still good.  We may never know why some things happen, and that can be very hard, but we do know that God keeps his promises and that in all things (even the awful things) God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)  Thank you Lord for being faithful and good despite our circumstances.  We know that we can trust you.

He makes beauty from ashes.

Trayvon Martin: Is it really black and white?

The death of a young 17-year-old boy is a tragic thing.  I am heartbroken for his family. The thought alone of losing one of my own children brings tears to my eyes.  It is easy to hear about situations like this and think, "Why? Why did this happen?" 

But the more I read about the story of Trayvon Martin's death, the more I feel that something is not quite right in our response.  I'm seeing countless blogs and Facebook statuses all exclaiming outrage over this act and many people expressing fear over their own children's safety. Certainly racism is very much alive in our country still.  Certainly we should mourn the death of a young man. But it's almost as if many of us are getting sucked into the emotional hype of the media's spin on this situation.

We want things to be black and white; for there to be a good guy and a bad guy.  We think that someone should be completely innocent and someone should be evil.  In this light, it is only natural to publicly crucify Zimmerman for his actions, to call it murder and racism, and to demand that he be arrested, even though none of us know all of the facts.  Some have said, "If it had been a black man that shot a white kid, he would have been arrested immediately." So it is easy to say, "Surely, this was an act of racism... of cold-blooded murder." 

Race may likely play a part in how this was investigated, but none the less we should be careful not to make assumptions and accusations. There is much evidence on both sides. Such as the fact that Zimmerman’s best friend is a black man that is vehemently insisting that it was not a racist act. Like the fact that Zimmerman and his wife had mentored minority children for years. Like the fact that an eye-witness says that Trayvon was on top of Zimmerman, beating his face in and trying to grab his gun when Zimmerman shot it. I’d like to think that perhaps, just maybe, the police didn’t immediately arrest Zimmerman because of what the eye-witnesses had to say rather than out of pure racism. It is a possibility at least.

  I wouldn’t want one of my adopted Ethiopian sons to be racially profiled or hurt based on the color of their skin, but I also wouldn’t want one of my white family members (and yes, I know Zimmerman was Hispanic, not white) to be crucified publicly on rumors if they may have in fact, only fired the gun out of fear and self-defense, regardless of how they got into the situation. Both is wrong. Should he have followed Trayvon? Should he have been carrying a gun? Did Trayvon come up behind him as he was walking back to his car and start beating him as Zimmerman claimed? We don't have all the facts, but I am praying for both families, and for true justice to be served.  

We should be very careful how we react to this situation, especially those of us who are Christians.  We should guard ourselves from being emotionally hyped up on rumors.  We should be patient as more evidence comes out, and we should pray that God would bring the truth to light. I do not think it is helpful, though, to add to the frenzy by saying things like, "I have a black son! It could have been him!" or "Why is that man not in jail yet??"  I do believe our justice system states that we are innocent until proven guilty. We ask questions like, "Would a black man have gone straight to jail?" judging (rightly) that it would be unjust for that to happen.  But then this man is not in jail, as the police continue to uncover more evidence and consider the eye witness reports, and we say the opposite... that he should be in jail already. We should not let our knee-jerk reaction of anger and confusion lead us in how we respond. 

 I recently heard a non-Christian compare the Christian community's response to this situation to that of the mob that wanted to stone Mary Magdalene for her adultery.  Another person compared it Jesus' crucifixion saying, "It was the mob mentality that led to one man being hung on the cross without a trial."  This should not be.  In our zeal to comfort a family that is mourning, we should not cross the line and condemn a man as guilty for things like racism and cold-blood murder.  We were not there.  We did not see.  But God knows the truth.  We should take this time to pray, to grieve, to learn, to examine ourselves.  But not to judge.  We were not there.

Day 11: Going raw (cont)

We're into day 11 of our 4-week raw experiment, and I'm really happy so far.  Yes, I definitely feel better having cut out the processed stuff and sugar, but what I'm enjoying the most is the simplicity of eating lately.

For the most part, I do not absolutely love baking and cooking and spending hours in the kitchen.  I do enjoy high-quality, rich-tasting food, but I find that there are many other things that I would rather spend my time doing than being in the kitchen all afternoon.  Therefore, I usually look for ways to make healthy, yummy meals in about 30 minutes or less.  Normally this looks like pan-searing some fish or baking chicken and sauteing some veggies on the side. During this time, we're still making the fish or chicken but adding a salad with like dried cranberries and sliced almonds or diced fruits and veggies.  Easy.  And that's what I like... easy, healthy meals that I don't have to think too much about.

I'll admit that we deviated from the plan and went out for pizza with our kids and some friends a few nights ago, and I don't feel guilty at all. :)  Honestly, this experiment is for Stephen and I to test, for ourselves, the benefits of eating more natural foods and less processed, junky stuff and we're truly enjoying it.  However, we still value good family time and good friends and are not going to pass up opportunities to enjoy them over a meal just so we can stick to "the plan". haha

By the way, I'd like to add that my kids, though they are not fully in this thing with us, have been absolute troopers!  They have been drinking green smoothies and snacking on fruits and veggies almost exclusively.  Although at dinner the other night, Kinsey noticed that the lettuce in the salad was baby spinach (which admittedly we've had quite a bit of) and her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Mom, after you're done with this new lifestyle thing can you please buy some romaine lettuce again??"  Haha Stephen and I tried not to laugh at that statement, but it was so sweet and a bit amazing that she was only asking for romaine lettuce!  I made sure to pick some up while at the store last night.  :)