These past few days have been so incredibly amazing, so exhausting, so wonderful…
On our second trip to the care center, it was so encouraging to see Esrael, our two-year-old, spot us when we arrived and run straight to us. As I held him, we peeked into the tiny classroom on the right hand side that had a misspelled sign over it saying, “Pre-shcool”. We listened quietly as the four and five year olds repeated “One, two, three, four…” after their teacher. She saw us standing there, said something to Surafel , and he quickly jumped up and turned around. Then a huge smile came across his face and he ran to Stephen to hug him. Stephen picked him up and put him on his shoulders and they bounced down the hallway to the front steps where we had left a suitcase full of toys and snacks. I took Esrael out too, and we all sat on the steps looking through the suitcase. Both boys enjoyed some juice boxes and oranges, and then we played with the bubbles.
The family that is adopting Surafel’s best friend also sat on the steps, showing their little boy, Nati, what they had brought for him. He also had bubbles, and it was so funny to watch as the boys blew bubbles in each others faces and ears. At one point, one of the bubbles popped in Nati’s eye, and they started roughhousing. We sat and watched as Surafel and Nati would chase each other and hold up their fist or leg as if they were going to hit or kick each other, and then they would drop it back down. At that moment I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, having boys is going to be so different!” haha The other family has several girls already, and Nati will be their first boy so we joked together about how different it is going to be for us to have boys!
Stephen kicked a ball back and forth with Surafel, and ended up tickling him and swung him up onto his shoulders again. Surafel pretended to play drums on Stephen’s head, and then he bend down and kissed Stephen’s cheek several times. I almost cried as I watched Stephen pull Surafel down, swing him in his arms several times and then kiss him back.
Things seemed to be going very smoothly, and about the time I started to wonder when we would see some behavioral issues from all of the trauma that Surafel in particular been through, something happened. Surafel found a hollow black stick, similar to PVC pipe, and after banging on a few outdoor trash cans like he was playing the drums, Stephen snuck it out of his hand. He jumped around trying to catch it while Stephen would swing it around and gently poke his tummy or tap his legs, keeping it just out of his reach. You could tell Surafel was getting frustrated that he couldn’t grab it back, and when he finally did he smacked Stephen’s leg with it as hard as he could. When Stephen gently told him “No” he ran off with it to play with his friend. But it wasn’t more than a few minutes before his friend took something of his and so he picked up the stick again and hit his friend.
At this point, we felt we needed to intervene so Stephen took the stick from him and again said “No, no” gently but firmly. Surafel’s head dropped, and he burst into tears. Stephen picked him up and and held him tightly as some of the nannies came outside to console him, but Surafel wouldn’t let them. He sobbed with his face buried in Stephen’s shoulder, so Stephen sat on the ground with him in his lap, leaning against the outside of the building. He cried hard for a good 30 or 40 minutes straight. Stephen quietly sang in his ear, and repeated, “Surafel, I love you. Ewedhalo .” (which is Amharic for I love you) I sat nearby on the steps with Esrael and tried not to cry at the thought of how difficult Surafel’s life has been so far, and how I probably would throw a fit too if I had experienced as much trauma and loss as he has. Poor baby, he’s been through so much. As hard as it was to witness this, I’m glad that it happened because we are already starting to build trust with him. Stephen was able to show him that even though he was acting up, we are still going to hug and hold him and tell him how much he is loved. I have a feeling that it’s going to take a lot of these kinds of moments with him where we are able to show him that no matter what, we are not leaving and will not stop loving him.
In our training seminar, we were told that you cannot be too patient, too gracious, too lavishing, too loving when it comes to traumatized children. They need countless experiences where they are able to see that they have a mom and dad that love them deeply, that are not going to leave, and that will meet all of their needs and even many of their wants. They gave the analogy of two baskets that have rocks in them, one symbolizing good experiences and one symbolizing bad experiences. With traumatized children, they’ve had so many bad “rocks” and as an adoptive parent, you must consistently reach into their lives and move the bad “rocks” into the good basket. To replace bad experiences with ones of love, joy, security, and stability. It’s a hard job to move all of those rocks from the bad basket over to the good one, and it takes not only consistency but also time. BUT studies show that when children are placed with loving families, they can heal incredibly well over time and grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults. That’s what we want for Surafel and Esrael. Esrael doesn’t seem to have as hard of a time with everything. Though he looks wide-eyed and nervous at times, he’s still such a baby with much fewer memories of his past. I can only hope that he doesn’t remember as much of the pain that they have been through.
We left that day on a very good note, and as Surafel started to look sad that we had to leave, we had his nanny tell him that tomorrow we would take them to our hotel to play for the day. He looked very excited and hugged us tightly. We showed up the next morning, and sure enough the boys were ready to go! Surafel looked toward the van expectantly, and he had the biggest smile on his face as we climbed in. Both of the boys loved the drive. Esrael especially loves cars. The nannies often smile and laugh at him because he is always saying “Makina! Makina!” (Car! Car!) We spent the afternoon in our hotel room, first playing with the cars and planes on the floor while drinking juice boxes. Stephen had lunch delivered from a nearby restaurant and Esrael insisted on sitting in my lap while we ate. He sat facing me while I fed him ravioli and then proceeded to try and feed me french fries. It was so cute how he would put one up to my mouth, I would bite it, and then he would put the other half in his mouth. Surafel sat happily eating his food, and exclaiming something in Amharic from time to time. It’s so hard to not be able to understand the things he’s saying. He’s so expressive, and I love to watch him talking. At one point during the meal Esrael dropped his toy “Makina”. Surafel quickly bent down to get it for him, and as he handed it to his brother he said, “Car.” I looked up and said, “Surafel! You said it in English! You said car! Very good!!” He looked so proud, and had such a big grin on his face. I love his smile!
Towards the end of the afternoon, I noticed that although the boys had had a ton to eat and drink neither of them had used the restroom since we left the care center that morning. I walked with Esrael into the bathroom and asked if he needed to go while pointing to the potty. He slowly shrugged his shoulders and walked out, but within a couple of minutes he came up to me while pulling on the front of his shorts. So I helped him sit up there while he went. It was then that it hit me that my two-year-old is potty trained! This means no diapers for us. Yay! J Esrael loves washing his hands, which is such a good thing in a third-world country. We must have washed our hands 10 or 12 times that afternoon.
I got the cutest video of Esrael sitting on the ground pretending to fly his airplane in the air. He discovered a piece of chocolate on the nearby table and sat down to unwrap it. It was hilarious to watch him slowly but surely get it open and then transfer it from hand to hand as it melted all over the place. He finally just put the whole thing in his mouth, and then looked around for something to wipe his hands with. When he found nothing, he reached forward and wiped his fingers on his toy airport. Daddy then came to the rescue with a wipe for him. I think this is going to be one of our favorite home videos for years to come. J
There was no crying when we took them home late that afternoon, but Esrael clung tightly to me, and a nanny had to try to distract him with a toy car while I slipped out the door. I can’t wait for the day that we don’t have to leave them anymore. We can’t wait to bring them home, and show them that they really are part of our family forever. Tomorrow morning is our court date. If the MOWA letter is there, we will probably be able to bring them home either late May or sometime in June. If it’s not, things will be delayed 3-4 weeks. We have a peace about it and know that God knows when is the best time for them to come home. He certainly sees a bigger picture than us so we trust him that he will be faithful to take care of us and the boys. Still, as parents we want to have our children home as soon as possible. J
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