Love Your Enemy: But When Your Enemy Is ISIS?

Guys, I am so torn on my feelings about ISIS. On one hand, I'm infuriated. How can people be so evil? How can you have such little regard for human life? And then I think about our friend, Ronnie, who had a profound impact on our lives before he was murdered in Libya for being a Christian a little over a year ago. As I was struggling not to hate his killers, I watched his precious wife, Anita, tearfully and sincerely declare on tv interviews that she was praying for his killers and that she forgave them. That she wanted them, yes even them, to encounter God's love. Incredible.

And I read in my Bible about Paul, who was arguably the most influential Christian ever to live, who wrote a large portion of the New Testament. And how did he get his start? He was killing Christians! He threw entire families into prison and oversaw the slaughter of many many people based solely on the fact that they believed in Jesus. That's WHO HE WAS until Jesus intervened in his life and forever changed him to not only believe, but to go on to proclaim God's love to the entire world. Paul was basically ISIS! And God's grace was big enough to reach him. How scandalous!

It is in this perspective that the Bible says to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Jesus wasn't just talking about obnoxious coworkers or rude neighbors (like our previous neighbor that hated our kids. She was pretty nasty.) It's talking about those that will persecute you, even kill you, for your faith. So when I hear reports of Christians in these countries praying for the members of ISIS to encounter Jesus and be forever changed, I am incredibly humbled. 

I have never personally known persecution in the way that many of these Christians are experiencing. I marvel at their faith and love and ability to endure such things. It causes me to ask God to open my eyes to the world outside of my community, where things are very very different and yet God is doing amazing things in these communities and through these believers. I will join them as they pray for God's love to move forward, even to penetrating the hearts of these killers.

I am not saying we don't fight for what is right or that we don't try to stop evil that is happening. Yes, of course we do! This is what I naturally gravitate toward. DOING something. And we should. But maybe that's why I am so profoundly impacted by the reports from these persecuted Christians calling for us to pray for ISIS. That's not the first thing I think of "doing". But, if you are a Christian, we start first with prayer because we know that God's love is powerful enough to change cold hearts. That he would even save Paul after he killed so many, that he would even save ME when I was far from deserving it. This is the gospel. That God would reach down to love us and save us when we were dead in our sins. And so I will join with our fellow Christian's as they pray for God's love to do something amazing here...

WE ARE MOVING!!!

So many emotions lately as we begin to transition into a new phase of life! We are moving to Austin, TX in a few weeks (which was home to us before moving to STL) and it is so bittersweet. 

We moved to St Louis four and a half years ago for Stephen to serve as a worship pastor at a church called The Journey.  Our time here has certainly been a journey...we've had some of the best and hardest years of our life so far while in St Louis. In many ways I feel like we grew up while we were here.  We've made so many wonderful friends that we love deeply. We adopted two little boys. We had a baby. We were blessed to be a part of 3 different campuses across St Louis over the years here and are thankful for our time at each one. 

We also had several miscarriages and a couple of other traumatic events. While here I experienced the deepest pain I've ever gone through. I struggled and mourned and took over a year to work through some deep grief. Then I saw God restore so much in my life and bring healing to my heart. I experienced his faithfulness in ways I never had before.  I am in awe of his goodness to me. I still cry when I think about how faithful he has been. I do not deserve it. How beautiful this time has been for me. I am so thankful for it all. 

God recently brought along a new opportunity for our family that we are very excited about. Stephen has accepted a position at a wonderful church in Austin called Real Life. It's been amazing to see how God has orchestrated it all together and we have already been so blessed by how kind and gracious the people there have been to our family and band. We are confident that this will be a great fit for Stephen, the band and our family long-term and we are so excited to partner with them in sharing the gospel in Austin. We are also looking forward to being close to family again. Having five kiddos (and wanting to possibly adopt again at some point) is wonderful and challenging at the same time, and it will be such a blessing to have family near by. Not to mention, we just love our families. They are awesome! :) 

Anyway, this is obviously a huge change for our us. We are listing our home this week and moving in August. If you think of us, please say a little prayer for our family as we transition to a different home, city, school and church. 

And if you are one of our friends in STL, we want to hang out with you before we move!! If you are a friend in Austin, we want to hang out with you after we move!! :)

A Year of Restoration

The other day I stood in my kitchen literally in tears.  It wasn't because I was upset.  Quite the contrary, I have been utterly in awe of what God has done this year... in my life, in my marriage, in my family.

We recently attended our church's staff Christmas party.  It's always tons of fun and something that we look forward to each year.  However, this year's party also brought with it a deep realization of God's kindness to me.  You see, last year's party happened to fall on the weekend that I would have been due to have our baby that we lost.  We went to the party, but I have to say that I was miserable the whole time.  We didn't stay long because I was on the verge of tears the whole night.  It had been months since I had miscarried our baby but I was still in so much pain.  I would go on to find out I was pregnant a couple weeks later while in the hospital for some strange stomach/throat pain (Again we were overjoyed!) but I miscarried again a couple days later while celebrating Christmas with my family in Austin.

All that to say, between the brokenness from miscarriages and health issues and other pain from strained relationships, we ended last year thanking the Lord for his goodness despite our circumstances but begging him to bring healing and restoration in our lives in the coming year.

And wow! This year we've seen the Lord...

-Direct us to a holistic doctor that pinpointed the cause of several of my long-term health issues that baffled all other doctors and hospitals.

- Restore a friendship that is very dear to us

- Bring closure and healing with our church from past things

- Bless us with our precious little boy, Ethan Brenton Miller


I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for all that God has done this year.  He knew our pain and saw our brokenness and brought us the healing that we so needed.  I am in awe of his goodness to me!

I do want to say that Stephen and I very much wanted to have another child, but even if the Lord had not seen fit to give us another baby biologically, his faithfulness would not have been any less.  We've experienced the joys of both having a baby biologically and the joys of having children through adoption and though the methods look different on the outside, the blessing is the same.  In fact, we hope to one day adopt again when the time is right. Surely there is room in our big crazy family for one more, right? :)

If there is anything that I can share from all of this, it is that God is SO good! Whether in those seasons of difficulty or in the times of restoration, HE IS GOOD!

My Bigdaddy

We called him Bigdaddy.  Standing tall at 6 ft 6 in, it wasn't surprising to know that he had been in the military or that he had been the Athletic Director for Houston Baptist University.  Despite his size, he was one of the most approachable gentle kind of men there was, especially to his little granddaughters.

I remember being very young and making popsicles with him out of pineapple orange juice.  I remember him pushing me on the tire swing while singing his own made-up songs with silly lyrics that would make me and my sisters laugh.  When we were little and seated on his knee (and more recently for our own kiddos, his great-grandkids) he loved to make this goofy duck quacking noise meant to make us giggle that was half hilarious, half frightening.  My sisters and I still laugh about the duck noises. :)

Bigdaddy also loved to play golf.  When we would visit, he would take me and my sisters for a ride, two at a time, in his golf cart.  We loved it so much! Sometimes he would take us through the neighborhood to the nearby Dairy Queen, where he would let us pick out a frozen treat if we "promised not to tell mother or grandmother." Then we would drive through the golf course, up and down the hills, and he would let us hold on to the steering wheel and help to drive.   We would always stop the cart at several locations and get out and look for lost golf balls to collect.  I always smile when I think about one afternoon, when we weren't having much luck finding any golf balls.  My youngest sister and I felt bad for our Bigdaddy, so when he wasn't looking we tossed a few of the ones in the cart out into the grass.  Then we said, "Look Bigdaddy! I think I see a golf ball right over there!" Looking back, I'm not sure if he knew what we had done, but if he did he played along so well. "Well, look at that!" he said with a smile.  "Here, you girls can hold these since you spotted them!"

Bigdaddy was the kind of man that many people were touched by.  He wasn't just an amazing father, grandfather, and great-grandfather.  As I hear stories of so many people talking about how he touched their lives, I know that he was a spiritual father for many as well.  Shortly after Stephen and I first started dating, I introduced Stephen to my grandparents.  At the end of that very first visit, I remember Bigdaddy telling Stephen, "Now Stephen, regardless of whether or not things work out between you and our granddaughter, we want you to know that you are like a grandson to us now.  If you ever need anything at all, you let me know."  And just like that, Bigdaddy took my future husband under his wing and promised to be there for him.

 He was more than just a granddad to Stephen and I.  He was a mentor to us.  When I wrecked Stephen's car while we were still dating, my grandparents got him a replacement.  When we had our first baby and needed a more reliable vehicle, they loaned us the money interest-free to buy a better one.  They showed us how to pay it down quickly, and when we had done so quite a bit, they went ahead and forgave the rest of the loan.  I remember him always telling us, "Now one of the first things that most young people do when they get married is go into debt.  But the last thing you want to do is go into debt. It's a cycle that you'll be stuck in for years. Instead, save up and pay cash." He taught us not just about finances but about marriage, loving your spouse well, and living a life of faith and of generosity.  He did so with not only his words but even more so by how he lived life.  He was kind, gentle, and extremely generous.  He loved the Lord so deeply, and it showed throughout his life.  

Yesterday morning my Bigdaddy passed away.  In some ways I can hardly believe it.  Is he really gone? This man that has made such a mark on my life and my family. Almost a year ago, we sat in his living room and I watched as he played with my own children the same way that he played with me as a little girl.  How I wish I could talk with him one more time to tell him how much of an impact he made on me, on Stephen, on our children, on so many others.  How I wish I could hug him one more time and tell him how much I love him. This man... what a life well lived.  I will never be able to count all of the ways that he has blessed his family, his friends, and so many others.  One day, though... one sweet day we will see him again.  I can only imagine the sheer joy that he is experiencing right now.  He gets to see Jesus, and no doubt hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

We love you, Bigdaddy and already miss you more than words can say.
     

Good-bye to a Year From Hell

Another year has passed us by! We have made so many special memories that I will always cherish and have so much to be thankful for and yet I have a confession to make.

I am SO glad it is over!  

Not that starting a new year automatically means that the specific difficulties that we've dealt with the past year and pain we've experienced will all of the sudden vanish, but I do feel like in some ways we are getting a fresh start.  

Stephen and I have been married for almost 10 years now, and both of us agree that this has definitely been the hardest year of lives since we've been married... maybe ever.  The other day I told him that I've nicknamed this year "The year from Hell" and we both laughed for a minute before our laughter turned into genuine tears.  So much pain... at times it feels like we're on a roller coaster and don't know how we should feel.  

Do we laugh at how ridiculous some of the things we've gone through have been and the sheer amount of it all? Do we shrug our shoulders and just keep moving? Do we let the tears keep coming even though it seems like there's something else every time we turn around? 

We've been clinging to God all the more this past year and the knowledge that he is faithful and good even in the hard times.  I mean, we, like everyone else, have been through hard times.  We know what it's like to experience financial stress, job changes, health issues and more.  But this... good grief, it takes my breath away.  Never have we experienced such deep pain... and so much of it.  

One of the things that we've recently started doing to help us wade through some of this has been to start seeing a Christian counselor.  I'll admit that I was a bit nervous about going at first.  We've heard great things from so many friends about how helpful counseling can be, and yet I had concerns about opening up to someone about things that have been so hurtful to us.  Could they really understand? 

When we shared what we've been going through the past year or so with our counselor I actually was shocked at his response.  I think I was expecting him to say something about just trusting God more or perhaps even belittle the pain that we were in.  Instead he said, "I'm amazed that you two are sitting here together to seek healing and try to move forward.  Half of what you just told me would be enough stress to wreck a marriage."  I think that was exactly the encouragement that I needed to hear.  Yeah, you have gone through a great deal of difficulty.  And it's ok to be in pain.  It doesn't mean that you don't trust the Lord.  Something that he said that really stuck out to me was this.  

"You have gone through some things that are very painful and they are worth grieving over.  The loss of a baby, the loss of a friendship, the death of a dream...  These are things that are naturally heartbreaking for us and rightly so. There isn't a moment in this world where beauty and brokenness aren't kissing.  It is necessary for us to grieve over these things and appropriate for us to weep and lament over them."

I've done my fair share of weeping this year.  I am ready for a new chapter.  I am ready to see the Lord bring about healing and restoration in our lives.  I know that there is a season for everything, and also that God is near the broken-hearted.  I have felt him very near me this year, even in the pain.  And now I am ready to see him do a new work in our lives... to turn our ashes into beauty.  What a good God I have! I am in awe of his faithfulness and grace in my life!  I am so undeserving and yet he is good and kind and faithful anyway. Thank you, Lord.  

He Is Enough

So I know I haven't written in a while. Boy, there have been quite a few times that I've wanted to, but the chaos of our summer schedule has certainly made it hard.  More than that, though, is just how crazy the past few months have been emotionally.  We've experienced some very high highs and some very hard lows and honestly... I'm tired. 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this place before. We're rejoicing over so many blessings, praising God for how good he is.  But we're also hurting from difficult circumstances and unkind people, yet still praising God for how faithful he is.  It is amazing to see how much God can grow us and strengthen us through times like this, and yet in the moment I feel anything but strong. I feel exhausted, hardly able to carry on. My heart is bruised and sore yet joyful and hopeful.  It's so weird how a person can have such conflicting emotions all at the same time!

I know in times like this I really only have one choice if I want to be healthy emotionally and spiritually.  Christ has given us his example of how to love, how to forgive daily, how to persevere under hardship, how to walk in humility and therefore guard our hearts against bitterness.

God is so good. I don't mean that lightly. He is good enough to change us and make us more like him, but he is also good enough to be there every step of the way. When it hurts like crazy and everything in you wants to scream "No, no, no!!" he is there gently guiding you and lovingly holding you. When it seems to be too much, His grace is sufficient for another day. If there is one thing that I know, it's that He is enough.

Beauty from Ashes

Aching.  That is the word that describes much what I've felt the past few weeks.  Have you ever gone through something that left you speechless, feeling paralyzed, and full of deep aching?

About a month ago, Stephen and I went through something that was utterly heart-breaking for us.  I think it was one of the first, if not the first time that I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could hardly function at first.  I've found that it helps for me to talk about it so I'd like to share this story with you.

You see, this past March Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby.  We had talked about the possibility of either adopting again or having one more baby first, and although the timing was not planned, our excitement grew each day as we prayed for and dreamed about what this baby was going to be like.  I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I would hear Stephen talk excitedly about the baby or the proud look on his face when we told our close friends and family the news.  We were thrilled.

We went together to the 8-week appointment to have an ultrasound done. On the way, Stephen and I talked about how we would announce it to our kids and about how we would celebrate as a family that evening.  (I had taken the positive test about 5 weeks earlier but we wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound and knew the due date before announcing it publicly or telling our kids.)  I was so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  We marched into the waiting room, hand in hand, with smiles on our faces. God was giving us another child! Sure, five would be quite a handful, but we'd already settled into having four pretty well.  As my mom told me, "If you can handle four, you can handle five." I just couldn't wait to see him or her on the ultrasound.

Our doctor was wonderful but it didn't take long to see that something wasn't quite right.  It shouldn't take so long to find the heartbeat, right?  She eventually told us that the baby had not made it and that I would probably miscarry in the next day or two.  I tried my hardest not to fall apart in that room.  She printed off a picture of our baby to take home so that we could remember him or her.  I was utterly heartbroken.  What was I suppose to do now?  One moment we were eagerly planning for another little boy or girl and the next they were gone. I went home and wept bitterly.

It's been a little over a month now, and there are a few things that I've learned and am learning from this experience.

- I am not alone.  We had so many wonderful people come forward to encourage us and support us, many sharing stories of their own loss. I didn't realize just how many others have been through something similar, and I am learning so much about how to be a comfort to those that are hurting by the example that many have shown to us.  Thank you for your love, your generosity, and your willingness to comfort us when we were hurting.

- We are so blessed.  I can look around and see so many ways that God has truly blessed us.  Going through something difficult is such a good reminder that we still have so much to be thankful for.  I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband and my four precious kids that I have the privilege to call my own.  They are such a joy in my life.

- God is still faithful.  Even when things are difficult and even when it breaks our heart, we can rest in knowing that God is still good.  We may never know why some things happen, and that can be very hard, but we do know that God keeps his promises and that in all things (even the awful things) God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28)  Thank you Lord for being faithful and good despite our circumstances.  We know that we can trust you.

He makes beauty from ashes.

Trayvon Martin: Is it really black and white?

The death of a young 17-year-old boy is a tragic thing.  I am heartbroken for his family. The thought alone of losing one of my own children brings tears to my eyes.  It is easy to hear about situations like this and think, "Why? Why did this happen?" 

But the more I read about the story of Trayvon Martin's death, the more I feel that something is not quite right in our response.  I'm seeing countless blogs and Facebook statuses all exclaiming outrage over this act and many people expressing fear over their own children's safety. Certainly racism is very much alive in our country still.  Certainly we should mourn the death of a young man. But it's almost as if many of us are getting sucked into the emotional hype of the media's spin on this situation.

We want things to be black and white; for there to be a good guy and a bad guy.  We think that someone should be completely innocent and someone should be evil.  In this light, it is only natural to publicly crucify Zimmerman for his actions, to call it murder and racism, and to demand that he be arrested, even though none of us know all of the facts.  Some have said, "If it had been a black man that shot a white kid, he would have been arrested immediately." So it is easy to say, "Surely, this was an act of racism... of cold-blooded murder." 

Race may likely play a part in how this was investigated, but none the less we should be careful not to make assumptions and accusations. There is much evidence on both sides. Such as the fact that Zimmerman’s best friend is a black man that is vehemently insisting that it was not a racist act. Like the fact that Zimmerman and his wife had mentored minority children for years. Like the fact that an eye-witness says that Trayvon was on top of Zimmerman, beating his face in and trying to grab his gun when Zimmerman shot it. I’d like to think that perhaps, just maybe, the police didn’t immediately arrest Zimmerman because of what the eye-witnesses had to say rather than out of pure racism. It is a possibility at least.

  I wouldn’t want one of my adopted Ethiopian sons to be racially profiled or hurt based on the color of their skin, but I also wouldn’t want one of my white family members (and yes, I know Zimmerman was Hispanic, not white) to be crucified publicly on rumors if they may have in fact, only fired the gun out of fear and self-defense, regardless of how they got into the situation. Both is wrong. Should he have followed Trayvon? Should he have been carrying a gun? Did Trayvon come up behind him as he was walking back to his car and start beating him as Zimmerman claimed? We don't have all the facts, but I am praying for both families, and for true justice to be served.  

We should be very careful how we react to this situation, especially those of us who are Christians.  We should guard ourselves from being emotionally hyped up on rumors.  We should be patient as more evidence comes out, and we should pray that God would bring the truth to light. I do not think it is helpful, though, to add to the frenzy by saying things like, "I have a black son! It could have been him!" or "Why is that man not in jail yet??"  I do believe our justice system states that we are innocent until proven guilty. We ask questions like, "Would a black man have gone straight to jail?" judging (rightly) that it would be unjust for that to happen.  But then this man is not in jail, as the police continue to uncover more evidence and consider the eye witness reports, and we say the opposite... that he should be in jail already. We should not let our knee-jerk reaction of anger and confusion lead us in how we respond. 

 I recently heard a non-Christian compare the Christian community's response to this situation to that of the mob that wanted to stone Mary Magdalene for her adultery.  Another person compared it Jesus' crucifixion saying, "It was the mob mentality that led to one man being hung on the cross without a trial."  This should not be.  In our zeal to comfort a family that is mourning, we should not cross the line and condemn a man as guilty for things like racism and cold-blood murder.  We were not there.  We did not see.  But God knows the truth.  We should take this time to pray, to grieve, to learn, to examine ourselves.  But not to judge.  We were not there.

Day 11: Going raw (cont)

We're into day 11 of our 4-week raw experiment, and I'm really happy so far.  Yes, I definitely feel better having cut out the processed stuff and sugar, but what I'm enjoying the most is the simplicity of eating lately.

For the most part, I do not absolutely love baking and cooking and spending hours in the kitchen.  I do enjoy high-quality, rich-tasting food, but I find that there are many other things that I would rather spend my time doing than being in the kitchen all afternoon.  Therefore, I usually look for ways to make healthy, yummy meals in about 30 minutes or less.  Normally this looks like pan-searing some fish or baking chicken and sauteing some veggies on the side. During this time, we're still making the fish or chicken but adding a salad with like dried cranberries and sliced almonds or diced fruits and veggies.  Easy.  And that's what I like... easy, healthy meals that I don't have to think too much about.

I'll admit that we deviated from the plan and went out for pizza with our kids and some friends a few nights ago, and I don't feel guilty at all. :)  Honestly, this experiment is for Stephen and I to test, for ourselves, the benefits of eating more natural foods and less processed, junky stuff and we're truly enjoying it.  However, we still value good family time and good friends and are not going to pass up opportunities to enjoy them over a meal just so we can stick to "the plan". haha

By the way, I'd like to add that my kids, though they are not fully in this thing with us, have been absolute troopers!  They have been drinking green smoothies and snacking on fruits and veggies almost exclusively.  Although at dinner the other night, Kinsey noticed that the lettuce in the salad was baby spinach (which admittedly we've had quite a bit of) and her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Mom, after you're done with this new lifestyle thing can you please buy some romaine lettuce again??"  Haha Stephen and I tried not to laugh at that statement, but it was so sweet and a bit amazing that she was only asking for romaine lettuce!  I made sure to pick some up while at the store last night.  :)

Day 5: Going Raw

So today marks day five of our raw(ish) diet, and we've survived so far! :)

This has already been quite the experience for me, particularly.  I've been surprised at how in some ways it feels easier than I expected, and yet how in others it is requiring a lot more of me than I thought it would.

The best thing that I am noticing is that my energy level throughout the day is really steady.  I normally get tired and sometimes even weak in the afternoons but for the last few days I have not only not felt a dip in energy, I actually have more.  I spent most of yesterday afternoon organizing my closet and the kids' rooms.  That, my friends, is proof that we're on to something!  ;)

I will say that I don't think my body is really use to the changes yet and I find myself wanting to eat all day long, which was not the case before.  But it feels really good to snack on fresh fruit or some snacks from my new favorite brand, Go Raw.  They have some great things to munch on that are full of super healthy, raw ingredients.  I've been surprised that I have actually found a few items that I truly enjoy because I honestly did not think that would be the case.  I have also found a few that taste like they were dipped in the toilet before they were dehydrated... seriously.  So it really is trial and error.  But to find something that is so surprisingly pleasant can be very exciting, and may even cause you to exclaim, "These are awesome!!!" when you taste them in the store. haha

I definitely still have cravings from time to time, particularly for chocolate ice-cream and occasionally pasta.  (We're only on day 5, though)  I'm hoping that those will get better over time as I retrain my body to crave the natural foods that are good for me instead.  And it is good to see that I can retrain my taste buds as well!

 My focus during this time is on finding healthier alternatives to the normal go-to foods that fill the grocery stores and restaurants.  I've already learned so much just by more closely examining what is in so many of these products and realizing that there is way too much sugar, preservatives, and nasty chemicals that I can't even pronounce in many of the things that I thought were harmless.  We're talking stuff like bread, yogurt, cereal.... basics that have become far from basic when we take a closer look.

On the other hand, I do not want to become a person that obsesses over every tiny little thing.  We should be responsible for our own health without letting fear dictate our decisions.  But for me, that doesn't mean being ignorant either.  The food that our grandparents ate is far from much of the "food" that we eat today, and as a result we are seeing ever increasing numbers of deadly diseases.  When some of the leading causes of death in our generation were so rare just a couple of generations ago, it would be wise for us to take a step back and examine what we are doing.  I didn't realize that so many health issues are directly related to our diet, but it makes sense.  We build our immune system through eating healthy foods and through a healthy lifestyle.  That thought has kept me very encouraged so far to keep going, even when cravings have come up!

I hope to check in sometime next week with more updates.  This is really exciting for us!

The Raw Diet: An experiment

So today marks the first day of a month-long experiment for Stephen and I.  For the next four weeks we will be following a slightly modified version of the Raw Food diet.

What exactly is this?  The Raw Food diet, or as many would say, the Raw Food lifestyle, is one where not only does a person eliminate processed foods from their diet, they also eliminate most cooked foods from their diet and focus mainly on fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds.  Cooking a vegetable breaks it down  and less of the nutrients can be absorbed by your body.  However, drying things like fruits does not break it down.  This diet is also for the purpose of eliminating toxins from your body, which are so prevalent in processed foods in the form of preservatives, hormones, pesticides, and even just large amounts of sugar.

Stephen and I are doing a modified version of this.  We are keeping eggs and fish (and occasionally organic chicken) but much of our diet will be things like fresh veggies, fruits, berries, green smoothies, nuts and seeds.  We are also keeping in organic milk, raw organic peanut butter, plain greek yogurt (without sugary additives) and raw honey.

A typical day for us might look something like this:

Breakfast: Eggs with sliced avocado, berries, fresh juice

Lunch:  Apples and peanut butter, green smoothie (Berries, banana, fresh spinach, Perfect Food powder (Super Green formula), greek yogurt, and a little milk)

Snack: Almonds, kiwi/ pomegranate seeds (yum!)

Dinner: Grilled Tilapia (cooked with olive oil, salt and fresh garlic), baby spinach salad with dried cranberries, sliced almonds, and (homemade) balsamic vinaigrette.  


Things we will be giving up for the next month include:

-Coffee (ouch!)
-ice-cream (double ouch for me!)
-pasta
-bread
-processed meats and chicken
-cheese (we normally eat a ton of this)
-regular processed yogurt
-juice (except that which we juice ourselves with fresh fruit)
-condiments like ketchup, mayo etc


What we have been hearing from others on the Raw Food diet is that they have noticed a drastic difference in their health.  Their energy has skyrocketed, they have more mental clarity and focus, their complexion improved, they have lost extra weight that they carried.  Some health issues have gone away and even some diseases have been reversed.

It makes sense to me.  If we are eating fresh healthy foods and avoiding foods that are not good for our bodies we should naturally have much better health, right?  Needless to say, I have high hopes for this little experiment.  I plan to blog a couple of times a week during this process to share what, if any, changes Stephen and I are noticing.  Here we go! :)

Guarding our hearts

Over the past several weeks now I've been contemplating and meditating on Proverbs 4:23. 

   

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think each and every one of us knows from some sort of experience the truth of this verse.  It seems like it is so easy for your heart to be affected by the struggles and hurts that we all go through.  This season has been one of overwhelming joy and still quite a bit of hardship for our family.  We have so much to be thankful for and yet we are still hurting as we continue to make our way through different situations.  I think sometimes the natural reaction to being hurt is to become defensive, and yet I know that is not a healthy solution, particularly if you value having real and authentic friendships and community with other people.  If we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, will we really ever experience the kind of community that the Bible teaches us about? 

One of the things I am learning lately is that when you don't guard your heart it is easy to become cynical because there are always going to be people out there that will hurt you and situations that leave you with the short end of the stick. I think this is why the bible tells us to not let our love grow cold, because in this imperfect world it can easily happen and we must guard our hearts from becoming cynical and defensive. I truly believe that cynicism causes divisiveness and ultimately stifles our joy. But when we are meditating on the goodness of God, on his faithfulness and love and grace, we cannot help but be thankful for all that we have which will produce in us true and lasting joy. When I am dwelling on a frustrating situation or how I was mistreated by someone, I literally can feel the cynicism and bitterness creeping inside of me. I start to forget how good God has been to me and how much I am blessed. But when I choose to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for I am often times overcome with joy and thankfulness even though my circumstances have not changed. Funny how that works. I suppose that's why the bible instructs us to do this. :)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.- Phil 4:8

This is why I think it is so important to speak encouragement to others. When we complain or grumble we breed divisiveness and anger but when we encourage and build others up through sincere love it will produce joy and unity among us. I'm not talking about that fake "Oh, it's so good to see you!" stuff when really you know that you have a grudge against that person. (And they probably know it too.) I'm talking about walking in love, asking God to humble us and change our hearts, so that we see others the way that God sees them. We should fight for this, for unity, joy and sincere love, because we know that this is what Christ wants. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and patience to lovingly and gently teach us a better way! 

One day at a time...

It seems like our family is ever changing as we continue to bond and adapt to this new life of ours.  I can honestly say that going from two kids to four overnight is not necessarily an easy thing. Go figure! :)  I'm the kind of mom that is very "go with the flow" and tends to be more laid back when it comes to structure and routine.  And while I think I will naturally always be this way to some extent, I am definitely seeing myself change some simply out of necessity.  I mean, I like having my kids play carefree around the house or in the backyard, getting dirty or into mischief usually.  In the past I haven't been quite as strict on bedtimes.  I might have let the laundry go for a few days or *gasp* even closer to a week. (My mom will be mortified to read this) ;)  

But I'm finding that it is necessary with two more children in our home, particularly two that need a little more attention than the average 3 and 5 year olds, to bring a little more structure to our home to keep things moving smoothly.  I've also seen this to be necessary for me, as a person, and for Stephen and I.  For instance, I highly value bedtimes always being between 7 and 7:30 now, not only because I've seen a general improvement in my kids behavior, but because after spending the whole day pouring myself into my four kids, Stephen and I truly need that time after the kids go to bed to connect and unwind.  I pay very close attention to my family's nutrition (which I always have, but even more strictly now) because I know that our boys missed out on healthy eating their first few years.  Since good nutrition, such as eating veggies and fruits and lean protein, is such a huge part of the overall health of a person, this is something that I feel I must work hard to maintain.  And I usually can't just plan to leave the house at the drop of a hat because I know the boys do best if I prepare them and explain things to them in advance.  It's not that they aren't happy when I tell them we need to go somewhere, but they get so excited they literally can't stop asking questions to try to figure out what's going on. "Mom, what doing? What this? Wow! Where going? Ah? Go car? Go store? Ah? What doing??" haha 

With all of the continual changes happening in our family, there is one in particular that I am really enjoying and that is the fact that the boys now speak English well enough to share some of their memories from Ethiopia.  Until more recently, I was unsure of whether or not it would bother them if we talked about Ethiopia so I kind of slowly tested the waters to see if this was something they wanted to talk about or not.  To my surprise, they were very excited to talk about Ethiopia and what they remembered.  The other day, I had pulled out the boys' suitcases to pack for our trip for Thanksgiving (which we are currently in the car driving to).   The boys saw the suitcases and said, "Ohhhh!!! Dis red one. Dis blue one.  Dis in Ethiopia."  So we sat on the floor next to the suitcases talking about some of our experiences in Ethiopia.  I asked the boys, "Do you remember when Daddy brought ice-cream to the hotel in Ethiopia?" The boys' eyes lit up and they talked about what color ice-cream they had eaten and how they got so messy.  I said, "And what did we do after ice-cream?"  Both boys jumped up and said, "Bath! Big BIG bubbles!!" haha

 I just love that we have gotten to the point that we are able to look back together at some of the memories we have already made over the past five months.  And I also really love that the boys are old enough to remember Ethiopia and some of the special people that were in their lives like their nanny, Werkenesh, and our agency's driver, Yitbarek, who was like an uncle to them.  We have talked about them fondly a few times, and the boys seem to be ok with the fact that we don't see them anymore, though this is still a sad reality.  I know, even as orphans in Ethiopia, they still had to give up a lot to be here with us.  Once Jude told me very matter-of-factly, "Mom? Yitbarek... Ethiopia.  Me... here.  Me... America." I kind of froze when he said that and tried to study his face to see how he was feeling about the statement he had just made.  We looked at each other for a moment but then he smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I picked him up and hugged him tightly.  I'm so glad that we are able to share and talk like this, even through their broken, yet oh so adorable English.   

The other day after eating lunch, Liam told me, "Mommy? Liam hurting tummy." We rocked together in the rocking chair in his room, and when Jude came in he said, "What doing?" to which Liam exclaimed, "Jude! Liam tummy boo-boo." This apparently brought back a memory for Jude, and he started telling me about how when he was in Addis Ababa, (or as he says Addis Aba) he had a bad tummy ache and started throwing up, (the hand motion he used for this was pretty cute.) and his nanny had to give him a bath.  I gave him a hug and said, "Oh Jude, I'm so sorry you had a boo-boo in Ethiopia.  Did Werkenesh help you to feel better?" And he said, "Yeah. All better. No boo-boo America. Me good." I love when he shares things like this with me, and I get a little bit of a closer glimpse into what his life was like before we came for him.  

Adopting our boys has been such a huge blessing to us.  So many people have said to us, "Wow, that must be pretty hard, huh?" And our response is always, "You're right.  It is very hard.  But it is so worth it.  There is so much joy to be had in this process.  We've experienced God's love and faithfulness in a deeper way that we wouldn't have otherwise known."  I know that each adoptive family has their own unique joys and struggles, and I truly am not trying to minimize the challenges of adoption.  They are very real.  But I've found that there is such a deep joy in the midst of these challenges if we are seeking God's heart in the midst of our circumstances.  He is so good and so faithful, even in the challenging times! Every time I look into my two precious little boys faces I am reminded of God's deep love for his people.  Every time I hear them giggle I am reminded of his faithfulness to heal our brokenness. There will be brokenness for each of us, but he is good and kind and gentle and faithful to take care of us and to restore us in his perfect timing.  This is the beauty of Jesus.  

"So why did you choose to adopt internationally?"

 This is one of the main questions that Stephen and I have been asked lately. There is so much need, both overseas and right here in our own country and city, that it can be sometimes overwhelming to pinpoint where you want to start. Stephen and I are both incredibly passionate about caring for orphans in general, but as we started to look into the possibility of adopting, we really felt that international adoption was the right choice for our family right now.  Here's why.

Over the past few years especially, Stephen and I have begun to grow more and more passionate about international missions for a few reasons.

1) The extreme poverty in many of these developing countries is unlike anything we see here in America.  36 million people die of malnutrition and the diseases caused by it each year! The leading cause for child mortality worldwide is malnutrition.  And I can tell you, just by walking the streets of Addis Ababa, that this kind of poverty is absolutely horrific... and it's everywhere in Africa particularly.

2) There are literally thousands of people groups that have absolutely no access to the gospel whatsoever.  This is a heartbreaking reality, and we know that as Christians God has called each of us to go make disciples.  While we greatly value reaching out to those that are in our immediate circle, if none of us are willing to go further, then how can others hear? It is for this reason that Christ said to go and make disciples of all nations. Because God actually loves them just as much as he does Americans. That may sound harsh, I know, but I think we sometimes forget that the majority of the world isn't living the American dream, nor anything close to it.  And that many people have never even heard the name of Jesus let alone the hope of salvation that we have through him.

3) We know that we want our family to be a picture of the gospel, not just in terms of adoption (God first adopted us into his family and made us his own), but also as a display of the truth of God's love for every tribe, tongue, and nation.  He loves people no matter their color, ethnicity, or language.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made!

Our decision also came from a lot of prayer for clarity and direction.  Like almost two years worth.  And from that we began to see God confirm the path for us over and over again through circumstances, people and even dreams.


I will also say that God ALWAYS prepares you for the things he calls you to do.  The biggest comment I've probably heard from people concerning our adoption is, "I could never do that because..."  So many people love the idea of adopting but feel unable to do so.  Here are many statements we've heard.

"I couldn't adopt because we don't make a great income."
"Maybe I would have if I didn't already have kids of my own."
"I just don't know if I could love them enough/like my own kids."
"I'm too busy to adopt."
"I don't have enough patience for that kind of thing."


Let me tell you, as a young couple that makes a very modest income, already had two children biologically, has a very busy life, travels a decent amount of time for Stephen's work, and I am not naturally an organized person, nor do I love laundry or dishes... at all... God prepares and equips each family despite whatever challenges you may face.  I'm not saying it is a breeze.  It takes a lot of hard work!  But I am saying that all things are possible with God if you have a willing heart.  Faith + a willing heart = unlimited possibilities as to what God can do through you (despite yourself.) So many people told us about how hard adoption would be, but few shared about how much joy it would bring us. It far outweighs the challenges!

If you feel that little pull or tug toward adopting, but you have concerns or doubts about it being possible, don't let that concern or fear keep you from pursuing God on this issue.  It is absolutely true that he not only makes a way for it to happen (sometimes just one step at a time like he did with us), but he also provides every little thing that you need in order to do so, not only during the adoption process but also in your new life after you bring your child home.  For those who want to adopt or feel called to adopt take courage that God is so faithful to provide!  I often felt like Moses during our adoption process.  We didn't know the details of how it was going to work but the one thing that we did know is that God said, "Go." Each step of the way, he provided just in time.  Each time we didn't have a solution, he would part the red sea so to speak.  It has been so beautiful and has caused us to fall in love with the Lord even more.  I pray that more families will be blessed in this way, and that they will take courage that where the Lord leads, he absolutely always provides.

As I said earlier, international adoption was the right choice for our family right now.  Meaning, are we going to adopt again? Maybe so. From Ethiopia?  Perhaps. Another country? Possibly.  Do foster care? We're certainly open to it in the future.  Who knows, we many even have another baby biologically.  This is not because we want "tons" of kids necessarily or because we think it would be easy to do so.  (Yeah right!) But we want to let God guide us in what our family will look like and not put limitations on what he has for us.  If there's one thing that I can say we've really learned going through this adoption process, it has been that God will always be faithful no matter the challenges and no matter the circumstances.  This fact has given us an incredible amount of courage and faith because we've seen him provide over and over again even when it seemed impossible.  Certainly he will continue to be faithful, and seeing his faithfulness in our lives brings so much peace and joy!

A little confession

Here's my little confession for the day.  I miss home.  Like, I really really miss my family lately.  I think part of it is because we have our sweet little boys here now, and I so wish we were able to be closer to family for everyone to spend quality time together.  I think about how wonderful it was for my girls to have my parents and sisters be such a part of their daily lives, and how that's just not the case anymore and it hurts my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm not incredibly happy here in Saint Louis.  I love this city.  I love our church, our neighborhood, our wonderful friends here.  And I think about how many times God has confirmed to us that this is exactly where we are suppose to be right now, and I'm filled with joy in knowing that we are here for a purpose and to be used by him, as well as to grow in Him.

Perhaps part of it is that this coming season is so nostalgic for me.  I love the cooler weather, the turning leaves, the fall festivities. Whenever the cooler weather first hits, it always reminds me of a certain memory of when Kinsey was two, and my mom and I would take her, all dressed up in her new fall clothes, to her weekly gymboree music class.  It was such a special season for us.

Anyway, I know I'm just rambling, but for some reason I really wanted to write it down.  I love my family.  I love my home.  And while Austin is always going to feel like home to me, I'm also so grateful for where we are now and how incredibly blessed we are.  It's so comforting to know that God is the one leading us, and we just have to be faithful to follow!

The Miller 6- A new "normal"

The funny thing about life is that it never quite goes as planned. There are always bumps in the road and twists and turns that you didn't expect. With our adoption process we didn't even quite know what to expect. I mean, there are so many unknowns about what life is going to be like once you bring your children home. You can daydream all day long about what you hope it will be like, but the fact of the matter is that there are dozen of different factors that will contribute to what it actually turns out to be like. We have so many friends that have adopted or are going through the adoption process, and really the one thing that we all have in common is that each story is different. Different children, different ages, different countries, different challenges. But the same joy.

Here we are two months after we brought Jude Surafel and Liam Esrael home. I can tell you that what I thought would be a challenge for us has not been, and what I didn't think would be an issue has been. It's funny how that works. We were prepared to bring home two little boys that probably wouldn't eat well, sleep well, play well, or honestly adjust well to a completely new life. At least not at first, right? I mean, if this were happening to me I'd probably be throwing tantrums constantly and freaking out over how much change I was being forced to face all at one time. We read the books that shed light on all of the different possible problems we could encounter, particularly with adopting toddlers that are too young to fully understand what is going on but old enough to be distressed about the many different changes they are going through. We were prepared to deal whatever crazy stuff came our way.

We've definitely been dealing with our fair share of difficulties which I'll mention later, but as far as Jude and Liam are concerned, I've never been so amazed. These kids are resilient to say the least. There are times that I will just stand back and watch in awe as they truly thrive in their new environment. Life is filled with so many precious and often times funny moments. Like how each time Liam will discover a new toy (which is like every 5 minutes) he will exclaim to his brother, "Jude Afafen! Look! Fun! Fun!" Or how no matter what I tell the boys we are going to do, they get excited about it.

Me: "Time to go in the car."

Them: "Yay! Go in car!"

Me: "Come on kids. Time to eat."

Them: "Yay! Come eat! Come eat!"

Me: "Bubble bath time."

Them: "Bubbles! Bubbles! Come on!!"

I also love how Jude really likes to understand what to expect each day and tries to communicate it to me. It goes something like this. (Excitedly) "Mommy? Wake up, eat eggies, clothes, swing, eat banana, tv, sleep, eat, bubbles, books, sleep!" Haha

When it comes to disciplining them, it usually doesn't take much to correct the behavior. Yesterday as we walked through our neighborhood after dropping Keira off for Kindergarten, Jude happily skipped down the sidewalk ahead of me. When he started to get a little too far, I called to him to stop and wait for Liam and me to catch up. He thought for a moment, put his hand over his mouth while giggling, and then turned and kept going full pace until he was out of my sight. Luckily we were already close to our house, but still I knew he had to understand the importance of following the rules especially when we were outside and near the street. I sat him on his bed when we got home and calmly told him in simple words that he could understand that since he didn't stop when I said stop, he had to sit in his room instead of eating his snack right away (A banana, as usual. They act like it's desert or something! haha) He nodded and then cried for a few minutes before I let him join his brother for snack time. What I thought was so interesting is that today he was very careful to not get more than 10 or 15 feet in front of me while we walked to the school. He would skip for a bit and then turn around and look at me as if to say, "Is this ok?" When I would nod, he would continue on for a bit before checking again to make sure he wasn't too far. He really is such a great kid! :)

While I am quite surprised and thankful for how well the boys seem to be adjusting here, I'm certainly not trying to sugar-coat this or make adoption look like an effortless journey that contains no hardship or heartache. Believe me, it contains both. There is plenty of heartache as you navigate through the adoption process, as you wonder where your child is and what he is doing, as you see the faces of many children in need of families, as you pray and hope and wait to bring your child home. And there is plenty of heartache once you bring them home and you spend yourself to the point of exhaustion as you help these children to heal from some of their past trauma. You will shed tears as you see evidence of the pain they have been through. When a misunderstood statement about Stephen going on an airplane leaves them crying and thinking they are going back to Ethiopia. When they get so extremely happy at meal time and it makes you wonder how many meals they missed before coming home. When you look at the one picture you were given of their birth mom who was obviously crying, and you think about the awful reality that millions of children are left without parents to care for them because of disease and extreme poverty. Yes folks, there is still plenty of heartache when it comes to adoption even for the families whose child or children seem to be adjusting pretty well. It is costly. There are days that you will spend every ounce of energy you have and then some to meet your children's physical, emotional, and mental needs. There are days that you will want to cry from being so emotionally drained and yet so happy at the same time. You may literally question your sanity that you can feel so empty yet so full, so heartbroken yet so overjoyed, so confused yet so at peace. God is a good God. He is faithful to care for us as we make our way through this messy thing called life. That is what's so incredible about this adoption process for us. It has been such a picture of the Lord's faithfulness in our lives. I love that I can see him walking with us, hand in hand, each step of the way. He is the one doing this, not us, and that is a very reassuring thought! :)

While our family has had to deal with some health issues, which I'll talk about next, I think we've had it easier than many other families when it comes to the kids adjusting to their new life. I've heard so many stories about other families dealing with attachment issues, behavioral issues, eating and sleeping problems and so forth and sometimes I wonder why the boys aren't exhibiting some of these things too. While we're only a couple of months into it and new things can surface at any time, I honestly think that one of the reasons the boys seem to be doing so well here has to do with the care center that they were in. Like other adopted children, our boys have faced abandonment. They've missed meals. They've been without a mommy and daddy to hold them and play with them and teach them and feed them and tuck them into bed and say prayers at night. But I witnessed the level of care and attention that they received at their care center. I saw the bond that they had with their nanny. I watched as they played with her and she tickled them and made them laugh and kissed their cheeks. I listened as she would excitedly point to us and tell the boys, "Kiss mommy! Kiss daddy! Hug...Say... I love you!" I truly believe that one of the main reasons why our boys have bonded so well with us and have come into this new life full of excitement and happiness is because of the love and sense of security that this woman gave to our boys. For her to be there not only to love on them while they waited to come home, but for her to encourage them that it will be ok when they leave with us. That we will love them and be good to them. That they will be happy. I truly love this woman for what she has done for Jude and Liam. She was like a mother to them when they had none. Thank you, Lord, for putting this woman in their lives!

As I said, though, each adoptive family has a unique set of challenges to face. Our main one for sure has been health related. You see, a few weeks after bringing the boys home, Jude got pretty sick very suddenly. He had a fever and his face started swelling very quickly and significantly. My mind was racing. Let's see, we just brought him home from Africa so this could be... just about anything. I worried for his well-being and prayed that it wouldn't be anything very serious or damaging. After several days in the hospital and a tons and tons of testing, we were finally told that he had contracted the mumps a few days before we picked him up in Ethiopia. In some ways, we were relieved to hear this because the mumps is a relatively harmless virus that passes quickly. However, we were confused to find this out given that you actually contract the mumps 12-25 days before you show any symptoms so his doctor told us he had to have contracted it 2-3 days before we arrived in Ethiopia to pick them up. Remember, this is a child that remained within the walls of a little care center, and there have been no cases of mumps there. We were, however, notified that he received immunizations for all 5 years that he had missed the week before we picked him up. Why they would give a malnourished underweight child five years worth of vaccines at one time is beyond me. I was actually quite horrified to find that out, and even Jude's doctor said that he probably got the mumps from the vaccine. I'm just glad that it was the mumps and not one of the more serious diseases! Anyway, all that to say, because the mumps can take up to 25 days before manifesting symptoms, we've had to remain at home until more recently. The girls even missed the first couple of weeks of school because we needed to be sure that they hadn't gotten it before going to school. But PRAISE THE LORD we are back to normal now!! :)

So we're back to "normal" life as they call it, which is still far from normal. My daily routine includes not only all of the normal stuff for a family with young children, but also some things that are quite unique. Like snuggling on the couch with my two kids from Africa as I try to teach them new words in English. Like trying to explain for the 10th time why, yes, you are going to fall into the toilet if you try to sit on it without the seat down. Like trying to capture pictures of your 5-year-old and 3-year-old riding bikes for the first time, having a birthday party for the first time, or eating a pb&j sandwich for the first time. (They thought a pb&j sandwich was so strange and funny the first time I made it for them! haha)

Life is good. It's not normal, but I wouldn't change one tiny little thing about it. I still can't believe that God allowed us to adopt these two little boys. Like we really got to bring them home. They're really ours forever. We're two months into forever, and I've got to say, it feels pretty good! :)

Our first week home

Arriving in St Louis with the boys was so exciting. We were so glad to have finished traveling, and we were anxious to introduce the boys to our girls and my mom, who was staying at our house with the girls while we were gone. One of the biggest things that Stephen and I had been praying about was the chemistry between the boys and the girls. We really prayed that they would not only get along well but that they would really love each other!

We made our way to the pick-up area at the airport and watched in fascination as we opened the doors to the car and the kids all started giggling and hugging each other. It was so incredibly beautiful! Jude climbed in the back seat with Keira, and she excitedly showed him how to buckle his new booster seat which he actually enjoyed doing. Kinsey wanted to buckle Liam into his carseat next to her, and they played peek-a-boo and giggled together for a good while. It was so precious to hear the boys try to say the girls names which ended up being, "Kiss-ey! Kiss-ey!" and "Ke-a! Ke-a!" :)

The car ride to our house was loud with laughter. The girls kept trying to get the boys to repeat random words in English which the boys happily went along with. When we got home we spent the first few minutes on the front porch as all four kids sat on the porch swing together. The picture I took of this is definitely one of my favorites so far. Then we went inside and the girls excitedly showed the boys every inch of the house. We ended up in the boys' room and spent a good bit of time showing them all of their toys and clothes. Liam just looked at everything with wide eyes and occasionally would smile or giggle at something, but Jude kept exclaiming, "Wow! Wow!" with each new thing.

One of our good friends from our church brought dinner that evening, and the boys ate good amount of chicken and rice before heading upstairs for a bubble bath which they thoroughly enjoyed. Stephen and I took turns rocking the boys in the glider in their room at bedtime before laying down with them. They cried off and on for a few minutes as we rubbed their backs and sang to them but fell asleep quickly.

Our first week home was filled with lots of excitement. Each day the boys would say new words and try new things. They played very well with their sisters, sharing everything they saw. They also bonded really quickly with my mom and were always calling, "Gigi!" which is what the kids call her. :)

Unfortunately, Stephen had to leave after a few days because the band still had two weeks of camps left. He was going to the first one by himself, coming home for the weekend, and then we were all going to go to the last one together that way we did have to be away from daddy for two weeks. :) I was concerned that the boys would be really upset while he was gone, but they didn't cry at all. Occasionally, we would look at pictures of him and they would point and say excitedly, "Daddy! Daddy!" I wanted so badly to explain to them that he would be back in just a few days. When the guys did return, the boys were really excited and Stephen spent the whole evening chasing the kids around the house and being silly.

The main challenge we saw the first week was with us establishing authority with them. They were super sweet and happy the majority of the time, but during the times that we would have to tell them no about something they would get really upset and cry. Often they would try to get it anyway, and we would take them upstairs and sit down with them for a few minutes while they calmed down. But only took about five minutes for them to calm down, and then we would hug them and they would say, "I loooove you!" I was honestly really surprised at how quickly they would move on and be hugging and kissing us again. And each day we would see a significant amount of progress. Sometimes we would say no about something and they wouldn't even get upset. But other times it was the end of the world, at least for a few minutes. ;) All in all, though, it was a GREAT first week!

Coming home! Not so fast...

So a little more time has gone by since my last post than I had planned. Go figure! :) I found that while I do enjoy blogging, I've been reluctant to use the few hours each evening after we put the kids to bed to blog. There's just so many other things that I can't really do with the kids awake so most of the time when I plan to blog it doesn't happen. But I think if I designate one evening a week to writing I'll stay fairly caught up. I'm finding that these days things always work best when it's planned out and scheduled in advance! :)

As I mentioned in my last blog, all flights out of Ethiopia are late in the evening so our flight left at 11 pm. We were prepared for a rough trip home, knowing that the boys would likely be sleep-deprived and cranky. (Not to mention we would be sleep-deprived!) However, we had no idea what was in store for us. Let me just put it this way. I think that this was one of the hardest two days of my life, and that is not an exaggeration.

As we walked into the airport, the boys were so excited to get on the plane. They pulled their little blue and red suitcases and kept exclaiming, "Aeroplan! Aeroplan!" But as we walked through the front door we immediately noticed a very long line for security. Within a couple of minutes Liam was saying, "Mommy? Toilet!" which is how the boys let us know they need to use the restroom. So I left Stephen and Jude Surafel with the luggage and asked the security officer if I could take Liam through security to use the restroom. Thankfully, it was ok, but when we finished he decided that he did NOT want me to take him back. Instead he wanted to run aimlessly around and try to stay out of my reach. I knew that the boys had had very little exposure to busy places so they had absolutely no concept that getting lost would be dangerous. I could also see that despite the fact that we had taken a long nap that afternoon, Liam was already very tired. As I caught him by the hand and picked him up, he started screaming hysterically. I mean, you would think that this child was being hurt or something because it sounded awful! I held him tightly as he tried to get free, and walked as calmly as possible back over to Stephen.

Every eye in the airport was on us, and I remember thinking to myself, "Yes go ahead and look. There's no way that you could possibly understand what's going on right now." It was only the beginning. We made our way through the check-in and immigration with Jude Surafel on Stephen's shoulders and Liam Esrael still hysterical. He cried and cried that I would not let him down, and I knew that sleeping was the only thing that was going to help him at that point. Still, it was hard to carry a screaming child through the airport for over an hour. And I hated that it probably looked like he didn't want to come with us to all of the people that kept staring at us. But I didn't expect anyone to saying something to us so I was a little caught off guard when an Ethiopian man walked over and said loudly, "Where is his mother??" Stephen turned around and took Liam from my arms as I said, "Um, I'm sorry? We are his parents." But that only agitated the man, and he started yelling, "Where is his REAL mother? He wants his REAL mother!" At that point one of the women that worked at our gate came over and said to him, "Sir, these are their adoptive parents and it's normal for children to cry before flying." We literally had to walk away because he wouldn't stop shouting, "He's crying for his REAL mother! That's who he wants!" Talk about ignorant. There are 5.5 million orphans in Ethiopia and starving people everywhere you turn, and he's assuming that the boys' "real" mother is even alive?? Up until this point we had been pleasantly surprised by how kind and gracious the Ethiopian people in general had been to us about adopting the boys so I was truly shocked to have been treated this way by that man.

Thankfully we were able to board a few minutes later. We had the four seats in the middle row, so Stephen and I sat on the outside and put the boys on the inside. Liam calmed down and both boys enjoyed playing with the tvs on the seats in front of them for awhile. But Liam started crying once again when he had to buckle his seat belt. This was another new concept for him because there were no seat belts in the car we rode in all week. I remember looking over at Stephen after he finally fell asleep and said, "Well, at least it can't really get any worse unless our plane crashes, right?" What a naive thing to say! ;)

Our first of two lay-overs was in Frankfurt which meant our first flight was only about 5 hours long, and the second one would be the longer one of about 9 hours. So I fully anticipated both of the boys to be exhausted when we got to Germany, but we figured it would be ok since we only had a one hour layover before heading to Chicago. Stephen and I had only slept a few hours on the first flight, so the plan was to just make it until the second one and we could all sleep then. Liam was right on cue when we stepped off the plane with his crying. This time Jude was also uncooperative, and Stephen had to carry him. Both boys would cry for a bit, then yawn and look around and cry some more. As if making a 25+ hour trip wasn't going to be hard enough for two little boys that were used to spending every day within the walls of the little care center, they were also getting very little sleep!

This would have been enough for me to have considered this a very hard trip, but it truly was only beginning. It quickly became clear to us that our connecting flight to Chicago had been canceled, and as we tried to go through immigrations to get to the desk to book a new one we were asked for the boys visas. This caused a huge problem because they were in a sealed envelope from the US embassy and we were told to not open it under any circumstances but to present it to US immigrations when we got to Chicago. This meant that I had to stay back with the boys while Stephen went through to try and get us a different flight. But by the time he got in line, he was the last of 300 other people who were also suppose to be on the flight to Chicago. I didn't think that a person could possibly have to stand in line for 4 hours just to book a flight, but that's how long Stephen had to.

When I realized Stephen had to leave me with both of the boys, who were at this point going through a wide range of emotions and behaviors from excited and trying to run away to angry and then back again to hysterical, I kept thinking, "Oh dear God, this is going to be insane. PLEASE let it go quickly and get us home, Lord!" I had become use to the stares from people each time one of the boys would freak out, but after a little while Jude just shut down completely (which is understandable for a 4-year-old that only got a few hours of sleep and was in a really scary environment for him). I had taken the boys to the restroom after already waiting for Stephen to return for several hours and as we tried to make our way through the busy pathway back to the table at McDonalds (the only place where we could at least sit down and look out the window at the planes) he just stopped walking. I gently tugged at his hand and said, "Come Surafel. Please. Lets go see the planes again." But instead of going with me, he sat down. Right there. In the the middle of a busy walk way. I knelt down with Liam still in my arms, and tried to coax Jude into standing back up, but he just stared at the ground, completely unresponsive, as if to say, "I've had enough of this." Liam had also had enough, but he displayed it in a much, um, louder way. He screamed and threw himself all around, occasionally trying to bite my shoulder in an effort to get free. I mean you really couldn't get a worse situation. One of my kids was about to get stepped on by the swarms of people walking back and forth and the other was trying his best to just run away. I had one in each hand, but I couldn't move. I was on the verge of completely bursting into tears. I got down in front of Jude with tears in my eyes and said, "Jude, look. Mommy is crying. Please. Come one." He looked at me and then looked down again. And that's when I started praying, "God, I can't handle this by myself. Please help me somehow!"

It was probably less than a minute before a woman that was walking by stopped to talk to me. As I looked up at her she said to me, "You know, if you smacked them around a bit more they would listen to you better." Um, not exactly what I needed right then. She then proceeded to say, "Here, I'll do it for you." and as she grabbed one of Jude's wrists and yanked on him she told him sternly, "Get up! Get up!" I was absolutely shocked, and I don't even know what I would have done if another woman hadn't intervened at that time. I mean, I think I'm a reasonably patient person, but when I'm sleep deprived and trying to get my very tired, frightened, and over-stimulated adopted children home I have no patience for ignorant rude people that put their hands on my kids. God's timing was perfect because I very well may have laid a hand on her too. Just being honest. :)

Here's where my prayer was answered. At that precise moment, another woman walked up and said to the first lady, "You know, I think she's ok. We can handle it from here." and thankfully the rude woman left. I proceeded to cry as this woman, whose name is Natalie, kindly asked me questions about the boys, and told me that she was returning from a missions trip to Africa. It didn't take long before discovering that she was from Austin, TX, my hometown. And she goes to a church that is merging with The Austin Stone, the church that Stephen and I attended before moving to St Louis. She had a long layover and stayed with me for over an hour, helping me keep the boys occupied and fairly happy. When Stephen finally returned I told him everything. We were all such an emotional mess by this time. Stephen and I didn't fight at all, but we both shed plenty of tears. I was SO exhausted already and we were stuck in Frankfurt. Stephen told me about how he cried too when he finally got through the line just to be told that there were NO AVAILABLE FLIGHTS for that day and that since we couldn't go through immigrations with the boys we would have to sleep in the airport. Um, right like that was going to happen. Even the police in the airport said it was impossible to get a temporary visa for the boys so that we could got to a hotel, but they graciously offered to let us sleep on the floor of that room. Ha! Just when we thought we could take no more, we were told that there was one flight that had 4 seats left headed for New Jersey in 5 hours. That's it! Surely our problems were over now, right! Right?

Not yet. We were able to go to the gate where that flight would be departing, but Stephen was told that he would again have to go across the airport to "check-in" since this was a flight transfer. Dread was what I felt when I learned that I was again going to be without him. I'll make this part shorter by simply saying that they gave him the run-around for several more hours by telling him to go here and there until right before the flight boarded. The flight attendant at our gate called our name over the loud speaker, and when I anxiously made my way up there she asked quite rudely, "Why haven't you checked in?" I told her that my husband was trying to do so and she asked, "Where is your husband?? You're not getting on this flight without checking in." Thank goodness he walked up, or rather ran up, right then. All I could say was, "Stephen, really?" before again starting to cry. The woman asked Stephen why I was crying, and after explaining everything, they took our bags and let us board. THANK YOU LORD GOD!! All four of us fell asleep immediately after take-off and slept until touch-down.

We arrived in New Jersey that evening around 9 pm, got a taxi, and went to the nearest available hotel for the night because, well, we can do that kind of thing in the United States. Ha! All of us again slept all night, even after sleeping on the plane, and ate a great breakfast at the hotel the next morning. The boys were back to normal after sleeping well, and they ate a ton for breakfast. Jude looked amazed at the buffet. I don't think he had ever seen that much food at one time before.

This time while we waited for our plane to board, the boys sat happily with us in the waiting area, eating some snacks, and talking to my family on the phone for the first time. Stephen taught them to say, "Howdy, howdy, howdy!" They thought that was hilarious, and Jude kept repeating that and "I loooove you!" on the phone. Liam walked around showing everyone around us his snacks and his little toy car, and making lots of new "friends". He has a very outgoing personality, and likes to interact with anyone that will pay attention to him. :)

The 2 hour flight went very well, and the flight attendant was a kind older man that really enjoyed interacting with the boys. Since the flight was only half full, he stopped often to sit down and play games with the boys and make them laugh. My favorite part, though, was when we ordered the boys apple juice and it came with ice in it. We had not gotten ice in any of our drinks before because you're not suppose to drink the water in Ethiopia, and it became clear that the boys didn't know what it was. Jude would say, "Mommy! Mommy!" and put a cube in his mouth for a second and then take it out and point and say, "Ah!" to show me that it was cold. He thought that was hilarious!

We were so glad when we landed in St Louis! It felt amazing to be home, and as we walked through the airport with a kid on each of our shoulders, Stephen and I had the biggest smiles on our faces. The process of getting home was a complete nightmare, but we had made it! We were finally home!

Bringing our boys home: Part 1

So it's been a few days since we arrived home with our boys. What a journey it's been!

Being in Ethiopia was so wonderful. The weather was cool (60s and 70s) since it's the rainy season there, and luckily it only rained for an hour or two each day so we were still able to go out and do things. We wanted to really experience Ethiopia this time since we know it will likely be quite a while before we are able to visit again.

The flight over was absolutely incredible. We had some friends in our church graciously offer to pay for our flights and send us first class, which was so relaxing! We enjoyed the luxurious first class lounges where we were able to rest, eat wonderful food, and even enjoy amazing amenities like a private bathroom with a shower and jetted tub! Our lives have been so busy during this summer season with the band playing at various camps, and I remember thinking the night before we left as I worked to finish tying up all of the loose ends that if only I had at least one day to relax before getting the boys. Well, God answered my prayer! This was exactly what Stephen and I needed, and we are so thankful to have had that time!

We arrived in Ethiopia on Monday evening so we went straight to our guesthouse for a good night's sleep before getting the boys in the morning. We were so happy to see our driver, Yitbarek, whom the boys love so much. He hadn't been the one to pick us up from the airport the night before, and he told us that next morning as we all sipped on some amazing coffee that he had actually quit driving for our agency because they didn't pay him enough. But he said that someone came to him and told him that Esrael and Surafel's parents are back to get them and that we had asked where he was so he agreed to drive again. And the agency gave him a raise to do so! I'm so thankful because our boys treated him like an uncle, and it was so special to have him with us all week. As we drove to the care center that morning Stephen and I could hardly sit still from our excitement of seeing the boys again. We kept saying, "I wonder if they'll be happy to see us? Or maybe they'll understand that they get to come with us this time? Or maybe they'll be scared? Or maybe..."

When we walked inside, one of the nannies directed us to the stairs and as we started to climb it we saw the boys at the top. They both exclaimed "Ah!" when they saw us, and Jude Surafel (4 1/2) literally jumped half way down the stairs into my arms! I hugged him tightly as I kept saying "I love you! I missed you!". Stephen hugged Liam Esrael (3) too, and then we went upstairs to the couches to sit together. We spent about an hour at the care center, playing with all the children and enjoying the coffee that several of the nannies made for us. We passed out little snacks to the kids and roses that we had bought that morning to all of the nannies. When it was time to leave, the boys' nanny, Werkenesh, came forward crying, and kept hugging me and the boys saying, "I love you! I love you!". It was so heart-breaking to have to leave. This woman was truly like a mother to my boys while they were at the care center, and I am forever in her debt for the love that she gave them. Right before we drove away, she came forward again with a picture of herself that she slipped through the window to me. I told her we would not forget her, and that I would send pictures of the boys to her. Seriously, this was so hard to leave her!

We stayed for four days in Ethiopia, and our time there with the boys was absolutely wonderful! The first day they were with us we spent mostly at our guesthouse. The boys were constantly exclaiming "Mommy! Daddy!" literally every 5 minutes or so. We played with the toys we brought, ordered some yummy food in, and gave the boys a bubble bath. When we first drew up the bath it became apparent that the boys had never had a normal bath before. I knew they didn't have a traditional tub at the care center, but still it didn't register to me that this would be a new experience for them until I saw how cautious they were to get in the tub. When they finally let us put them in, they sat down and we scooped up some of the bubble and put it on their heads. They laughed and laughed at that and within a couple of minutes they were splashing and screaming with excitement. Each evening, bath time was what they looked forward to and they spent probably 45 minutes in there each time. One of the evenings, the hot water ran out quickly but the boys were having so much fun they didn't want to get out. When they finally did, they were shivering because our room was so cold. (It had been 60 degrees that day, and our room had no A/C or heat). So I put them on the bed and pulled out my hair dryer. You should have seen the look on their faces! I think they must have thought it was a weapon or something because they looked terrified! After I showed them how the warm air blew out, they both held out their hands and feet for me to warm up with big smiles on their faces.

I was absolutely shocked when the boys went to bed at 8:30 that night and didn't wake up until 7:45 the next morning! I thought for sure they must have just been exhausted and probably wouldn't sleep that well for us in the future. But each day they took a 2-3 hour nap and still slept 10-12 hours each night. Only for one of the nights, Jude Surafel woke up briefly and said, "Daddy?" but went right back to sleep when Stephen rubbed him on his back. This is such a huge blessing that they sleep well, especially since there will be plenty to adjust to and being rested will make it that much easier.

On the last day, we took the boys to eat at a nearby restaurant for lunch so we decided to just walk there. As we walked down the street, several children begged for us to give them food, and a woman with a baby on her back pleaded with us to give her money. I seriously cried each time we would go out because there are literally starving people everywhere, dressed in rags, no shoes, and frighteningly skinny. We kept little snacks in Stephen's backpack to pass out each time we would go somewhere, and occasionally would give out money but we had to be so careful because if others would see money in our hands they would swarm us. I had wondered if it was going to bother the boys to see other children begging. I watched in fascination one day as we were stopped at a light with the window open. Several small kids and women came to the window asking for food or money, and Surafel spoke to them for a minute in Amharic and then reached into his pocket and took out the Ethiopian coins that daddy had given to him the day before. (He had seen them in Stephen's hand and was so proud when Stephen let him have them) He bent forward and placed them in their hands and then looked back at us before laying his head on Stephen's shoulder. I cannot express to you the feeling of both pride in my little boy and anguish over the poverty I was witnessing. It is moments like these that I will most certainly never forget. After lunch that day, we decided to make a quick stop at the Kaldi's coffee shop that was around the corner from our guesthouse. As we were going there, a very young girl with a baby on her back approached and asked in broken English for some food. We asked her to join us, and as we sat at the table she explained to us (with the help of a nice man sitting at the table next to us) that she had her baby when she was 13 years old. I fought to not burst into tears as she told me her story. So many of these young girls sell themselves so that their families will not starve. Then they get pregnant and become moms when they are still little girls themselves. This girl is only about 5 years old than our Kinsey. It is absolutely heart-breaking. We took the girl, whose name I could never pronounce correctly, to the grocery store and told her to pick out some groceries for her and her family. We watched as she timidly, at first, pointed to a bag of rice and then walked up and down the 4 or 5 aisles pointing to random things. I was not about to stop her. After we finished up there, we went outside and talked for a bit, sharing about God's love for her, and then she hugged and kissed us saying, "God bless you!". I didn't promise lightly when I told her we would be praying for her. I'm so thankful to have been able to experience these type of opportunities. I know God uses it to help kill the selfishness in me. When I think of this young girl, all of the materialistic desires that I have here at home start to fade. I pray that God would continue to change my heart to care more for the things that matter and less for the things that will be of no consequence in the end.

The boys and I took a long nap that last afternoon while Stephen went with Yitbarek to buy some souvenirs and coffee beans. Our flight was at 11 pm that evening (all flights out of Ethiopia are in the evening) so we knew we would need our rest. We woke up in time to go with Yitbarek to a really cool traditional Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. It was amazing! They had a stage at the front with a traditional band, and six dancers that would perform various dances in different costumes. At one point the dancers came off stage to dance with people at the tables, and Stephen was selected to stand up and dance with them. It was hilarious to watch as Stephen mimicked their unique moves. I'm happy to say that I got it on video and pictures too, although Stephen was embarrassed when he asked me not to put the video on facebook. Ha! It's funny to see him embarrassed because it doesn't happen often! :) The food was brought out on a large platter and set on the small round grass-woven table in front of us. The injera, or flatbread, covered the bottom and various scoops of saucy meats and lentils as well as boiled eggs were placed all over it. It was so good! Seriously, I really really enjoyed it. Yitbarek helped the boys eat, and we all laughed at some of the silly costumes that the dancers wore. At one point they dressed up as some sort of animal with tails attached that they kept shaking. :)

When we arrived at the airport, Yitbarek spent some time saying goodbye to the boys. I know it was hard for him since he was so affectionate with the boys, and I honestly don't think they realized that this was likely the last time that they would see him. As excited as we were to be heading home, there was so much that we were grieving at the same time.

I'll write more about our trip home and how we are doing now that we are home tomorrow. As you can imagine, there isn't a lot of time for blogging with four kids running around! :) I'm so thankful that they all go to bed at a normal time so that, at least so far, I still have a few hours in the evening to relax. Let's hope that lasts! :)