A little confession

Here's my little confession for the day.  I miss home.  Like, I really really miss my family lately.  I think part of it is because we have our sweet little boys here now, and I so wish we were able to be closer to family for everyone to spend quality time together.  I think about how wonderful it was for my girls to have my parents and sisters be such a part of their daily lives, and how that's just not the case anymore and it hurts my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm not incredibly happy here in Saint Louis.  I love this city.  I love our church, our neighborhood, our wonderful friends here.  And I think about how many times God has confirmed to us that this is exactly where we are suppose to be right now, and I'm filled with joy in knowing that we are here for a purpose and to be used by him, as well as to grow in Him.

Perhaps part of it is that this coming season is so nostalgic for me.  I love the cooler weather, the turning leaves, the fall festivities. Whenever the cooler weather first hits, it always reminds me of a certain memory of when Kinsey was two, and my mom and I would take her, all dressed up in her new fall clothes, to her weekly gymboree music class.  It was such a special season for us.

Anyway, I know I'm just rambling, but for some reason I really wanted to write it down.  I love my family.  I love my home.  And while Austin is always going to feel like home to me, I'm also so grateful for where we are now and how incredibly blessed we are.  It's so comforting to know that God is the one leading us, and we just have to be faithful to follow!

The Miller 6- A new "normal"

The funny thing about life is that it never quite goes as planned. There are always bumps in the road and twists and turns that you didn't expect. With our adoption process we didn't even quite know what to expect. I mean, there are so many unknowns about what life is going to be like once you bring your children home. You can daydream all day long about what you hope it will be like, but the fact of the matter is that there are dozen of different factors that will contribute to what it actually turns out to be like. We have so many friends that have adopted or are going through the adoption process, and really the one thing that we all have in common is that each story is different. Different children, different ages, different countries, different challenges. But the same joy.

Here we are two months after we brought Jude Surafel and Liam Esrael home. I can tell you that what I thought would be a challenge for us has not been, and what I didn't think would be an issue has been. It's funny how that works. We were prepared to bring home two little boys that probably wouldn't eat well, sleep well, play well, or honestly adjust well to a completely new life. At least not at first, right? I mean, if this were happening to me I'd probably be throwing tantrums constantly and freaking out over how much change I was being forced to face all at one time. We read the books that shed light on all of the different possible problems we could encounter, particularly with adopting toddlers that are too young to fully understand what is going on but old enough to be distressed about the many different changes they are going through. We were prepared to deal whatever crazy stuff came our way.

We've definitely been dealing with our fair share of difficulties which I'll mention later, but as far as Jude and Liam are concerned, I've never been so amazed. These kids are resilient to say the least. There are times that I will just stand back and watch in awe as they truly thrive in their new environment. Life is filled with so many precious and often times funny moments. Like how each time Liam will discover a new toy (which is like every 5 minutes) he will exclaim to his brother, "Jude Afafen! Look! Fun! Fun!" Or how no matter what I tell the boys we are going to do, they get excited about it.

Me: "Time to go in the car."

Them: "Yay! Go in car!"

Me: "Come on kids. Time to eat."

Them: "Yay! Come eat! Come eat!"

Me: "Bubble bath time."

Them: "Bubbles! Bubbles! Come on!!"

I also love how Jude really likes to understand what to expect each day and tries to communicate it to me. It goes something like this. (Excitedly) "Mommy? Wake up, eat eggies, clothes, swing, eat banana, tv, sleep, eat, bubbles, books, sleep!" Haha

When it comes to disciplining them, it usually doesn't take much to correct the behavior. Yesterday as we walked through our neighborhood after dropping Keira off for Kindergarten, Jude happily skipped down the sidewalk ahead of me. When he started to get a little too far, I called to him to stop and wait for Liam and me to catch up. He thought for a moment, put his hand over his mouth while giggling, and then turned and kept going full pace until he was out of my sight. Luckily we were already close to our house, but still I knew he had to understand the importance of following the rules especially when we were outside and near the street. I sat him on his bed when we got home and calmly told him in simple words that he could understand that since he didn't stop when I said stop, he had to sit in his room instead of eating his snack right away (A banana, as usual. They act like it's desert or something! haha) He nodded and then cried for a few minutes before I let him join his brother for snack time. What I thought was so interesting is that today he was very careful to not get more than 10 or 15 feet in front of me while we walked to the school. He would skip for a bit and then turn around and look at me as if to say, "Is this ok?" When I would nod, he would continue on for a bit before checking again to make sure he wasn't too far. He really is such a great kid! :)

While I am quite surprised and thankful for how well the boys seem to be adjusting here, I'm certainly not trying to sugar-coat this or make adoption look like an effortless journey that contains no hardship or heartache. Believe me, it contains both. There is plenty of heartache as you navigate through the adoption process, as you wonder where your child is and what he is doing, as you see the faces of many children in need of families, as you pray and hope and wait to bring your child home. And there is plenty of heartache once you bring them home and you spend yourself to the point of exhaustion as you help these children to heal from some of their past trauma. You will shed tears as you see evidence of the pain they have been through. When a misunderstood statement about Stephen going on an airplane leaves them crying and thinking they are going back to Ethiopia. When they get so extremely happy at meal time and it makes you wonder how many meals they missed before coming home. When you look at the one picture you were given of their birth mom who was obviously crying, and you think about the awful reality that millions of children are left without parents to care for them because of disease and extreme poverty. Yes folks, there is still plenty of heartache when it comes to adoption even for the families whose child or children seem to be adjusting pretty well. It is costly. There are days that you will spend every ounce of energy you have and then some to meet your children's physical, emotional, and mental needs. There are days that you will want to cry from being so emotionally drained and yet so happy at the same time. You may literally question your sanity that you can feel so empty yet so full, so heartbroken yet so overjoyed, so confused yet so at peace. God is a good God. He is faithful to care for us as we make our way through this messy thing called life. That is what's so incredible about this adoption process for us. It has been such a picture of the Lord's faithfulness in our lives. I love that I can see him walking with us, hand in hand, each step of the way. He is the one doing this, not us, and that is a very reassuring thought! :)

While our family has had to deal with some health issues, which I'll talk about next, I think we've had it easier than many other families when it comes to the kids adjusting to their new life. I've heard so many stories about other families dealing with attachment issues, behavioral issues, eating and sleeping problems and so forth and sometimes I wonder why the boys aren't exhibiting some of these things too. While we're only a couple of months into it and new things can surface at any time, I honestly think that one of the reasons the boys seem to be doing so well here has to do with the care center that they were in. Like other adopted children, our boys have faced abandonment. They've missed meals. They've been without a mommy and daddy to hold them and play with them and teach them and feed them and tuck them into bed and say prayers at night. But I witnessed the level of care and attention that they received at their care center. I saw the bond that they had with their nanny. I watched as they played with her and she tickled them and made them laugh and kissed their cheeks. I listened as she would excitedly point to us and tell the boys, "Kiss mommy! Kiss daddy! Hug...Say... I love you!" I truly believe that one of the main reasons why our boys have bonded so well with us and have come into this new life full of excitement and happiness is because of the love and sense of security that this woman gave to our boys. For her to be there not only to love on them while they waited to come home, but for her to encourage them that it will be ok when they leave with us. That we will love them and be good to them. That they will be happy. I truly love this woman for what she has done for Jude and Liam. She was like a mother to them when they had none. Thank you, Lord, for putting this woman in their lives!

As I said, though, each adoptive family has a unique set of challenges to face. Our main one for sure has been health related. You see, a few weeks after bringing the boys home, Jude got pretty sick very suddenly. He had a fever and his face started swelling very quickly and significantly. My mind was racing. Let's see, we just brought him home from Africa so this could be... just about anything. I worried for his well-being and prayed that it wouldn't be anything very serious or damaging. After several days in the hospital and a tons and tons of testing, we were finally told that he had contracted the mumps a few days before we picked him up in Ethiopia. In some ways, we were relieved to hear this because the mumps is a relatively harmless virus that passes quickly. However, we were confused to find this out given that you actually contract the mumps 12-25 days before you show any symptoms so his doctor told us he had to have contracted it 2-3 days before we arrived in Ethiopia to pick them up. Remember, this is a child that remained within the walls of a little care center, and there have been no cases of mumps there. We were, however, notified that he received immunizations for all 5 years that he had missed the week before we picked him up. Why they would give a malnourished underweight child five years worth of vaccines at one time is beyond me. I was actually quite horrified to find that out, and even Jude's doctor said that he probably got the mumps from the vaccine. I'm just glad that it was the mumps and not one of the more serious diseases! Anyway, all that to say, because the mumps can take up to 25 days before manifesting symptoms, we've had to remain at home until more recently. The girls even missed the first couple of weeks of school because we needed to be sure that they hadn't gotten it before going to school. But PRAISE THE LORD we are back to normal now!! :)

So we're back to "normal" life as they call it, which is still far from normal. My daily routine includes not only all of the normal stuff for a family with young children, but also some things that are quite unique. Like snuggling on the couch with my two kids from Africa as I try to teach them new words in English. Like trying to explain for the 10th time why, yes, you are going to fall into the toilet if you try to sit on it without the seat down. Like trying to capture pictures of your 5-year-old and 3-year-old riding bikes for the first time, having a birthday party for the first time, or eating a pb&j sandwich for the first time. (They thought a pb&j sandwich was so strange and funny the first time I made it for them! haha)

Life is good. It's not normal, but I wouldn't change one tiny little thing about it. I still can't believe that God allowed us to adopt these two little boys. Like we really got to bring them home. They're really ours forever. We're two months into forever, and I've got to say, it feels pretty good! :)

Our first week home

Arriving in St Louis with the boys was so exciting. We were so glad to have finished traveling, and we were anxious to introduce the boys to our girls and my mom, who was staying at our house with the girls while we were gone. One of the biggest things that Stephen and I had been praying about was the chemistry between the boys and the girls. We really prayed that they would not only get along well but that they would really love each other!

We made our way to the pick-up area at the airport and watched in fascination as we opened the doors to the car and the kids all started giggling and hugging each other. It was so incredibly beautiful! Jude climbed in the back seat with Keira, and she excitedly showed him how to buckle his new booster seat which he actually enjoyed doing. Kinsey wanted to buckle Liam into his carseat next to her, and they played peek-a-boo and giggled together for a good while. It was so precious to hear the boys try to say the girls names which ended up being, "Kiss-ey! Kiss-ey!" and "Ke-a! Ke-a!" :)

The car ride to our house was loud with laughter. The girls kept trying to get the boys to repeat random words in English which the boys happily went along with. When we got home we spent the first few minutes on the front porch as all four kids sat on the porch swing together. The picture I took of this is definitely one of my favorites so far. Then we went inside and the girls excitedly showed the boys every inch of the house. We ended up in the boys' room and spent a good bit of time showing them all of their toys and clothes. Liam just looked at everything with wide eyes and occasionally would smile or giggle at something, but Jude kept exclaiming, "Wow! Wow!" with each new thing.

One of our good friends from our church brought dinner that evening, and the boys ate good amount of chicken and rice before heading upstairs for a bubble bath which they thoroughly enjoyed. Stephen and I took turns rocking the boys in the glider in their room at bedtime before laying down with them. They cried off and on for a few minutes as we rubbed their backs and sang to them but fell asleep quickly.

Our first week home was filled with lots of excitement. Each day the boys would say new words and try new things. They played very well with their sisters, sharing everything they saw. They also bonded really quickly with my mom and were always calling, "Gigi!" which is what the kids call her. :)

Unfortunately, Stephen had to leave after a few days because the band still had two weeks of camps left. He was going to the first one by himself, coming home for the weekend, and then we were all going to go to the last one together that way we did have to be away from daddy for two weeks. :) I was concerned that the boys would be really upset while he was gone, but they didn't cry at all. Occasionally, we would look at pictures of him and they would point and say excitedly, "Daddy! Daddy!" I wanted so badly to explain to them that he would be back in just a few days. When the guys did return, the boys were really excited and Stephen spent the whole evening chasing the kids around the house and being silly.

The main challenge we saw the first week was with us establishing authority with them. They were super sweet and happy the majority of the time, but during the times that we would have to tell them no about something they would get really upset and cry. Often they would try to get it anyway, and we would take them upstairs and sit down with them for a few minutes while they calmed down. But only took about five minutes for them to calm down, and then we would hug them and they would say, "I loooove you!" I was honestly really surprised at how quickly they would move on and be hugging and kissing us again. And each day we would see a significant amount of progress. Sometimes we would say no about something and they wouldn't even get upset. But other times it was the end of the world, at least for a few minutes. ;) All in all, though, it was a GREAT first week!

Coming home! Not so fast...

So a little more time has gone by since my last post than I had planned. Go figure! :) I found that while I do enjoy blogging, I've been reluctant to use the few hours each evening after we put the kids to bed to blog. There's just so many other things that I can't really do with the kids awake so most of the time when I plan to blog it doesn't happen. But I think if I designate one evening a week to writing I'll stay fairly caught up. I'm finding that these days things always work best when it's planned out and scheduled in advance! :)

As I mentioned in my last blog, all flights out of Ethiopia are late in the evening so our flight left at 11 pm. We were prepared for a rough trip home, knowing that the boys would likely be sleep-deprived and cranky. (Not to mention we would be sleep-deprived!) However, we had no idea what was in store for us. Let me just put it this way. I think that this was one of the hardest two days of my life, and that is not an exaggeration.

As we walked into the airport, the boys were so excited to get on the plane. They pulled their little blue and red suitcases and kept exclaiming, "Aeroplan! Aeroplan!" But as we walked through the front door we immediately noticed a very long line for security. Within a couple of minutes Liam was saying, "Mommy? Toilet!" which is how the boys let us know they need to use the restroom. So I left Stephen and Jude Surafel with the luggage and asked the security officer if I could take Liam through security to use the restroom. Thankfully, it was ok, but when we finished he decided that he did NOT want me to take him back. Instead he wanted to run aimlessly around and try to stay out of my reach. I knew that the boys had had very little exposure to busy places so they had absolutely no concept that getting lost would be dangerous. I could also see that despite the fact that we had taken a long nap that afternoon, Liam was already very tired. As I caught him by the hand and picked him up, he started screaming hysterically. I mean, you would think that this child was being hurt or something because it sounded awful! I held him tightly as he tried to get free, and walked as calmly as possible back over to Stephen.

Every eye in the airport was on us, and I remember thinking to myself, "Yes go ahead and look. There's no way that you could possibly understand what's going on right now." It was only the beginning. We made our way through the check-in and immigration with Jude Surafel on Stephen's shoulders and Liam Esrael still hysterical. He cried and cried that I would not let him down, and I knew that sleeping was the only thing that was going to help him at that point. Still, it was hard to carry a screaming child through the airport for over an hour. And I hated that it probably looked like he didn't want to come with us to all of the people that kept staring at us. But I didn't expect anyone to saying something to us so I was a little caught off guard when an Ethiopian man walked over and said loudly, "Where is his mother??" Stephen turned around and took Liam from my arms as I said, "Um, I'm sorry? We are his parents." But that only agitated the man, and he started yelling, "Where is his REAL mother? He wants his REAL mother!" At that point one of the women that worked at our gate came over and said to him, "Sir, these are their adoptive parents and it's normal for children to cry before flying." We literally had to walk away because he wouldn't stop shouting, "He's crying for his REAL mother! That's who he wants!" Talk about ignorant. There are 5.5 million orphans in Ethiopia and starving people everywhere you turn, and he's assuming that the boys' "real" mother is even alive?? Up until this point we had been pleasantly surprised by how kind and gracious the Ethiopian people in general had been to us about adopting the boys so I was truly shocked to have been treated this way by that man.

Thankfully we were able to board a few minutes later. We had the four seats in the middle row, so Stephen and I sat on the outside and put the boys on the inside. Liam calmed down and both boys enjoyed playing with the tvs on the seats in front of them for awhile. But Liam started crying once again when he had to buckle his seat belt. This was another new concept for him because there were no seat belts in the car we rode in all week. I remember looking over at Stephen after he finally fell asleep and said, "Well, at least it can't really get any worse unless our plane crashes, right?" What a naive thing to say! ;)

Our first of two lay-overs was in Frankfurt which meant our first flight was only about 5 hours long, and the second one would be the longer one of about 9 hours. So I fully anticipated both of the boys to be exhausted when we got to Germany, but we figured it would be ok since we only had a one hour layover before heading to Chicago. Stephen and I had only slept a few hours on the first flight, so the plan was to just make it until the second one and we could all sleep then. Liam was right on cue when we stepped off the plane with his crying. This time Jude was also uncooperative, and Stephen had to carry him. Both boys would cry for a bit, then yawn and look around and cry some more. As if making a 25+ hour trip wasn't going to be hard enough for two little boys that were used to spending every day within the walls of the little care center, they were also getting very little sleep!

This would have been enough for me to have considered this a very hard trip, but it truly was only beginning. It quickly became clear to us that our connecting flight to Chicago had been canceled, and as we tried to go through immigrations to get to the desk to book a new one we were asked for the boys visas. This caused a huge problem because they were in a sealed envelope from the US embassy and we were told to not open it under any circumstances but to present it to US immigrations when we got to Chicago. This meant that I had to stay back with the boys while Stephen went through to try and get us a different flight. But by the time he got in line, he was the last of 300 other people who were also suppose to be on the flight to Chicago. I didn't think that a person could possibly have to stand in line for 4 hours just to book a flight, but that's how long Stephen had to.

When I realized Stephen had to leave me with both of the boys, who were at this point going through a wide range of emotions and behaviors from excited and trying to run away to angry and then back again to hysterical, I kept thinking, "Oh dear God, this is going to be insane. PLEASE let it go quickly and get us home, Lord!" I had become use to the stares from people each time one of the boys would freak out, but after a little while Jude just shut down completely (which is understandable for a 4-year-old that only got a few hours of sleep and was in a really scary environment for him). I had taken the boys to the restroom after already waiting for Stephen to return for several hours and as we tried to make our way through the busy pathway back to the table at McDonalds (the only place where we could at least sit down and look out the window at the planes) he just stopped walking. I gently tugged at his hand and said, "Come Surafel. Please. Lets go see the planes again." But instead of going with me, he sat down. Right there. In the the middle of a busy walk way. I knelt down with Liam still in my arms, and tried to coax Jude into standing back up, but he just stared at the ground, completely unresponsive, as if to say, "I've had enough of this." Liam had also had enough, but he displayed it in a much, um, louder way. He screamed and threw himself all around, occasionally trying to bite my shoulder in an effort to get free. I mean you really couldn't get a worse situation. One of my kids was about to get stepped on by the swarms of people walking back and forth and the other was trying his best to just run away. I had one in each hand, but I couldn't move. I was on the verge of completely bursting into tears. I got down in front of Jude with tears in my eyes and said, "Jude, look. Mommy is crying. Please. Come one." He looked at me and then looked down again. And that's when I started praying, "God, I can't handle this by myself. Please help me somehow!"

It was probably less than a minute before a woman that was walking by stopped to talk to me. As I looked up at her she said to me, "You know, if you smacked them around a bit more they would listen to you better." Um, not exactly what I needed right then. She then proceeded to say, "Here, I'll do it for you." and as she grabbed one of Jude's wrists and yanked on him she told him sternly, "Get up! Get up!" I was absolutely shocked, and I don't even know what I would have done if another woman hadn't intervened at that time. I mean, I think I'm a reasonably patient person, but when I'm sleep deprived and trying to get my very tired, frightened, and over-stimulated adopted children home I have no patience for ignorant rude people that put their hands on my kids. God's timing was perfect because I very well may have laid a hand on her too. Just being honest. :)

Here's where my prayer was answered. At that precise moment, another woman walked up and said to the first lady, "You know, I think she's ok. We can handle it from here." and thankfully the rude woman left. I proceeded to cry as this woman, whose name is Natalie, kindly asked me questions about the boys, and told me that she was returning from a missions trip to Africa. It didn't take long before discovering that she was from Austin, TX, my hometown. And she goes to a church that is merging with The Austin Stone, the church that Stephen and I attended before moving to St Louis. She had a long layover and stayed with me for over an hour, helping me keep the boys occupied and fairly happy. When Stephen finally returned I told him everything. We were all such an emotional mess by this time. Stephen and I didn't fight at all, but we both shed plenty of tears. I was SO exhausted already and we were stuck in Frankfurt. Stephen told me about how he cried too when he finally got through the line just to be told that there were NO AVAILABLE FLIGHTS for that day and that since we couldn't go through immigrations with the boys we would have to sleep in the airport. Um, right like that was going to happen. Even the police in the airport said it was impossible to get a temporary visa for the boys so that we could got to a hotel, but they graciously offered to let us sleep on the floor of that room. Ha! Just when we thought we could take no more, we were told that there was one flight that had 4 seats left headed for New Jersey in 5 hours. That's it! Surely our problems were over now, right! Right?

Not yet. We were able to go to the gate where that flight would be departing, but Stephen was told that he would again have to go across the airport to "check-in" since this was a flight transfer. Dread was what I felt when I learned that I was again going to be without him. I'll make this part shorter by simply saying that they gave him the run-around for several more hours by telling him to go here and there until right before the flight boarded. The flight attendant at our gate called our name over the loud speaker, and when I anxiously made my way up there she asked quite rudely, "Why haven't you checked in?" I told her that my husband was trying to do so and she asked, "Where is your husband?? You're not getting on this flight without checking in." Thank goodness he walked up, or rather ran up, right then. All I could say was, "Stephen, really?" before again starting to cry. The woman asked Stephen why I was crying, and after explaining everything, they took our bags and let us board. THANK YOU LORD GOD!! All four of us fell asleep immediately after take-off and slept until touch-down.

We arrived in New Jersey that evening around 9 pm, got a taxi, and went to the nearest available hotel for the night because, well, we can do that kind of thing in the United States. Ha! All of us again slept all night, even after sleeping on the plane, and ate a great breakfast at the hotel the next morning. The boys were back to normal after sleeping well, and they ate a ton for breakfast. Jude looked amazed at the buffet. I don't think he had ever seen that much food at one time before.

This time while we waited for our plane to board, the boys sat happily with us in the waiting area, eating some snacks, and talking to my family on the phone for the first time. Stephen taught them to say, "Howdy, howdy, howdy!" They thought that was hilarious, and Jude kept repeating that and "I loooove you!" on the phone. Liam walked around showing everyone around us his snacks and his little toy car, and making lots of new "friends". He has a very outgoing personality, and likes to interact with anyone that will pay attention to him. :)

The 2 hour flight went very well, and the flight attendant was a kind older man that really enjoyed interacting with the boys. Since the flight was only half full, he stopped often to sit down and play games with the boys and make them laugh. My favorite part, though, was when we ordered the boys apple juice and it came with ice in it. We had not gotten ice in any of our drinks before because you're not suppose to drink the water in Ethiopia, and it became clear that the boys didn't know what it was. Jude would say, "Mommy! Mommy!" and put a cube in his mouth for a second and then take it out and point and say, "Ah!" to show me that it was cold. He thought that was hilarious!

We were so glad when we landed in St Louis! It felt amazing to be home, and as we walked through the airport with a kid on each of our shoulders, Stephen and I had the biggest smiles on our faces. The process of getting home was a complete nightmare, but we had made it! We were finally home!

Bringing our boys home: Part 1

So it's been a few days since we arrived home with our boys. What a journey it's been!

Being in Ethiopia was so wonderful. The weather was cool (60s and 70s) since it's the rainy season there, and luckily it only rained for an hour or two each day so we were still able to go out and do things. We wanted to really experience Ethiopia this time since we know it will likely be quite a while before we are able to visit again.

The flight over was absolutely incredible. We had some friends in our church graciously offer to pay for our flights and send us first class, which was so relaxing! We enjoyed the luxurious first class lounges where we were able to rest, eat wonderful food, and even enjoy amazing amenities like a private bathroom with a shower and jetted tub! Our lives have been so busy during this summer season with the band playing at various camps, and I remember thinking the night before we left as I worked to finish tying up all of the loose ends that if only I had at least one day to relax before getting the boys. Well, God answered my prayer! This was exactly what Stephen and I needed, and we are so thankful to have had that time!

We arrived in Ethiopia on Monday evening so we went straight to our guesthouse for a good night's sleep before getting the boys in the morning. We were so happy to see our driver, Yitbarek, whom the boys love so much. He hadn't been the one to pick us up from the airport the night before, and he told us that next morning as we all sipped on some amazing coffee that he had actually quit driving for our agency because they didn't pay him enough. But he said that someone came to him and told him that Esrael and Surafel's parents are back to get them and that we had asked where he was so he agreed to drive again. And the agency gave him a raise to do so! I'm so thankful because our boys treated him like an uncle, and it was so special to have him with us all week. As we drove to the care center that morning Stephen and I could hardly sit still from our excitement of seeing the boys again. We kept saying, "I wonder if they'll be happy to see us? Or maybe they'll understand that they get to come with us this time? Or maybe they'll be scared? Or maybe..."

When we walked inside, one of the nannies directed us to the stairs and as we started to climb it we saw the boys at the top. They both exclaimed "Ah!" when they saw us, and Jude Surafel (4 1/2) literally jumped half way down the stairs into my arms! I hugged him tightly as I kept saying "I love you! I missed you!". Stephen hugged Liam Esrael (3) too, and then we went upstairs to the couches to sit together. We spent about an hour at the care center, playing with all the children and enjoying the coffee that several of the nannies made for us. We passed out little snacks to the kids and roses that we had bought that morning to all of the nannies. When it was time to leave, the boys' nanny, Werkenesh, came forward crying, and kept hugging me and the boys saying, "I love you! I love you!". It was so heart-breaking to have to leave. This woman was truly like a mother to my boys while they were at the care center, and I am forever in her debt for the love that she gave them. Right before we drove away, she came forward again with a picture of herself that she slipped through the window to me. I told her we would not forget her, and that I would send pictures of the boys to her. Seriously, this was so hard to leave her!

We stayed for four days in Ethiopia, and our time there with the boys was absolutely wonderful! The first day they were with us we spent mostly at our guesthouse. The boys were constantly exclaiming "Mommy! Daddy!" literally every 5 minutes or so. We played with the toys we brought, ordered some yummy food in, and gave the boys a bubble bath. When we first drew up the bath it became apparent that the boys had never had a normal bath before. I knew they didn't have a traditional tub at the care center, but still it didn't register to me that this would be a new experience for them until I saw how cautious they were to get in the tub. When they finally let us put them in, they sat down and we scooped up some of the bubble and put it on their heads. They laughed and laughed at that and within a couple of minutes they were splashing and screaming with excitement. Each evening, bath time was what they looked forward to and they spent probably 45 minutes in there each time. One of the evenings, the hot water ran out quickly but the boys were having so much fun they didn't want to get out. When they finally did, they were shivering because our room was so cold. (It had been 60 degrees that day, and our room had no A/C or heat). So I put them on the bed and pulled out my hair dryer. You should have seen the look on their faces! I think they must have thought it was a weapon or something because they looked terrified! After I showed them how the warm air blew out, they both held out their hands and feet for me to warm up with big smiles on their faces.

I was absolutely shocked when the boys went to bed at 8:30 that night and didn't wake up until 7:45 the next morning! I thought for sure they must have just been exhausted and probably wouldn't sleep that well for us in the future. But each day they took a 2-3 hour nap and still slept 10-12 hours each night. Only for one of the nights, Jude Surafel woke up briefly and said, "Daddy?" but went right back to sleep when Stephen rubbed him on his back. This is such a huge blessing that they sleep well, especially since there will be plenty to adjust to and being rested will make it that much easier.

On the last day, we took the boys to eat at a nearby restaurant for lunch so we decided to just walk there. As we walked down the street, several children begged for us to give them food, and a woman with a baby on her back pleaded with us to give her money. I seriously cried each time we would go out because there are literally starving people everywhere, dressed in rags, no shoes, and frighteningly skinny. We kept little snacks in Stephen's backpack to pass out each time we would go somewhere, and occasionally would give out money but we had to be so careful because if others would see money in our hands they would swarm us. I had wondered if it was going to bother the boys to see other children begging. I watched in fascination one day as we were stopped at a light with the window open. Several small kids and women came to the window asking for food or money, and Surafel spoke to them for a minute in Amharic and then reached into his pocket and took out the Ethiopian coins that daddy had given to him the day before. (He had seen them in Stephen's hand and was so proud when Stephen let him have them) He bent forward and placed them in their hands and then looked back at us before laying his head on Stephen's shoulder. I cannot express to you the feeling of both pride in my little boy and anguish over the poverty I was witnessing. It is moments like these that I will most certainly never forget. After lunch that day, we decided to make a quick stop at the Kaldi's coffee shop that was around the corner from our guesthouse. As we were going there, a very young girl with a baby on her back approached and asked in broken English for some food. We asked her to join us, and as we sat at the table she explained to us (with the help of a nice man sitting at the table next to us) that she had her baby when she was 13 years old. I fought to not burst into tears as she told me her story. So many of these young girls sell themselves so that their families will not starve. Then they get pregnant and become moms when they are still little girls themselves. This girl is only about 5 years old than our Kinsey. It is absolutely heart-breaking. We took the girl, whose name I could never pronounce correctly, to the grocery store and told her to pick out some groceries for her and her family. We watched as she timidly, at first, pointed to a bag of rice and then walked up and down the 4 or 5 aisles pointing to random things. I was not about to stop her. After we finished up there, we went outside and talked for a bit, sharing about God's love for her, and then she hugged and kissed us saying, "God bless you!". I didn't promise lightly when I told her we would be praying for her. I'm so thankful to have been able to experience these type of opportunities. I know God uses it to help kill the selfishness in me. When I think of this young girl, all of the materialistic desires that I have here at home start to fade. I pray that God would continue to change my heart to care more for the things that matter and less for the things that will be of no consequence in the end.

The boys and I took a long nap that last afternoon while Stephen went with Yitbarek to buy some souvenirs and coffee beans. Our flight was at 11 pm that evening (all flights out of Ethiopia are in the evening) so we knew we would need our rest. We woke up in time to go with Yitbarek to a really cool traditional Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. It was amazing! They had a stage at the front with a traditional band, and six dancers that would perform various dances in different costumes. At one point the dancers came off stage to dance with people at the tables, and Stephen was selected to stand up and dance with them. It was hilarious to watch as Stephen mimicked their unique moves. I'm happy to say that I got it on video and pictures too, although Stephen was embarrassed when he asked me not to put the video on facebook. Ha! It's funny to see him embarrassed because it doesn't happen often! :) The food was brought out on a large platter and set on the small round grass-woven table in front of us. The injera, or flatbread, covered the bottom and various scoops of saucy meats and lentils as well as boiled eggs were placed all over it. It was so good! Seriously, I really really enjoyed it. Yitbarek helped the boys eat, and we all laughed at some of the silly costumes that the dancers wore. At one point they dressed up as some sort of animal with tails attached that they kept shaking. :)

When we arrived at the airport, Yitbarek spent some time saying goodbye to the boys. I know it was hard for him since he was so affectionate with the boys, and I honestly don't think they realized that this was likely the last time that they would see him. As excited as we were to be heading home, there was so much that we were grieving at the same time.

I'll write more about our trip home and how we are doing now that we are home tomorrow. As you can imagine, there isn't a lot of time for blogging with four kids running around! :) I'm so thankful that they all go to bed at a normal time so that, at least so far, I still have a few hours in the evening to relax. Let's hope that lasts! :)

Ethiopia: 11 days and counting!

Life as we know it is about to change. In just over a week and a half, on July 3, we will be on a plane to Ethiopia to go get our little boys! I can't believe we're finally almost there. I can't believe we actually get to bring them home now.

The process to get here has been so incredible. Looking back, I can see how God has been in control over everything, both the good and the hard stuff. We've seen him preparing us throughout this process mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time we would look at the mountain ahead of us and start to falter we would see him gently step in and redirect our focus back to him. Going through something that is completely out of your control may seem scary, but I think it is one of the best things you can possibly do to grow your faith because it is in that time, when you simply can't control things, that you see God moving mountains. And going through those kind of situations actually gives you courage, not because you are doing anything by yourself, but because you see God in a more intimate and close way. You see his character, his tenderness, and his faithfulness.

I'm certainly not saying that we should all just go do crazy impulsive things, but I am saying that we shouldn't be afraid to let God lead us to do things that are bigger than ourselves and out of our control. That is where you will experience him on a deeper level. That's what he has been showing us.

Many people think that the hard part is almost over. We're almost done with the adoption process, and now we get to start our new life together. While we are absolutely thrilled about this, we know that the hard part is just beginning. We are bringing home two little boys that have experienced more grief and loss than many of us have as adults. They are malnourished, frightened, and speaking a completely different language than us. No, the hard part is just beginning. We are ready, though. Ready to show these precious boys that they have a family that loves them deeply. Ready to show them, day in and day out, that we will not leave them. Ready to show them that whether they are on their best behavior or throwing a tantrum, it will not affect our love for them. And most importantly, we're ready to show them the love that God has for them, that he would give Jesus to be a Savior for them just as he did for us.

My birthday is coming up in a few days, and I'll be turning 26 years old. It feels strange to be a mom to four kids by the time I turn 26! haha It certainly isn't the "normal" thing to do, and believe me I've experienced my fair share of sneers and judgmental comments. However, I don't regret becoming a mom so young, not for a moment. I'm certainly not the type that needed to "experience freedom" before settling down which is a common perspective for people my age. There are so many joys of being married and being a parent! I feel so blessed that I have my family. :)

So here we are, on the verge of something that will change our lives forever. We are excited to finally be bringing them home and confident that just as the Lord provided for us throughout the adoption process, he will continue to be faithful as we start our new life together. God is so good!!

Change

As we near the end of the school year I can't help but think about how everything is about to change for us. It's been such a great year! Kinsey finishes first grade in two weeks, and Keira finishes her last year of preschool. I can't believe how much my little girls have grown in just the last year.

This past year I've also taken care of a two-year-old little girl named McKenna. She is such a happy easy-going little girl, and it feels like she's part of the family. We're going to miss her quite a bit next year! When I first started watching her she was barely one year old. We literally watched her grow from a baby to a toddler. This morning as I was dropping the girls off at school she said in her baby voice, "Bye Kinsey! Bye Keira! Have... a.... day!" She is so sweet. :)

Stephen's job is also changing, both at the church and in his band. We are excited as he moves into a greater role in international missions among other things. This is something that we are both so passionate about and excited to work together on! As we move into the summer season, when the guys will travel for 5 weeks of camps, I can't help but think about what God is doing in the band. Not only is the dynamic changing with a new band member and new band girlfriends (which we're very excited about!) but we're also encouraged to see God continuing to mold and shape the band's vision to be more and more for mercy, justice, and compassion. Not that the band was ever about the guys just trying to be rock stars or anything like that, but you can just see God continuing to grow and mature the vision and the purpose of it. I'm so thankful for this group of people and the blessing that it's been to consider them family. :)

Certainly the biggest change to come is that we will be bringing home the boys in just a few short weeks! We won't know the exact date for our embassy meeting until a week or two before we travel so we still have at least one or two weeks before then. In some ways it makes it hard to plan since we don't know when we're going yet, but we have so much peace about it. God has been so faithful to guide our steps this far, and we know he will continue to see this through until completion. It's been so amazing to see him working in our lives along the way not only to provide for us but also to strengthen us and our marriage. I've heard quite a few comments from people about how they'd be afraid to adopt because it seems so hard, and I keep thinking, "You're missing out!" Truly it has been an incredible privilege for us. Not only do we get to bring home two precious little boys, but we've also gained courage and insight and perseverance, and our faith has been strengthened. Yes, it's very hard, but the best things in life always are. It is an experience that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world!

So this is a new season of change for us. We move forward confidently, knowing that God is guiding our steps and our hearts as we have continued to ask him to do so. Perfect love casts out all fear so we continue on boldly yet prayerfully with much thankfulness for the many many blessings that God has given us. It is only by his grace.