We are not called to adopt

* I know that it is hard to get a feel for the "tone" of a blog, but I'd like to say starting out that this is meant to be a humble, gentle, yet honest blog about how I feel. :)

As I've shared about our adoption with various people there's one particular comment that has stood out to me the most when I hear it. It's the "You must be called to adopt" comment. People often respond to our story with a comment like "That's so great. Yeah, you definitely are called to adopt." I honestly disagree.

I have a bit of a problem with that statement for several reasons. Although I definitely love children and view them as truly a blessing in my life, Stephen hasn't always wanted to have more than a couple of children. In fact, several years ago as we talked about the possibility of having more children Stephen was quite skeptical about the idea. But over the period of a couple of years, God truly changed his heart on the matter. I contribute this change to a few things.

First of all, I prayed quite consistently that God would bring us to a place where we held the same view of children. I actually really prayed for God to give him a love for children. And as we moved forward in our ministry, we continued to ask God what it would look like for us to "act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8) We wanted this to not only be the motto of our ministry and band but also for our personal lives. We were seeking to truly be living what we were preaching.

So as we had more opportunities to not only work with organizations that were helping orphans and children in poverty but also first hand experiences seeing children in need, it broke both of our hearts for the more than 150 million orphans all over the world. When you see with your own eyes and you hold these children in your arms, you can't help but be changed. Truly, your perspective of what is really important and what you want your goals and dreams to be changes in this light. So I don't think that we are "called" to adopt anymore than the next Christian out there. But when I look at the extreme need that these millions of children have, and I read in the Bible that it says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (James 1:27) I can't help but think that the practical way to live out my faith in this area is to adopt an orphan. I'm not saying it's wrong if you don't adopt. That's truly not what I'm saying. Rather it's that Christians should be open to the possibility of adopting rather than placing the need of millions of orphans on a select few that are "called".

If only certain people were "called" to adopt, then that would mean that God has only called certain orphans to be adopted. Is it that only certain people are "called" to adopt or that only certain people are willing to adopt? I know that is a hard statement, and I am not judging people that don't adopt or aren't in a place that they are able to adopt, but how can we say that only certain people are called to adopt when God says in his word for Christians to look after the widows and orphans? The translation for "look after" does not mean send money to, but literally to take care of with your own hands. There are multiple ways to get involved in taking care of children in need, and certainly one of the most practical and needed ways is to adopt. So yes, I have a deep love for children, and I view them, as the Bible instructs me to, as a joy, a blessing, and a privilege. They are our future! Invest in children, and you are investing in our future. Want a better world? Invest in children.

That being said, I'm scared at times just like everyone else. The thought of going from two to four children overnight is intimidating at times. Stephen and I are not superhero parents that are immune to facing the same challenges as every other parent out there. But we look at God's command to take care of orphans and can't help but feel that it applies to us. We are not adopting because we are superhero parents that want to have "tons" of kids. And we're also not adopting begrudgingly simply because we were "told" to. We are adopting because our love for God has fueled a love for the things he loves. And I know he loves orphans, and calls his people to take care of them. He cares for each and every one of them. I cannot forget the faces of the children I've held in my arms. I can't forget what it felt like to have to put them down and walk away. God doesn't want us to forget.

Our Boys

Wow! So much has happened since my last blog about our adoption!

We have excitedly and prayerfully been working to finish our homestudy. Usually a family has to complete their homestudy and submit their paperwork (dossier) overseas, and then they wait to be matched with a child that is in the age range/sex that they prefer. Our process has been very different for us.

For several months now, Stephen and I have been talking and praying about adopting two siblings instead of one. We have several reasons for this. First, we know that we want to have at least two more children, likely more. Also, we know that if we were to adopt one child now, we would want to adopt one more at a later time. We also feel (and have learned in our training courses) that adopting two siblings makes it much easier for each of the children to adjust to a new home than if they just came by themselves. And lastly, adopting two at the same time is only slightly higher in expenses whereas if we adopted two children one at a time the cost would be almost double. So we've been moving forward, praying about this possibility for our family.

Our adoption agency sends out newsletters every month or so with updates and also pictures of some of the children waiting to be adopted. Usually the pictures are of children that are either special needs or that are "hard to place" meaning that they are either older children or sibling groups since most people don't want to adopt these types of children.

For the past two newsletters, Stephen and I have seen a picture of two little brothers, ages 2 and 4 years old. They immediately jumped out at me when I saw them, but since all of these children are so precious I didn't really talk to Stephen about it. Then I saw them again in the most recent newsletter, and I showed Stephen. He looked at the picture, was quiet for a minute, and then said, "Okay, let's ask about these boys."

We wrote to our agency, thinking that they would say we weren't allowed to get any info on them until we completed our homestudy, which we were only half-way through at that time. To our surprise, they wrote back saying they would love to tell us more about them! Within an hour, we had the complete file on them with all of the info they had for them, and about 8 pictures. I cried as I read their story about how they ended up in the orphanage, and as I looked at the pictures of them. They are so precious.

Stephen and I prayed about it and decided that if we were able to adopt them, we would. We asked our agency what steps we needed to take in order to have an official referral (where they match you with a child or children). Again, to our surprise, they said that we could go ahead and accept their referral since they were on the "waiting list". They were on there because even though they are completely healthy, they aren't babies. Also, the agency wants them to be adopted together which makes it harder for them to find a family. Stephen and I were SO THRILLED to hear that we get to adopt them!

Our latest exciting news came this week when we were told that we are able to send them Christmas gifts and pictures of us so that they can begin to become familiar with us. They are going to be notified in the next week or two that they are being adopted. I can not wait until the day that we get to bring these precious boys home! Right now, our agency is estimating spring of next year, but it could be sooner.

Here are a couple of reasons that we have made the decisions that we did.

- We purposely chose to adopt boys because more people adopt girls than boys and there is a huge need for boys to be adopted in many countries, including Ethiopia.

- We chose the toddler/preschool age because more people want little babies than "older" children.

- And we chose a sibling group because most people only want one child, making it difficult for siblings to stay together.

This was the right choice for our family. Please continue to join us in praying for our little boys while we wait to bring them home and for our family as we continue to work through this difficult process. We also still have an overwhelming amount of expenses so if you would like to help, please see Stephen's website at www.stephen-miller.com.

Thanks guys!

Kinsey

My little girl is turning 7 years old in less than a week! I can't believe she's gotten so big already! It really does seem like time goes by extra fast when it comes to children.

Kinsey has been such a joy in our lives. She's such a thoughtful, caring, sensitive little girl. Even this past week while Stephen was in Haiti I could tell that she was trying to be extra sweet because she knew I missed him. Each night we would snuggle in bed and read a little bit of her favorite chapter book together. She even offered to give me a massage! :)

I'm more amazed each day at how bright she is! She loves to read, and lately has been writing her own books. Her latest one is about how she loves God. :) She also has been teaching Keira how to write. So much so that Keira can now write pretty much anything she wants. (with a little help for spelling) I think that's a pretty big accomplishment for an almost 7-year-old and a 4-year-old. She's such a good big sister!

Each night when we put her to bed Kinsey likes to help say prayers. She's so sincere when she prays, and many times I almost cry just hearing her. The one thing that she always includes is that she asks for Jesus to take care of "our baby brother" while he is still in Ethiopia. She makes sure to ask for him to have enough food to eat and a warm bed to sleep and that we would be able to bring him home soon. I think she is just as excited as Stephen and I about bringing our little boy home!

Kinsey is living proof that children are such a blessing, no matter how or when the come to us! We were so young when she was born, being only 18 and 20 years old. But regardless, she was not an accident! We definitely didn't plan to have kids that young, but God planned her. :) It was God's grace that he chose to give her to us. I am so thankful that this is the life God gave us. I wouldn't change a thing! :)

Happy Birthday Kinsey! Mommy and Daddy love you more than we can even say!

Self Worth

If there's one area of my life that I've grown the most in the past few years I think it probably has to be self-esteem. And the more women I meet, the more I see that I'm not the only one that either struggles with or has struggled in the past with low self-esteem. I've been pondering the significance of this issue lately and why it really is so important to address it.

The first and most obvious reason to me that low self-esteem is so damaging is that it literally affects everything that we do. It determines which opportunities we take and which ones we don't. And just as important as what we do, it drives our motives of why we are doing it. I'm sure many of us have learned from experience that doing the right thing for the wrong reason can be just as devastating as simply doing the wrong thing.

What I've seen in my life and from the stories of other women is that so often we make choices that we probably wouldn't have otherwise made in order to gain some sort of self-worth. We literally choose to do the things we do in order to feel better about ourselves... to gain self-worth. The problem is that when we make decisions in order to gain self-worth it is only a matter of time before that thing either lets us down or fizzles out. This is particularly damaging in ministry when we serve in order to feel better about ourselves. It's only a matter of time before we get burned out.

There are so many things that we, especially women, try to find our worth in. The obvious things are our jobs, our income, our possessions, our families, even our husbands. I love what our pastor's wife said last week regarding marriage. She said, "Ladies, your husband can't be God for you." What an incredibly true statement! Yet when we struggle with low self-esteem we are so often tempted to find our worth in the things we have or the people we love.

Why is it so important to deal with low self-esteem, though? Well, the obvious reason is that when we have a healthy God-centered view of ourselves we'll experience a lot more joy. When we're plagued with self-doubt we struggle to have joy and therefore peace as well.

One of the biggest signs, in my opinion, that a person has low self-esteem is jealousy. When you struggle to find your own self worth you are easily threatened by others that appear to have more joy than you. And they might be more attractive or have better circumstances or a better job or a nicer spouse or more well-behaved kids. This can be really devastating because if we don't address this issue then we can either become bitter towards others or we put on a front and try to fool people into thinking that we've got everything together. And who are we fooling? There's not a lot that is more obvious to others than when a person is bitter and trying to hide it. It comes out in everything they do and say.

So how do we deal with this issue of low self-esteem? The only way to truly gain a healthy view of yourself is by understanding the worth God has placed on you. It's not because you are so good or so smart or funny or good-looking or such a hard worker. And God sees all of our faults, our darkest moments, our selfish motives, and it doesn't affect his love for us. What amazing grace! God has uniquely designed and gifted each of us exactly the way we are suppose to be. And he did so for a purpose. When we find our worth in Christ, we find our purpose too!

A few years ago I was really struggling in this area. I knew God loved me, but I still felt like I needed to earn his love by making the right choices. That, perhaps, God would be really disappointed in me, maybe even love me less, if I didn't get everything perfect. I knew in my mind that it wasn't true, but I was going through life as though it was. I had it backwards. Instead of finding my worth in Christ which would lead me to a purpose for my life, I was trying to find my purpose and draw my worth out of that. My husband was such a blessing at that time to help me address those issues. Thank goodness he didn't just ignore the fact that I was hurting, but instead helped me to find healing. I can't tell you how much peace comes from finding my worth in God. The peace of knowing that nothing can separate me from the love of God! (Romans 8:35-39) And that there is more than enough grace for me. This is why we are able to experience true joy!

Romans 5:1-2

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."

Why Ethiopia?

A few days ago Stephen and I received our official letter of approval from our adoption agency, International Adoption Guides (IAG). We had been waiting for almost a month and a half after turning in the application to hear back from them that we had been approved. I actually haven't written any blogs about our adoption process so far because I wanted to get that approval back first. Not that I thought we wouldn't be approved, but just because I wanted it to be official before sharing everything I'm feeling with everyone.

When we opened the packet (a very thick one at that) we just stared at it for a minute, thinking about what it meant for us as a family. I can't believe it's finally happening! As Stephen put it, it feels like we've just taken a pregnancy test. :)

IAG sent us an official letter telling us what we should expect next as well as a very thick packet that's really more like a big contract that you have to initial every page and read thoroughly. We were so excited that we read the entire thing immediately, and it took several hours. We're already aware at how overwhelming this process is going to feel at times, but we are trusting God that He will guide us through this entire process. After all, if it was God that lead us to adopt then certainly He will see us through the process.

Our next step is to send in the "contract" as well as their agency fee of $4,500. This is the entire amount that IAG charges us. Some may think "Wow, why do they charge that much?" Our agency will be coordinating everything throughout the entire process from the mountains of legal paperwork, translation of the paperwork before sending it overseas to the Ethiopian government, our referral (finding us a child that matches our profile) and all of the travel and court details while we are in Ethiopia to bring our child home. It's quite extensive and usually takes a minimum of a year from start to finish so when when you think about all of the different factors, $4,500 isn't all that much to do all of that work.

We already love the people at IAG. Some of our friends that have adopted a couple of times highly recommended Jim Harding (the head of our agency), and our adoption Coordinator, Susan, has been so encouraging and attentive. It really helps to have people that will be there every step of the way!

We have currently raised $3500 of the $4500 that we need for the first payment (which goes to our agency). We have one month to raise the other $1000 and send it in with the contract. If we take longer than this to make the payment then our adoption is put on hold until we get the money. Then the next step is the homestudy which thankfully only costs $1500. We have to choose a homestudy agency (IAG has recommended a good one in our area) and they will do an in-depth 3 month evaluation of our home/health/finances/criminal backgrounds check/fingerprinting etc. that we have to submit to the Ethiopian government so that they will allow us to adopt from their country.

Again, some have said "Why doesn't the government make it easier to adopt from their country?" The current Ethiopian government really is a good government that has been striving to make Ethiopia more stable and healthy for years now. Unfortunately, because of sheer poverty and aids, the orphan crisis continues to grow at an alarming rate. All of the procedures that the government puts into place (from requiring the in-depth home-study to asking for yearly follow-up reports that show the well-being of the children after they are adopted) show that they really do care about their children. What if these procedures weren't in place? Then anyone could adopt regardless of if you have a violent criminal background or you're a sex offender or you have a life-threatening disease. These are put in place to protect the children. And the largest payment that we have is for the referral of a child. ($9000 if the child is under 3 yrs, $6000 if older than 3 yrs) This money goes back into the orphanages that they are struggling to even have enough of. Right now there are roughly 5 MILLION orphans in Ethiopia. In 2006, only 732 were adopted from the US.

So we move forward, prayerfully and optimistic that although we are at the beginning of a long and difficult process, the Lord will be faithful to guide us and provide for us every step of the way. I know when we hold our little boy in our arms for the first time that it will be completely worth it. That when I see my little girls hug him and kiss him and call him brother it won't even matter what we had to go through to bring him home. It's such a beautiful picture of how God adopted us as His own children. That when we were dead in our sins and enemies of God, He came and died for us to make us His own. He didn't have to but He wanted to.

Please pray for us throughout this adoption. Also, we are selling coffee to help with some of these initial costs so if you haven't gotten any, would you consider buying a bag? Stephen and I are also about to start recording a cd called Adoption Art that will be available later this year or early next year. We so appreciate your prayers and support! Thank you so much!

Home

So we survived the crazy summer of traveling (and moving!) and are settling into our own home quite nicely. :) I actually enjoyed traveling this summer more than any other year which is funny considering all of the different changes and adjustments we have been going through. It could have been very stressful, but by God's grace we were able to relax and trust that He is indeed in control over everything.

The "mansion" as we called it went under contract shortly before beginning our summer travels so we had to move everything out before leaving. But we still had at least a month before we would be able to close on our own house. So we stuffed our things (mainly clothes and some boxes) into our already full storage unit and then some in the basement of our "future" home. (It helps to be friends with the home-owners in situations like this!) And then we left.

We were at a different camp each week, and looking back I can't believe how incredible pretty much all of them were. We've experienced the full range of youth camps, from challenging and difficult to absolutely amazing but this year it was full of amazing camps that had incredible leadership, great accomodations, and actually decent food with the exception of when we ALL got food poisoning. But that was the hotel's fault and luckily it only lasted 24 hours. Really, eating lukewarm chicken fajitas should be a red flag anyway. :)

The funny thing is, we HAD to leave the morning that we were all sick so that I could make my flight that evening (which we missed of course) so we all piled into the car for an 8+ hour drive. We stopped countless times to take turns throwing up. And finally that evening, after having not thrown up for a few hours, we stopped to eat since we were all so hungry. We were so scared to eat anything, though, for fear that it would make us throw up again. So we reluctantly stopped in a little town that really only had one decent dining option... Chick-fil-A. Remember, we had just gotten so sick on chicken fajitas. :) We all thought it was pretty funny to be eating chicken after getting sick on chicken. But then again, Chick-fil-A has some pretty awesome chicken. And I'm not one to be overly-dramatic and swear off chicken just because some person at a hotel can't cook properly. ha ha So the running joke in the band now when something goes wrong is, "Hey, at least it isn't food poisoning!"

Anyway, one of the things I liked the most about this year, besides most of the camps being very family-friendly, is that we met quite a few people that are also going through the adoption process. It was so encouraging to meet people that are experiencing the same things that we are and that have the same passions. It was definitely a special time for us.

It was also my favorite summer so far because it is so obvious that God is putting such a passion for mercy, justice, and compassion in the entire band, not just Stephen and I. This summer is was much more than just leading worship for students. Yes, that is awesome. But the guys were able to share about how incredible it is to be able to live out your faith by your actions. To care about what God cares about. He says that he will accept those who feed and clothe the needy, take care of the stranger, and visit the sick and imprisoned, but that those who don't do those things he will reject. That when you neglect others it's like you are neglecting Christ himself. That's a huge statement. No, you cannot earn your way to God. It is by grace you have been saved. But the Bible also says you will be known by your fruit, and that if you do not bear fruit you will be cut off the vine.

Simply put, we can't be hypocrits! Don't say you believe something when your life does not reflect it. This is an easy thing to say, but much harder to do. Still, it is so exciting to see how God is working in this ministry and in our own lives. To be able to look back and see how much God has grown us and shaped us. We have a long way to go, but, by his grace, we are going!

Parenting

Parenting is one of the scariest things you can possibly do. I mean, seriously! We are completely responsible for the well-being of another person... their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being. And one of the things that is so difficult as you watch your children grow is to see them make mistakes. You wonder "Am I being too easy on them?" and then you think "Wait, am I being too strict with them? After all, they're just children. They can't be expected to behave like adults." And then you see them do something that you do. Perhaps a bad habit that you are trying to break. For sure, the hardest part of parenting is leading by example in every area of your life.

Everyone has heard the saying "Do what I say, not what I do." But certainly that is completely opposite of how we are to parent according to the Bible. We teach our children what is acceptable by how we act and react to everything in our lives.

For me, the hardest part about parenting is being consistent. My friend said the other day that we often think our children go though fazes where they will be really good one week and difficult the next. But while certain factors definitely affect our kids (like lack of sleep or unhealthy eating habits), many times it is us as parents that can throw our kids off balance. I'll notice when I am consistent regarding discipline with the girls they behave really well. When I follow our rule of "You get a warning, but if you ignore the warning you get into trouble" my girls don't try to push the limits as much. But if we've had a crazy week, and I'm tired and I let the "little things" slide, they start pushing the limits with everything.

Kinsey is six and a half, and I love having conversations with her about stuff like this because she is so smart. One time, as I was tucking her into bed, I reminded her of the importance of being obedient and how she can always tell us if she is having a hard time with something. She told me, "I want to obey, but sometimes it is so hard! I want to do what is right, but my brain tells me to do something different."

It's hard to see your children struggle with self-control the same way that we as adults do too. There is no solution to offer them to take the struggle away. We will struggle with sin our entire lives. But praise God that he is so much better than any of the things we struggle with. He's better than the short-lived pleasure we experience when we sin. The joy we find in knowing and following him far outweighs anything this world has to offer. And the more we let this truth guide our lives, the more our children will see us lead them by example and not just by our words.

Our children's view of everything, especially their view of God, is shaped by us. What a huge responsibility! What a great privilege we have! Parenting is one of the greatest privileges we could ever have. It's one of life's greatest blessings.

Peter and Calvin

Have you ever wanted to help children living in poverty all over the world, but you don't feel you are able to adopt right now? We sponsor two little boys through Compassion International, and it has been one of the most rewarding things we've ever done!

Calvin is six, and he's from Ghana. He was four when we started sponsoring him. That first picture we received of him is so memorable. He had the sweetest smile. He doesn't say much in his letters, usually just things like "You're my friend" and "I love you" (They have translators that write everything down in English for the younger kids.) But Calvin loves to draw pictures. I love his drawings because they are so simple. A ball, a tree, a truck. He recently became a big brother, and he says he loves to help his mother take care of his baby sister.

Our other sponsored child is Peter, a 10 year old little boy from Uganda. (He was 8 when we started sponsoring him) The first picture I saw of him still haunts me. He was standing in front of these huge shady trees, wearing a dirty suit that was much too big for him, and he was barefoot. He didn't smile. He looked as if he had been crying. Most of the children's profiles show a picture of a child with a big smile on their face, as if to say "Choose me!" but Peter looked so sad.

Compassion provides paper and pre-stamped envelopes for you to be able to correspond with your child. The letters go to that country's Compassion office, where they sort them and any gifts that were sent, and then send them on to the villages or towns. I remember the first letter we wrote to Peter. We told him how glad we were that we were able to be his sponsors. We told him that we loved him already, and that God loves him too. He wrote back, telling us little things about his life.

It's been two years since then, and I get so excited when we get a letter from him in the mail. Today we received one. He started by saying how excited he was to receive our gift. We sent him $25. (I tell you this simply to show how something little can be HUGE for these kids!) This is something we do a few times a year for each of the boys. Our monthly sponsorship provides them with food, medical care, and school. The gifts are special for them as they are able to spend it on whatever they wish. (FYI- when we went on our Compassion trip to El Salvador last fall we were told that 95% of the time when a child receives a "general gift" (as they call it) the child spends it on food, because their families are so poor and that is the greatest need.)

Peter sent a picture of himself with the things he had bought. A new shirt, pants, and shiny black shoes. A soda and piece of candy. And a goat. He smiled proudly with his arm around the goat's neck. I'm not sure if it is a milking goat, or if they will eventually eat it. For now, I'm sure it makes a nice pet. :) He went on to ask us to pray for him to do well in his studies. (Children that do well in school through Compassion's program are able to get scholarships to go on to college!) And at the end he said that his family wanted us to know how much they love us, that they love us with a great love. I cried when I read that. :)

I can't even begin to explain how amazing it is to be able to make a difference in a child's life. To form a relationship, a friendship with them. To show them God's love, not just tell them about it. We are very privileged people to grow up in America where not only our basic needs are met, but most of us have houses and cars and nice clothes. Our children don't have to go to bed hungry. They have plenty of toys to play with and movies to watch. It's easy to forget that this isn't the case with most of the world out there, especially when many of us have never been to another country where things are completely different. I know I was shocked and convicted when I saw how differently so many others live for the first time.

Perhaps God blessed us with an abundance of wealth and resources, not to pamper and spoil ourselves and our children, but to use it to help others? This is what God has been showing me the last few years. I wasn't born in America because God cares more about me more than the children born in poverty. Why has God blessed America? What has God blessed me? I am convinced that he has given to me so that I may give to others.  Maybe we're only blessed in order to bless others.

www.compassion.com

Here we go!

So I've been wanting to start a blog for a while now. I love to write. Honestly, if I had to pick a career outside of the home it would likely have something to do with writing. I'm blessed that I get to stay home with my girls instead of working outside of the home, though. Some women really enjoy having a career while others enjoy being home with their kids. I'm one of those women that absolutely loves being able to be with my kids at home. However, like every SAHM I realize my need for adult conversation. :) So here we go! On this site you will find everything from updates about the Miller family to our thoughts on our faith, marriage, parenting etc. Thanks for reading!