Aching. That is the word that describes much what I've felt the past few weeks. Have you ever gone through something that left you speechless, feeling paralyzed, and full of deep aching?
About a month ago, Stephen and I went through something that was utterly heart-breaking for us. I think it was one of the first, if not the first time that I was so overwhelmed with grief that I could hardly function at first. I've found that it helps for me to talk about it so I'd like to share this story with you.
You see, this past March Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby. We had talked about the possibility of either adopting again or having one more baby first, and although the timing was not planned, our excitement grew each day as we prayed for and dreamed about what this baby was going to be like. I cannot tell you the joy I felt when I would hear Stephen talk excitedly about the baby or the proud look on his face when we told our close friends and family the news. We were thrilled.
We went together to the 8-week appointment to have an ultrasound done. On the way, Stephen and I talked about how we would announce it to our kids and about how we would celebrate as a family that evening. (I had taken the positive test about 5 weeks earlier but we wanted to wait until we had an ultrasound and knew the due date before announcing it publicly or telling our kids.) I was so excited to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. We marched into the waiting room, hand in hand, with smiles on our faces. God was giving us another child! Sure, five would be quite a handful, but we'd already settled into having four pretty well. As my mom told me, "If you can handle four, you can handle five." I just couldn't wait to see him or her on the ultrasound.
Our doctor was wonderful but it didn't take long to see that something wasn't quite right. It shouldn't take so long to find the heartbeat, right? She eventually told us that the baby had not made it and that I would probably miscarry in the next day or two. I tried my hardest not to fall apart in that room. She printed off a picture of our baby to take home so that we could remember him or her. I was utterly heartbroken. What was I suppose to do now? One moment we were eagerly planning for another little boy or girl and the next they were gone. I went home and wept bitterly.
It's been a little over a month now, and there are a few things that I've learned and am learning from this experience.
- I am not alone. We had so many wonderful people come forward to encourage us and support us, many sharing stories of their own loss. I didn't realize just how many others have been through something similar, and I am learning so much about how to be a comfort to those that are hurting by the example that many have shown to us. Thank you for your love, your generosity, and your willingness to comfort us when we were hurting.
- We are so blessed. I can look around and see so many ways that God has truly blessed us. Going through something difficult is such a good reminder that we still have so much to be thankful for. I am especially thankful for my wonderful husband and my four precious kids that I have the privilege to call my own. They are such a joy in my life.
- God is still faithful. Even when things are difficult and even when it breaks our heart, we can rest in knowing that God is still good. We may never know why some things happen, and that can be very hard, but we do know that God keeps his promises and that in all things (even the awful things) God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. (Rom 8:28) Thank you Lord for being faithful and good despite our circumstances. We know that we can trust you.
He makes beauty from ashes.
