Guarding our hearts

Over the past several weeks now I've been contemplating and meditating on Proverbs 4:23. 

   

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think each and every one of us knows from some sort of experience the truth of this verse.  It seems like it is so easy for your heart to be affected by the struggles and hurts that we all go through.  This season has been one of overwhelming joy and still quite a bit of hardship for our family.  We have so much to be thankful for and yet we are still hurting as we continue to make our way through different situations.  I think sometimes the natural reaction to being hurt is to become defensive, and yet I know that is not a healthy solution, particularly if you value having real and authentic friendships and community with other people.  If we do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable with others, will we really ever experience the kind of community that the Bible teaches us about? 

One of the things I am learning lately is that when you don't guard your heart it is easy to become cynical because there are always going to be people out there that will hurt you and situations that leave you with the short end of the stick. I think this is why the bible tells us to not let our love grow cold, because in this imperfect world it can easily happen and we must guard our hearts from becoming cynical and defensive. I truly believe that cynicism causes divisiveness and ultimately stifles our joy. But when we are meditating on the goodness of God, on his faithfulness and love and grace, we cannot help but be thankful for all that we have which will produce in us true and lasting joy. When I am dwelling on a frustrating situation or how I was mistreated by someone, I literally can feel the cynicism and bitterness creeping inside of me. I start to forget how good God has been to me and how much I am blessed. But when I choose to reflect on all that I have to be thankful for I am often times overcome with joy and thankfulness even though my circumstances have not changed. Funny how that works. I suppose that's why the bible instructs us to do this. :)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.- Phil 4:8

This is why I think it is so important to speak encouragement to others. When we complain or grumble we breed divisiveness and anger but when we encourage and build others up through sincere love it will produce joy and unity among us. I'm not talking about that fake "Oh, it's so good to see you!" stuff when really you know that you have a grudge against that person. (And they probably know it too.) I'm talking about walking in love, asking God to humble us and change our hearts, so that we see others the way that God sees them. We should fight for this, for unity, joy and sincere love, because we know that this is what Christ wants. Thank you, Jesus, for your grace and patience to lovingly and gently teach us a better way! 

One day at a time...

It seems like our family is ever changing as we continue to bond and adapt to this new life of ours.  I can honestly say that going from two kids to four overnight is not necessarily an easy thing. Go figure! :)  I'm the kind of mom that is very "go with the flow" and tends to be more laid back when it comes to structure and routine.  And while I think I will naturally always be this way to some extent, I am definitely seeing myself change some simply out of necessity.  I mean, I like having my kids play carefree around the house or in the backyard, getting dirty or into mischief usually.  In the past I haven't been quite as strict on bedtimes.  I might have let the laundry go for a few days or *gasp* even closer to a week. (My mom will be mortified to read this) ;)  

But I'm finding that it is necessary with two more children in our home, particularly two that need a little more attention than the average 3 and 5 year olds, to bring a little more structure to our home to keep things moving smoothly.  I've also seen this to be necessary for me, as a person, and for Stephen and I.  For instance, I highly value bedtimes always being between 7 and 7:30 now, not only because I've seen a general improvement in my kids behavior, but because after spending the whole day pouring myself into my four kids, Stephen and I truly need that time after the kids go to bed to connect and unwind.  I pay very close attention to my family's nutrition (which I always have, but even more strictly now) because I know that our boys missed out on healthy eating their first few years.  Since good nutrition, such as eating veggies and fruits and lean protein, is such a huge part of the overall health of a person, this is something that I feel I must work hard to maintain.  And I usually can't just plan to leave the house at the drop of a hat because I know the boys do best if I prepare them and explain things to them in advance.  It's not that they aren't happy when I tell them we need to go somewhere, but they get so excited they literally can't stop asking questions to try to figure out what's going on. "Mom, what doing? What this? Wow! Where going? Ah? Go car? Go store? Ah? What doing??" haha 

With all of the continual changes happening in our family, there is one in particular that I am really enjoying and that is the fact that the boys now speak English well enough to share some of their memories from Ethiopia.  Until more recently, I was unsure of whether or not it would bother them if we talked about Ethiopia so I kind of slowly tested the waters to see if this was something they wanted to talk about or not.  To my surprise, they were very excited to talk about Ethiopia and what they remembered.  The other day, I had pulled out the boys' suitcases to pack for our trip for Thanksgiving (which we are currently in the car driving to).   The boys saw the suitcases and said, "Ohhhh!!! Dis red one. Dis blue one.  Dis in Ethiopia."  So we sat on the floor next to the suitcases talking about some of our experiences in Ethiopia.  I asked the boys, "Do you remember when Daddy brought ice-cream to the hotel in Ethiopia?" The boys' eyes lit up and they talked about what color ice-cream they had eaten and how they got so messy.  I said, "And what did we do after ice-cream?"  Both boys jumped up and said, "Bath! Big BIG bubbles!!" haha

 I just love that we have gotten to the point that we are able to look back together at some of the memories we have already made over the past five months.  And I also really love that the boys are old enough to remember Ethiopia and some of the special people that were in their lives like their nanny, Werkenesh, and our agency's driver, Yitbarek, who was like an uncle to them.  We have talked about them fondly a few times, and the boys seem to be ok with the fact that we don't see them anymore, though this is still a sad reality.  I know, even as orphans in Ethiopia, they still had to give up a lot to be here with us.  Once Jude told me very matter-of-factly, "Mom? Yitbarek... Ethiopia.  Me... here.  Me... America." I kind of froze when he said that and tried to study his face to see how he was feeling about the statement he had just made.  We looked at each other for a moment but then he smiled that beautiful smile of his, and I picked him up and hugged him tightly.  I'm so glad that we are able to share and talk like this, even through their broken, yet oh so adorable English.   

The other day after eating lunch, Liam told me, "Mommy? Liam hurting tummy." We rocked together in the rocking chair in his room, and when Jude came in he said, "What doing?" to which Liam exclaimed, "Jude! Liam tummy boo-boo." This apparently brought back a memory for Jude, and he started telling me about how when he was in Addis Ababa, (or as he says Addis Aba) he had a bad tummy ache and started throwing up, (the hand motion he used for this was pretty cute.) and his nanny had to give him a bath.  I gave him a hug and said, "Oh Jude, I'm so sorry you had a boo-boo in Ethiopia.  Did Werkenesh help you to feel better?" And he said, "Yeah. All better. No boo-boo America. Me good." I love when he shares things like this with me, and I get a little bit of a closer glimpse into what his life was like before we came for him.  

Adopting our boys has been such a huge blessing to us.  So many people have said to us, "Wow, that must be pretty hard, huh?" And our response is always, "You're right.  It is very hard.  But it is so worth it.  There is so much joy to be had in this process.  We've experienced God's love and faithfulness in a deeper way that we wouldn't have otherwise known."  I know that each adoptive family has their own unique joys and struggles, and I truly am not trying to minimize the challenges of adoption.  They are very real.  But I've found that there is such a deep joy in the midst of these challenges if we are seeking God's heart in the midst of our circumstances.  He is so good and so faithful, even in the challenging times! Every time I look into my two precious little boys faces I am reminded of God's deep love for his people.  Every time I hear them giggle I am reminded of his faithfulness to heal our brokenness. There will be brokenness for each of us, but he is good and kind and gentle and faithful to take care of us and to restore us in his perfect timing.  This is the beauty of Jesus.  

"So why did you choose to adopt internationally?"

 This is one of the main questions that Stephen and I have been asked lately. There is so much need, both overseas and right here in our own country and city, that it can be sometimes overwhelming to pinpoint where you want to start. Stephen and I are both incredibly passionate about caring for orphans in general, but as we started to look into the possibility of adopting, we really felt that international adoption was the right choice for our family right now.  Here's why.

Over the past few years especially, Stephen and I have begun to grow more and more passionate about international missions for a few reasons.

1) The extreme poverty in many of these developing countries is unlike anything we see here in America.  36 million people die of malnutrition and the diseases caused by it each year! The leading cause for child mortality worldwide is malnutrition.  And I can tell you, just by walking the streets of Addis Ababa, that this kind of poverty is absolutely horrific... and it's everywhere in Africa particularly.

2) There are literally thousands of people groups that have absolutely no access to the gospel whatsoever.  This is a heartbreaking reality, and we know that as Christians God has called each of us to go make disciples.  While we greatly value reaching out to those that are in our immediate circle, if none of us are willing to go further, then how can others hear? It is for this reason that Christ said to go and make disciples of all nations. Because God actually loves them just as much as he does Americans. That may sound harsh, I know, but I think we sometimes forget that the majority of the world isn't living the American dream, nor anything close to it.  And that many people have never even heard the name of Jesus let alone the hope of salvation that we have through him.

3) We know that we want our family to be a picture of the gospel, not just in terms of adoption (God first adopted us into his family and made us his own), but also as a display of the truth of God's love for every tribe, tongue, and nation.  He loves people no matter their color, ethnicity, or language.  We are all fearfully and wonderfully made!

Our decision also came from a lot of prayer for clarity and direction.  Like almost two years worth.  And from that we began to see God confirm the path for us over and over again through circumstances, people and even dreams.


I will also say that God ALWAYS prepares you for the things he calls you to do.  The biggest comment I've probably heard from people concerning our adoption is, "I could never do that because..."  So many people love the idea of adopting but feel unable to do so.  Here are many statements we've heard.

"I couldn't adopt because we don't make a great income."
"Maybe I would have if I didn't already have kids of my own."
"I just don't know if I could love them enough/like my own kids."
"I'm too busy to adopt."
"I don't have enough patience for that kind of thing."


Let me tell you, as a young couple that makes a very modest income, already had two children biologically, has a very busy life, travels a decent amount of time for Stephen's work, and I am not naturally an organized person, nor do I love laundry or dishes... at all... God prepares and equips each family despite whatever challenges you may face.  I'm not saying it is a breeze.  It takes a lot of hard work!  But I am saying that all things are possible with God if you have a willing heart.  Faith + a willing heart = unlimited possibilities as to what God can do through you (despite yourself.) So many people told us about how hard adoption would be, but few shared about how much joy it would bring us. It far outweighs the challenges!

If you feel that little pull or tug toward adopting, but you have concerns or doubts about it being possible, don't let that concern or fear keep you from pursuing God on this issue.  It is absolutely true that he not only makes a way for it to happen (sometimes just one step at a time like he did with us), but he also provides every little thing that you need in order to do so, not only during the adoption process but also in your new life after you bring your child home.  For those who want to adopt or feel called to adopt take courage that God is so faithful to provide!  I often felt like Moses during our adoption process.  We didn't know the details of how it was going to work but the one thing that we did know is that God said, "Go." Each step of the way, he provided just in time.  Each time we didn't have a solution, he would part the red sea so to speak.  It has been so beautiful and has caused us to fall in love with the Lord even more.  I pray that more families will be blessed in this way, and that they will take courage that where the Lord leads, he absolutely always provides.

As I said earlier, international adoption was the right choice for our family right now.  Meaning, are we going to adopt again? Maybe so. From Ethiopia?  Perhaps. Another country? Possibly.  Do foster care? We're certainly open to it in the future.  Who knows, we many even have another baby biologically.  This is not because we want "tons" of kids necessarily or because we think it would be easy to do so.  (Yeah right!) But we want to let God guide us in what our family will look like and not put limitations on what he has for us.  If there's one thing that I can say we've really learned going through this adoption process, it has been that God will always be faithful no matter the challenges and no matter the circumstances.  This fact has given us an incredible amount of courage and faith because we've seen him provide over and over again even when it seemed impossible.  Certainly he will continue to be faithful, and seeing his faithfulness in our lives brings so much peace and joy!

A little confession

Here's my little confession for the day.  I miss home.  Like, I really really miss my family lately.  I think part of it is because we have our sweet little boys here now, and I so wish we were able to be closer to family for everyone to spend quality time together.  I think about how wonderful it was for my girls to have my parents and sisters be such a part of their daily lives, and how that's just not the case anymore and it hurts my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm not incredibly happy here in Saint Louis.  I love this city.  I love our church, our neighborhood, our wonderful friends here.  And I think about how many times God has confirmed to us that this is exactly where we are suppose to be right now, and I'm filled with joy in knowing that we are here for a purpose and to be used by him, as well as to grow in Him.

Perhaps part of it is that this coming season is so nostalgic for me.  I love the cooler weather, the turning leaves, the fall festivities. Whenever the cooler weather first hits, it always reminds me of a certain memory of when Kinsey was two, and my mom and I would take her, all dressed up in her new fall clothes, to her weekly gymboree music class.  It was such a special season for us.

Anyway, I know I'm just rambling, but for some reason I really wanted to write it down.  I love my family.  I love my home.  And while Austin is always going to feel like home to me, I'm also so grateful for where we are now and how incredibly blessed we are.  It's so comforting to know that God is the one leading us, and we just have to be faithful to follow!

The Miller 6- A new "normal"

The funny thing about life is that it never quite goes as planned. There are always bumps in the road and twists and turns that you didn't expect. With our adoption process we didn't even quite know what to expect. I mean, there are so many unknowns about what life is going to be like once you bring your children home. You can daydream all day long about what you hope it will be like, but the fact of the matter is that there are dozen of different factors that will contribute to what it actually turns out to be like. We have so many friends that have adopted or are going through the adoption process, and really the one thing that we all have in common is that each story is different. Different children, different ages, different countries, different challenges. But the same joy.

Here we are two months after we brought Jude Surafel and Liam Esrael home. I can tell you that what I thought would be a challenge for us has not been, and what I didn't think would be an issue has been. It's funny how that works. We were prepared to bring home two little boys that probably wouldn't eat well, sleep well, play well, or honestly adjust well to a completely new life. At least not at first, right? I mean, if this were happening to me I'd probably be throwing tantrums constantly and freaking out over how much change I was being forced to face all at one time. We read the books that shed light on all of the different possible problems we could encounter, particularly with adopting toddlers that are too young to fully understand what is going on but old enough to be distressed about the many different changes they are going through. We were prepared to deal whatever crazy stuff came our way.

We've definitely been dealing with our fair share of difficulties which I'll mention later, but as far as Jude and Liam are concerned, I've never been so amazed. These kids are resilient to say the least. There are times that I will just stand back and watch in awe as they truly thrive in their new environment. Life is filled with so many precious and often times funny moments. Like how each time Liam will discover a new toy (which is like every 5 minutes) he will exclaim to his brother, "Jude Afafen! Look! Fun! Fun!" Or how no matter what I tell the boys we are going to do, they get excited about it.

Me: "Time to go in the car."

Them: "Yay! Go in car!"

Me: "Come on kids. Time to eat."

Them: "Yay! Come eat! Come eat!"

Me: "Bubble bath time."

Them: "Bubbles! Bubbles! Come on!!"

I also love how Jude really likes to understand what to expect each day and tries to communicate it to me. It goes something like this. (Excitedly) "Mommy? Wake up, eat eggies, clothes, swing, eat banana, tv, sleep, eat, bubbles, books, sleep!" Haha

When it comes to disciplining them, it usually doesn't take much to correct the behavior. Yesterday as we walked through our neighborhood after dropping Keira off for Kindergarten, Jude happily skipped down the sidewalk ahead of me. When he started to get a little too far, I called to him to stop and wait for Liam and me to catch up. He thought for a moment, put his hand over his mouth while giggling, and then turned and kept going full pace until he was out of my sight. Luckily we were already close to our house, but still I knew he had to understand the importance of following the rules especially when we were outside and near the street. I sat him on his bed when we got home and calmly told him in simple words that he could understand that since he didn't stop when I said stop, he had to sit in his room instead of eating his snack right away (A banana, as usual. They act like it's desert or something! haha) He nodded and then cried for a few minutes before I let him join his brother for snack time. What I thought was so interesting is that today he was very careful to not get more than 10 or 15 feet in front of me while we walked to the school. He would skip for a bit and then turn around and look at me as if to say, "Is this ok?" When I would nod, he would continue on for a bit before checking again to make sure he wasn't too far. He really is such a great kid! :)

While I am quite surprised and thankful for how well the boys seem to be adjusting here, I'm certainly not trying to sugar-coat this or make adoption look like an effortless journey that contains no hardship or heartache. Believe me, it contains both. There is plenty of heartache as you navigate through the adoption process, as you wonder where your child is and what he is doing, as you see the faces of many children in need of families, as you pray and hope and wait to bring your child home. And there is plenty of heartache once you bring them home and you spend yourself to the point of exhaustion as you help these children to heal from some of their past trauma. You will shed tears as you see evidence of the pain they have been through. When a misunderstood statement about Stephen going on an airplane leaves them crying and thinking they are going back to Ethiopia. When they get so extremely happy at meal time and it makes you wonder how many meals they missed before coming home. When you look at the one picture you were given of their birth mom who was obviously crying, and you think about the awful reality that millions of children are left without parents to care for them because of disease and extreme poverty. Yes folks, there is still plenty of heartache when it comes to adoption even for the families whose child or children seem to be adjusting pretty well. It is costly. There are days that you will spend every ounce of energy you have and then some to meet your children's physical, emotional, and mental needs. There are days that you will want to cry from being so emotionally drained and yet so happy at the same time. You may literally question your sanity that you can feel so empty yet so full, so heartbroken yet so overjoyed, so confused yet so at peace. God is a good God. He is faithful to care for us as we make our way through this messy thing called life. That is what's so incredible about this adoption process for us. It has been such a picture of the Lord's faithfulness in our lives. I love that I can see him walking with us, hand in hand, each step of the way. He is the one doing this, not us, and that is a very reassuring thought! :)

While our family has had to deal with some health issues, which I'll talk about next, I think we've had it easier than many other families when it comes to the kids adjusting to their new life. I've heard so many stories about other families dealing with attachment issues, behavioral issues, eating and sleeping problems and so forth and sometimes I wonder why the boys aren't exhibiting some of these things too. While we're only a couple of months into it and new things can surface at any time, I honestly think that one of the reasons the boys seem to be doing so well here has to do with the care center that they were in. Like other adopted children, our boys have faced abandonment. They've missed meals. They've been without a mommy and daddy to hold them and play with them and teach them and feed them and tuck them into bed and say prayers at night. But I witnessed the level of care and attention that they received at their care center. I saw the bond that they had with their nanny. I watched as they played with her and she tickled them and made them laugh and kissed their cheeks. I listened as she would excitedly point to us and tell the boys, "Kiss mommy! Kiss daddy! Hug...Say... I love you!" I truly believe that one of the main reasons why our boys have bonded so well with us and have come into this new life full of excitement and happiness is because of the love and sense of security that this woman gave to our boys. For her to be there not only to love on them while they waited to come home, but for her to encourage them that it will be ok when they leave with us. That we will love them and be good to them. That they will be happy. I truly love this woman for what she has done for Jude and Liam. She was like a mother to them when they had none. Thank you, Lord, for putting this woman in their lives!

As I said, though, each adoptive family has a unique set of challenges to face. Our main one for sure has been health related. You see, a few weeks after bringing the boys home, Jude got pretty sick very suddenly. He had a fever and his face started swelling very quickly and significantly. My mind was racing. Let's see, we just brought him home from Africa so this could be... just about anything. I worried for his well-being and prayed that it wouldn't be anything very serious or damaging. After several days in the hospital and a tons and tons of testing, we were finally told that he had contracted the mumps a few days before we picked him up in Ethiopia. In some ways, we were relieved to hear this because the mumps is a relatively harmless virus that passes quickly. However, we were confused to find this out given that you actually contract the mumps 12-25 days before you show any symptoms so his doctor told us he had to have contracted it 2-3 days before we arrived in Ethiopia to pick them up. Remember, this is a child that remained within the walls of a little care center, and there have been no cases of mumps there. We were, however, notified that he received immunizations for all 5 years that he had missed the week before we picked him up. Why they would give a malnourished underweight child five years worth of vaccines at one time is beyond me. I was actually quite horrified to find that out, and even Jude's doctor said that he probably got the mumps from the vaccine. I'm just glad that it was the mumps and not one of the more serious diseases! Anyway, all that to say, because the mumps can take up to 25 days before manifesting symptoms, we've had to remain at home until more recently. The girls even missed the first couple of weeks of school because we needed to be sure that they hadn't gotten it before going to school. But PRAISE THE LORD we are back to normal now!! :)

So we're back to "normal" life as they call it, which is still far from normal. My daily routine includes not only all of the normal stuff for a family with young children, but also some things that are quite unique. Like snuggling on the couch with my two kids from Africa as I try to teach them new words in English. Like trying to explain for the 10th time why, yes, you are going to fall into the toilet if you try to sit on it without the seat down. Like trying to capture pictures of your 5-year-old and 3-year-old riding bikes for the first time, having a birthday party for the first time, or eating a pb&j sandwich for the first time. (They thought a pb&j sandwich was so strange and funny the first time I made it for them! haha)

Life is good. It's not normal, but I wouldn't change one tiny little thing about it. I still can't believe that God allowed us to adopt these two little boys. Like we really got to bring them home. They're really ours forever. We're two months into forever, and I've got to say, it feels pretty good! :)

Our first week home

Arriving in St Louis with the boys was so exciting. We were so glad to have finished traveling, and we were anxious to introduce the boys to our girls and my mom, who was staying at our house with the girls while we were gone. One of the biggest things that Stephen and I had been praying about was the chemistry between the boys and the girls. We really prayed that they would not only get along well but that they would really love each other!

We made our way to the pick-up area at the airport and watched in fascination as we opened the doors to the car and the kids all started giggling and hugging each other. It was so incredibly beautiful! Jude climbed in the back seat with Keira, and she excitedly showed him how to buckle his new booster seat which he actually enjoyed doing. Kinsey wanted to buckle Liam into his carseat next to her, and they played peek-a-boo and giggled together for a good while. It was so precious to hear the boys try to say the girls names which ended up being, "Kiss-ey! Kiss-ey!" and "Ke-a! Ke-a!" :)

The car ride to our house was loud with laughter. The girls kept trying to get the boys to repeat random words in English which the boys happily went along with. When we got home we spent the first few minutes on the front porch as all four kids sat on the porch swing together. The picture I took of this is definitely one of my favorites so far. Then we went inside and the girls excitedly showed the boys every inch of the house. We ended up in the boys' room and spent a good bit of time showing them all of their toys and clothes. Liam just looked at everything with wide eyes and occasionally would smile or giggle at something, but Jude kept exclaiming, "Wow! Wow!" with each new thing.

One of our good friends from our church brought dinner that evening, and the boys ate good amount of chicken and rice before heading upstairs for a bubble bath which they thoroughly enjoyed. Stephen and I took turns rocking the boys in the glider in their room at bedtime before laying down with them. They cried off and on for a few minutes as we rubbed their backs and sang to them but fell asleep quickly.

Our first week home was filled with lots of excitement. Each day the boys would say new words and try new things. They played very well with their sisters, sharing everything they saw. They also bonded really quickly with my mom and were always calling, "Gigi!" which is what the kids call her. :)

Unfortunately, Stephen had to leave after a few days because the band still had two weeks of camps left. He was going to the first one by himself, coming home for the weekend, and then we were all going to go to the last one together that way we did have to be away from daddy for two weeks. :) I was concerned that the boys would be really upset while he was gone, but they didn't cry at all. Occasionally, we would look at pictures of him and they would point and say excitedly, "Daddy! Daddy!" I wanted so badly to explain to them that he would be back in just a few days. When the guys did return, the boys were really excited and Stephen spent the whole evening chasing the kids around the house and being silly.

The main challenge we saw the first week was with us establishing authority with them. They were super sweet and happy the majority of the time, but during the times that we would have to tell them no about something they would get really upset and cry. Often they would try to get it anyway, and we would take them upstairs and sit down with them for a few minutes while they calmed down. But only took about five minutes for them to calm down, and then we would hug them and they would say, "I loooove you!" I was honestly really surprised at how quickly they would move on and be hugging and kissing us again. And each day we would see a significant amount of progress. Sometimes we would say no about something and they wouldn't even get upset. But other times it was the end of the world, at least for a few minutes. ;) All in all, though, it was a GREAT first week!

Coming home! Not so fast...

So a little more time has gone by since my last post than I had planned. Go figure! :) I found that while I do enjoy blogging, I've been reluctant to use the few hours each evening after we put the kids to bed to blog. There's just so many other things that I can't really do with the kids awake so most of the time when I plan to blog it doesn't happen. But I think if I designate one evening a week to writing I'll stay fairly caught up. I'm finding that these days things always work best when it's planned out and scheduled in advance! :)

As I mentioned in my last blog, all flights out of Ethiopia are late in the evening so our flight left at 11 pm. We were prepared for a rough trip home, knowing that the boys would likely be sleep-deprived and cranky. (Not to mention we would be sleep-deprived!) However, we had no idea what was in store for us. Let me just put it this way. I think that this was one of the hardest two days of my life, and that is not an exaggeration.

As we walked into the airport, the boys were so excited to get on the plane. They pulled their little blue and red suitcases and kept exclaiming, "Aeroplan! Aeroplan!" But as we walked through the front door we immediately noticed a very long line for security. Within a couple of minutes Liam was saying, "Mommy? Toilet!" which is how the boys let us know they need to use the restroom. So I left Stephen and Jude Surafel with the luggage and asked the security officer if I could take Liam through security to use the restroom. Thankfully, it was ok, but when we finished he decided that he did NOT want me to take him back. Instead he wanted to run aimlessly around and try to stay out of my reach. I knew that the boys had had very little exposure to busy places so they had absolutely no concept that getting lost would be dangerous. I could also see that despite the fact that we had taken a long nap that afternoon, Liam was already very tired. As I caught him by the hand and picked him up, he started screaming hysterically. I mean, you would think that this child was being hurt or something because it sounded awful! I held him tightly as he tried to get free, and walked as calmly as possible back over to Stephen.

Every eye in the airport was on us, and I remember thinking to myself, "Yes go ahead and look. There's no way that you could possibly understand what's going on right now." It was only the beginning. We made our way through the check-in and immigration with Jude Surafel on Stephen's shoulders and Liam Esrael still hysterical. He cried and cried that I would not let him down, and I knew that sleeping was the only thing that was going to help him at that point. Still, it was hard to carry a screaming child through the airport for over an hour. And I hated that it probably looked like he didn't want to come with us to all of the people that kept staring at us. But I didn't expect anyone to saying something to us so I was a little caught off guard when an Ethiopian man walked over and said loudly, "Where is his mother??" Stephen turned around and took Liam from my arms as I said, "Um, I'm sorry? We are his parents." But that only agitated the man, and he started yelling, "Where is his REAL mother? He wants his REAL mother!" At that point one of the women that worked at our gate came over and said to him, "Sir, these are their adoptive parents and it's normal for children to cry before flying." We literally had to walk away because he wouldn't stop shouting, "He's crying for his REAL mother! That's who he wants!" Talk about ignorant. There are 5.5 million orphans in Ethiopia and starving people everywhere you turn, and he's assuming that the boys' "real" mother is even alive?? Up until this point we had been pleasantly surprised by how kind and gracious the Ethiopian people in general had been to us about adopting the boys so I was truly shocked to have been treated this way by that man.

Thankfully we were able to board a few minutes later. We had the four seats in the middle row, so Stephen and I sat on the outside and put the boys on the inside. Liam calmed down and both boys enjoyed playing with the tvs on the seats in front of them for awhile. But Liam started crying once again when he had to buckle his seat belt. This was another new concept for him because there were no seat belts in the car we rode in all week. I remember looking over at Stephen after he finally fell asleep and said, "Well, at least it can't really get any worse unless our plane crashes, right?" What a naive thing to say! ;)

Our first of two lay-overs was in Frankfurt which meant our first flight was only about 5 hours long, and the second one would be the longer one of about 9 hours. So I fully anticipated both of the boys to be exhausted when we got to Germany, but we figured it would be ok since we only had a one hour layover before heading to Chicago. Stephen and I had only slept a few hours on the first flight, so the plan was to just make it until the second one and we could all sleep then. Liam was right on cue when we stepped off the plane with his crying. This time Jude was also uncooperative, and Stephen had to carry him. Both boys would cry for a bit, then yawn and look around and cry some more. As if making a 25+ hour trip wasn't going to be hard enough for two little boys that were used to spending every day within the walls of the little care center, they were also getting very little sleep!

This would have been enough for me to have considered this a very hard trip, but it truly was only beginning. It quickly became clear to us that our connecting flight to Chicago had been canceled, and as we tried to go through immigrations to get to the desk to book a new one we were asked for the boys visas. This caused a huge problem because they were in a sealed envelope from the US embassy and we were told to not open it under any circumstances but to present it to US immigrations when we got to Chicago. This meant that I had to stay back with the boys while Stephen went through to try and get us a different flight. But by the time he got in line, he was the last of 300 other people who were also suppose to be on the flight to Chicago. I didn't think that a person could possibly have to stand in line for 4 hours just to book a flight, but that's how long Stephen had to.

When I realized Stephen had to leave me with both of the boys, who were at this point going through a wide range of emotions and behaviors from excited and trying to run away to angry and then back again to hysterical, I kept thinking, "Oh dear God, this is going to be insane. PLEASE let it go quickly and get us home, Lord!" I had become use to the stares from people each time one of the boys would freak out, but after a little while Jude just shut down completely (which is understandable for a 4-year-old that only got a few hours of sleep and was in a really scary environment for him). I had taken the boys to the restroom after already waiting for Stephen to return for several hours and as we tried to make our way through the busy pathway back to the table at McDonalds (the only place where we could at least sit down and look out the window at the planes) he just stopped walking. I gently tugged at his hand and said, "Come Surafel. Please. Lets go see the planes again." But instead of going with me, he sat down. Right there. In the the middle of a busy walk way. I knelt down with Liam still in my arms, and tried to coax Jude into standing back up, but he just stared at the ground, completely unresponsive, as if to say, "I've had enough of this." Liam had also had enough, but he displayed it in a much, um, louder way. He screamed and threw himself all around, occasionally trying to bite my shoulder in an effort to get free. I mean you really couldn't get a worse situation. One of my kids was about to get stepped on by the swarms of people walking back and forth and the other was trying his best to just run away. I had one in each hand, but I couldn't move. I was on the verge of completely bursting into tears. I got down in front of Jude with tears in my eyes and said, "Jude, look. Mommy is crying. Please. Come one." He looked at me and then looked down again. And that's when I started praying, "God, I can't handle this by myself. Please help me somehow!"

It was probably less than a minute before a woman that was walking by stopped to talk to me. As I looked up at her she said to me, "You know, if you smacked them around a bit more they would listen to you better." Um, not exactly what I needed right then. She then proceeded to say, "Here, I'll do it for you." and as she grabbed one of Jude's wrists and yanked on him she told him sternly, "Get up! Get up!" I was absolutely shocked, and I don't even know what I would have done if another woman hadn't intervened at that time. I mean, I think I'm a reasonably patient person, but when I'm sleep deprived and trying to get my very tired, frightened, and over-stimulated adopted children home I have no patience for ignorant rude people that put their hands on my kids. God's timing was perfect because I very well may have laid a hand on her too. Just being honest. :)

Here's where my prayer was answered. At that precise moment, another woman walked up and said to the first lady, "You know, I think she's ok. We can handle it from here." and thankfully the rude woman left. I proceeded to cry as this woman, whose name is Natalie, kindly asked me questions about the boys, and told me that she was returning from a missions trip to Africa. It didn't take long before discovering that she was from Austin, TX, my hometown. And she goes to a church that is merging with The Austin Stone, the church that Stephen and I attended before moving to St Louis. She had a long layover and stayed with me for over an hour, helping me keep the boys occupied and fairly happy. When Stephen finally returned I told him everything. We were all such an emotional mess by this time. Stephen and I didn't fight at all, but we both shed plenty of tears. I was SO exhausted already and we were stuck in Frankfurt. Stephen told me about how he cried too when he finally got through the line just to be told that there were NO AVAILABLE FLIGHTS for that day and that since we couldn't go through immigrations with the boys we would have to sleep in the airport. Um, right like that was going to happen. Even the police in the airport said it was impossible to get a temporary visa for the boys so that we could got to a hotel, but they graciously offered to let us sleep on the floor of that room. Ha! Just when we thought we could take no more, we were told that there was one flight that had 4 seats left headed for New Jersey in 5 hours. That's it! Surely our problems were over now, right! Right?

Not yet. We were able to go to the gate where that flight would be departing, but Stephen was told that he would again have to go across the airport to "check-in" since this was a flight transfer. Dread was what I felt when I learned that I was again going to be without him. I'll make this part shorter by simply saying that they gave him the run-around for several more hours by telling him to go here and there until right before the flight boarded. The flight attendant at our gate called our name over the loud speaker, and when I anxiously made my way up there she asked quite rudely, "Why haven't you checked in?" I told her that my husband was trying to do so and she asked, "Where is your husband?? You're not getting on this flight without checking in." Thank goodness he walked up, or rather ran up, right then. All I could say was, "Stephen, really?" before again starting to cry. The woman asked Stephen why I was crying, and after explaining everything, they took our bags and let us board. THANK YOU LORD GOD!! All four of us fell asleep immediately after take-off and slept until touch-down.

We arrived in New Jersey that evening around 9 pm, got a taxi, and went to the nearest available hotel for the night because, well, we can do that kind of thing in the United States. Ha! All of us again slept all night, even after sleeping on the plane, and ate a great breakfast at the hotel the next morning. The boys were back to normal after sleeping well, and they ate a ton for breakfast. Jude looked amazed at the buffet. I don't think he had ever seen that much food at one time before.

This time while we waited for our plane to board, the boys sat happily with us in the waiting area, eating some snacks, and talking to my family on the phone for the first time. Stephen taught them to say, "Howdy, howdy, howdy!" They thought that was hilarious, and Jude kept repeating that and "I loooove you!" on the phone. Liam walked around showing everyone around us his snacks and his little toy car, and making lots of new "friends". He has a very outgoing personality, and likes to interact with anyone that will pay attention to him. :)

The 2 hour flight went very well, and the flight attendant was a kind older man that really enjoyed interacting with the boys. Since the flight was only half full, he stopped often to sit down and play games with the boys and make them laugh. My favorite part, though, was when we ordered the boys apple juice and it came with ice in it. We had not gotten ice in any of our drinks before because you're not suppose to drink the water in Ethiopia, and it became clear that the boys didn't know what it was. Jude would say, "Mommy! Mommy!" and put a cube in his mouth for a second and then take it out and point and say, "Ah!" to show me that it was cold. He thought that was hilarious!

We were so glad when we landed in St Louis! It felt amazing to be home, and as we walked through the airport with a kid on each of our shoulders, Stephen and I had the biggest smiles on our faces. The process of getting home was a complete nightmare, but we had made it! We were finally home!

Bringing our boys home: Part 1

So it's been a few days since we arrived home with our boys. What a journey it's been!

Being in Ethiopia was so wonderful. The weather was cool (60s and 70s) since it's the rainy season there, and luckily it only rained for an hour or two each day so we were still able to go out and do things. We wanted to really experience Ethiopia this time since we know it will likely be quite a while before we are able to visit again.

The flight over was absolutely incredible. We had some friends in our church graciously offer to pay for our flights and send us first class, which was so relaxing! We enjoyed the luxurious first class lounges where we were able to rest, eat wonderful food, and even enjoy amazing amenities like a private bathroom with a shower and jetted tub! Our lives have been so busy during this summer season with the band playing at various camps, and I remember thinking the night before we left as I worked to finish tying up all of the loose ends that if only I had at least one day to relax before getting the boys. Well, God answered my prayer! This was exactly what Stephen and I needed, and we are so thankful to have had that time!

We arrived in Ethiopia on Monday evening so we went straight to our guesthouse for a good night's sleep before getting the boys in the morning. We were so happy to see our driver, Yitbarek, whom the boys love so much. He hadn't been the one to pick us up from the airport the night before, and he told us that next morning as we all sipped on some amazing coffee that he had actually quit driving for our agency because they didn't pay him enough. But he said that someone came to him and told him that Esrael and Surafel's parents are back to get them and that we had asked where he was so he agreed to drive again. And the agency gave him a raise to do so! I'm so thankful because our boys treated him like an uncle, and it was so special to have him with us all week. As we drove to the care center that morning Stephen and I could hardly sit still from our excitement of seeing the boys again. We kept saying, "I wonder if they'll be happy to see us? Or maybe they'll understand that they get to come with us this time? Or maybe they'll be scared? Or maybe..."

When we walked inside, one of the nannies directed us to the stairs and as we started to climb it we saw the boys at the top. They both exclaimed "Ah!" when they saw us, and Jude Surafel (4 1/2) literally jumped half way down the stairs into my arms! I hugged him tightly as I kept saying "I love you! I missed you!". Stephen hugged Liam Esrael (3) too, and then we went upstairs to the couches to sit together. We spent about an hour at the care center, playing with all the children and enjoying the coffee that several of the nannies made for us. We passed out little snacks to the kids and roses that we had bought that morning to all of the nannies. When it was time to leave, the boys' nanny, Werkenesh, came forward crying, and kept hugging me and the boys saying, "I love you! I love you!". It was so heart-breaking to have to leave. This woman was truly like a mother to my boys while they were at the care center, and I am forever in her debt for the love that she gave them. Right before we drove away, she came forward again with a picture of herself that she slipped through the window to me. I told her we would not forget her, and that I would send pictures of the boys to her. Seriously, this was so hard to leave her!

We stayed for four days in Ethiopia, and our time there with the boys was absolutely wonderful! The first day they were with us we spent mostly at our guesthouse. The boys were constantly exclaiming "Mommy! Daddy!" literally every 5 minutes or so. We played with the toys we brought, ordered some yummy food in, and gave the boys a bubble bath. When we first drew up the bath it became apparent that the boys had never had a normal bath before. I knew they didn't have a traditional tub at the care center, but still it didn't register to me that this would be a new experience for them until I saw how cautious they were to get in the tub. When they finally let us put them in, they sat down and we scooped up some of the bubble and put it on their heads. They laughed and laughed at that and within a couple of minutes they were splashing and screaming with excitement. Each evening, bath time was what they looked forward to and they spent probably 45 minutes in there each time. One of the evenings, the hot water ran out quickly but the boys were having so much fun they didn't want to get out. When they finally did, they were shivering because our room was so cold. (It had been 60 degrees that day, and our room had no A/C or heat). So I put them on the bed and pulled out my hair dryer. You should have seen the look on their faces! I think they must have thought it was a weapon or something because they looked terrified! After I showed them how the warm air blew out, they both held out their hands and feet for me to warm up with big smiles on their faces.

I was absolutely shocked when the boys went to bed at 8:30 that night and didn't wake up until 7:45 the next morning! I thought for sure they must have just been exhausted and probably wouldn't sleep that well for us in the future. But each day they took a 2-3 hour nap and still slept 10-12 hours each night. Only for one of the nights, Jude Surafel woke up briefly and said, "Daddy?" but went right back to sleep when Stephen rubbed him on his back. This is such a huge blessing that they sleep well, especially since there will be plenty to adjust to and being rested will make it that much easier.

On the last day, we took the boys to eat at a nearby restaurant for lunch so we decided to just walk there. As we walked down the street, several children begged for us to give them food, and a woman with a baby on her back pleaded with us to give her money. I seriously cried each time we would go out because there are literally starving people everywhere, dressed in rags, no shoes, and frighteningly skinny. We kept little snacks in Stephen's backpack to pass out each time we would go somewhere, and occasionally would give out money but we had to be so careful because if others would see money in our hands they would swarm us. I had wondered if it was going to bother the boys to see other children begging. I watched in fascination one day as we were stopped at a light with the window open. Several small kids and women came to the window asking for food or money, and Surafel spoke to them for a minute in Amharic and then reached into his pocket and took out the Ethiopian coins that daddy had given to him the day before. (He had seen them in Stephen's hand and was so proud when Stephen let him have them) He bent forward and placed them in their hands and then looked back at us before laying his head on Stephen's shoulder. I cannot express to you the feeling of both pride in my little boy and anguish over the poverty I was witnessing. It is moments like these that I will most certainly never forget. After lunch that day, we decided to make a quick stop at the Kaldi's coffee shop that was around the corner from our guesthouse. As we were going there, a very young girl with a baby on her back approached and asked in broken English for some food. We asked her to join us, and as we sat at the table she explained to us (with the help of a nice man sitting at the table next to us) that she had her baby when she was 13 years old. I fought to not burst into tears as she told me her story. So many of these young girls sell themselves so that their families will not starve. Then they get pregnant and become moms when they are still little girls themselves. This girl is only about 5 years old than our Kinsey. It is absolutely heart-breaking. We took the girl, whose name I could never pronounce correctly, to the grocery store and told her to pick out some groceries for her and her family. We watched as she timidly, at first, pointed to a bag of rice and then walked up and down the 4 or 5 aisles pointing to random things. I was not about to stop her. After we finished up there, we went outside and talked for a bit, sharing about God's love for her, and then she hugged and kissed us saying, "God bless you!". I didn't promise lightly when I told her we would be praying for her. I'm so thankful to have been able to experience these type of opportunities. I know God uses it to help kill the selfishness in me. When I think of this young girl, all of the materialistic desires that I have here at home start to fade. I pray that God would continue to change my heart to care more for the things that matter and less for the things that will be of no consequence in the end.

The boys and I took a long nap that last afternoon while Stephen went with Yitbarek to buy some souvenirs and coffee beans. Our flight was at 11 pm that evening (all flights out of Ethiopia are in the evening) so we knew we would need our rest. We woke up in time to go with Yitbarek to a really cool traditional Ethiopian restaurant for dinner. It was amazing! They had a stage at the front with a traditional band, and six dancers that would perform various dances in different costumes. At one point the dancers came off stage to dance with people at the tables, and Stephen was selected to stand up and dance with them. It was hilarious to watch as Stephen mimicked their unique moves. I'm happy to say that I got it on video and pictures too, although Stephen was embarrassed when he asked me not to put the video on facebook. Ha! It's funny to see him embarrassed because it doesn't happen often! :) The food was brought out on a large platter and set on the small round grass-woven table in front of us. The injera, or flatbread, covered the bottom and various scoops of saucy meats and lentils as well as boiled eggs were placed all over it. It was so good! Seriously, I really really enjoyed it. Yitbarek helped the boys eat, and we all laughed at some of the silly costumes that the dancers wore. At one point they dressed up as some sort of animal with tails attached that they kept shaking. :)

When we arrived at the airport, Yitbarek spent some time saying goodbye to the boys. I know it was hard for him since he was so affectionate with the boys, and I honestly don't think they realized that this was likely the last time that they would see him. As excited as we were to be heading home, there was so much that we were grieving at the same time.

I'll write more about our trip home and how we are doing now that we are home tomorrow. As you can imagine, there isn't a lot of time for blogging with four kids running around! :) I'm so thankful that they all go to bed at a normal time so that, at least so far, I still have a few hours in the evening to relax. Let's hope that lasts! :)

Ethiopia: 11 days and counting!

Life as we know it is about to change. In just over a week and a half, on July 3, we will be on a plane to Ethiopia to go get our little boys! I can't believe we're finally almost there. I can't believe we actually get to bring them home now.

The process to get here has been so incredible. Looking back, I can see how God has been in control over everything, both the good and the hard stuff. We've seen him preparing us throughout this process mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Each time we would look at the mountain ahead of us and start to falter we would see him gently step in and redirect our focus back to him. Going through something that is completely out of your control may seem scary, but I think it is one of the best things you can possibly do to grow your faith because it is in that time, when you simply can't control things, that you see God moving mountains. And going through those kind of situations actually gives you courage, not because you are doing anything by yourself, but because you see God in a more intimate and close way. You see his character, his tenderness, and his faithfulness.

I'm certainly not saying that we should all just go do crazy impulsive things, but I am saying that we shouldn't be afraid to let God lead us to do things that are bigger than ourselves and out of our control. That is where you will experience him on a deeper level. That's what he has been showing us.

Many people think that the hard part is almost over. We're almost done with the adoption process, and now we get to start our new life together. While we are absolutely thrilled about this, we know that the hard part is just beginning. We are bringing home two little boys that have experienced more grief and loss than many of us have as adults. They are malnourished, frightened, and speaking a completely different language than us. No, the hard part is just beginning. We are ready, though. Ready to show these precious boys that they have a family that loves them deeply. Ready to show them, day in and day out, that we will not leave them. Ready to show them that whether they are on their best behavior or throwing a tantrum, it will not affect our love for them. And most importantly, we're ready to show them the love that God has for them, that he would give Jesus to be a Savior for them just as he did for us.

My birthday is coming up in a few days, and I'll be turning 26 years old. It feels strange to be a mom to four kids by the time I turn 26! haha It certainly isn't the "normal" thing to do, and believe me I've experienced my fair share of sneers and judgmental comments. However, I don't regret becoming a mom so young, not for a moment. I'm certainly not the type that needed to "experience freedom" before settling down which is a common perspective for people my age. There are so many joys of being married and being a parent! I feel so blessed that I have my family. :)

So here we are, on the verge of something that will change our lives forever. We are excited to finally be bringing them home and confident that just as the Lord provided for us throughout the adoption process, he will continue to be faithful as we start our new life together. God is so good!!

Change

As we near the end of the school year I can't help but think about how everything is about to change for us. It's been such a great year! Kinsey finishes first grade in two weeks, and Keira finishes her last year of preschool. I can't believe how much my little girls have grown in just the last year.

This past year I've also taken care of a two-year-old little girl named McKenna. She is such a happy easy-going little girl, and it feels like she's part of the family. We're going to miss her quite a bit next year! When I first started watching her she was barely one year old. We literally watched her grow from a baby to a toddler. This morning as I was dropping the girls off at school she said in her baby voice, "Bye Kinsey! Bye Keira! Have... a.... day!" She is so sweet. :)

Stephen's job is also changing, both at the church and in his band. We are excited as he moves into a greater role in international missions among other things. This is something that we are both so passionate about and excited to work together on! As we move into the summer season, when the guys will travel for 5 weeks of camps, I can't help but think about what God is doing in the band. Not only is the dynamic changing with a new band member and new band girlfriends (which we're very excited about!) but we're also encouraged to see God continuing to mold and shape the band's vision to be more and more for mercy, justice, and compassion. Not that the band was ever about the guys just trying to be rock stars or anything like that, but you can just see God continuing to grow and mature the vision and the purpose of it. I'm so thankful for this group of people and the blessing that it's been to consider them family. :)

Certainly the biggest change to come is that we will be bringing home the boys in just a few short weeks! We won't know the exact date for our embassy meeting until a week or two before we travel so we still have at least one or two weeks before then. In some ways it makes it hard to plan since we don't know when we're going yet, but we have so much peace about it. God has been so faithful to guide our steps this far, and we know he will continue to see this through until completion. It's been so amazing to see him working in our lives along the way not only to provide for us but also to strengthen us and our marriage. I've heard quite a few comments from people about how they'd be afraid to adopt because it seems so hard, and I keep thinking, "You're missing out!" Truly it has been an incredible privilege for us. Not only do we get to bring home two precious little boys, but we've also gained courage and insight and perseverance, and our faith has been strengthened. Yes, it's very hard, but the best things in life always are. It is an experience that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world!

So this is a new season of change for us. We move forward confidently, knowing that God is guiding our steps and our hearts as we have continued to ask him to do so. Perfect love casts out all fear so we continue on boldly yet prayerfully with much thankfulness for the many many blessings that God has given us. It is only by his grace.

Home again

Hey guys! We arrived home a couple of days ago after an incredible week in Ethiopia with our little boys. I wrote a few blogs while we were there but was not able to post them because of internet issues while we were in Ethiopia. You can view the blogs for the first few days below, however I didn't write one for our last day because I ended up getting food poisoning and stayed in bed. Thankfully, one of the other couples had stomach antibiotics that they gave me, and I was feeling reasonably well by the time we had to leave for the airport that evening. It stinks that I was not able to go to the care center that last day and say good-bye to the boys, but Stephen went and spent time with them. An interpreter was there to tell Surafel that we would be coming back to get them soon, but still it's hard to have to tell them that we are leaving without them. It's awful to tell you the truth, but we trust that God is in control. Soon they will be home, and we'll be able to start our new life together. :)

Our court day! (day 4)

Today was our court appointment to officially adopt Surafel and Esrael. What an incredible experience it was! We, along with two other adoptive couples from our agency, went to the court house this morning around 9:30. We had no idea what to expect. When we arrived, we climbed up 3 or 4 flights of stairs, walked down a narrow hallway and entered into a very modest size room that was already very full of other people. We stood as a group, wondering how long we would be waiting. We quickly noticed that many of the other families there were European, and few were speaking in English. It was so interesting to see such a wide variety of people, all there in a small waiting room to adopt children from Ethiopia.

One by one families were called into the next room, and within a minute or so they would exit. We kept wondering what they do in there that takes such a short period of time. Slowly the room cleared out until we were some of the last people waiting. Then we heard our agency's name called. All three of us couples, along with our agency's representative, Haile, entered into the next room. The judge sat behind a desk on one end of the room, and we all sat in chairs along the opposite wall. She first asked which family was adopting each child, and then began by asking a few questions.

"Do you all have children of your own?"

"Yes", we replied in unison.

"Have you told your children about the adoption of these children?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to teach your adopted children about their culture?"

"Yes."

"Do you understand that this cannot be reversed?"

"Yes."

"Okay, that is all I wanted to know. They are yours."

Apparently our MOWA letter had arrived a couple of weeks prior to our trip. We looked at each other in shock as they opened the door for us to leave. I think all of us were crying as we made our way down the stairs and back out to the van. They're really ours now? These boys...they are our children... for real. It was the same feeling as when Kinsey and Keira were placed in our arms for the first time. What a wonderful feeling!

We all ate a quick lunch before heading to the care center to see OUR kids! I watched as Surafel kicked a soccer ball, and Esrael chased him around with a ball of his own. These boys have no idea what just happened, but it's going to change everything for them.

We decided to take the boys to go get ice-cream to celebrate a successful court day. Up until this point we hadn't seen anything that looked like a regular grocery store, but our driver, Yitbarek, was able to find us a nearby supermarket. Now, supermarket in Ethiopia actually means a small store that is about five or six aisles wide, but still it was the most modern store we had seen yet. When we walked in we were shocked and excited to see a few car baskets at the front. The boys climbed inside excitedly and started pretending to drive. They were having a blast, and it was so awesome to see them really enjoying themselves.

The store had a small soft serve ice-cream machine, and when I handed Surafel a cup of it as he sat happily in his car basket, he looked up at me and slowly said, "Thank... you." I bent down and kissed his cheek, and clapped for him for speaking in English. He looked so proud as I kept telling him "Good job! What a smart boy!". I think this is going to be one of my favorite memories for years to come.

When we climbed back in the van, Stephen sat in the front holding a large box filled with little cups of ice-cream for the rest of the kids at the care center. I was a little worried as I sat in between Surafel and Esrael that Surafel might get upset because he always sat in Stephen's lap. But he sat happily next to me as he ate his ice-cream, glancing up from time to time with a big smile on his face. He kept taking a bite and then would slide a little closer to me, then a little more until he just climbed into my lap. I held him tightly as I thought about how within just a few short days this little guy has really let his guard down with us despite his past trauma. I can't wait for the day that we get to bring them home, and they get to experience life in a loving family every single day.

When we arrived back at the care center everyone hopped out and started handing out ice-cream to the other children. Surafel proudly gave some to each of his friends. Esrael insisted on staying in the van though. I'm telling you, he is crazy about cars! We sat in the front seat with our driver as he let Esrael hold onto the steering wheel. I kept trying to feed him some of the ice-cream, but he would just shake his head and kept pulling on the steering wheel. Then Yitbarek offered him a bite of his, and he took it. He laughed and said in broken English, "It's because... he loves...me." I laughed too and said, "Yes, he does. And he loves your car too!". He thought that was hilarious. I'm so thankful that Yitbarek is so loving and playful with our boys. He acts more like an uncle with them. The boys see him weekly since he is the official driver for our agency, and Esrael especially is very close to him.

We were sad to say good-bye again. This time Esrael wouldn't let go of me, and Surafel clung to Stephen too. Their nanny came and pulled them away so that we could leave. It was awful to leave like that. I am really thankful for their nanny, though, because she is incredibly kind and loving with them. You can tell that they love her, and she is always showering them with affection. Earlier that day, she came up while I was holding Esrael and squeezed his chubby cheeks and kissed them. Then she said in English, "I love you!". Esrael made a face back at her and they started sticking their tongues out at each other playfully. I'm thankful for this woman, and that she is truly caring for our boys!

We've still got a ways to go before our boys come home. It's usually 6-8 weeks before the embassy date is set which is when we come back to Ethiopia and all of the formal paperwork is finally finished processing. In the grand scheme of things, 6-8 weeks isn't a long time, but when I think about each individual day that our boys have to wait in the care center without us, it seems like forever. We rest in the sovereignty of God, knowing that He is faithful not only to provide for all of our needs, but also for our sons. Jude Surafel and Liam Esrael.

Day 2 & 3 in Ethiopia

These past few days have been so incredibly amazing, so exhausting, so wonderful…

On our second trip to the care center, it was so encouraging to see Esrael, our two-year-old, spot us when we arrived and run straight to us. As I held him, we peeked into the tiny classroom on the right hand side that had a misspelled sign over it saying, “Pre-shcool”. We listened quietly as the four and five year olds repeated “One, two, three, four…” after their teacher. She saw us standing there, said something to Surafel , and he quickly jumped up and turned around. Then a huge smile came across his face and he ran to Stephen to hug him. Stephen picked him up and put him on his shoulders and they bounced down the hallway to the front steps where we had left a suitcase full of toys and snacks. I took Esrael out too, and we all sat on the steps looking through the suitcase. Both boys enjoyed some juice boxes and oranges, and then we played with the bubbles.

The family that is adopting Surafel’s best friend also sat on the steps, showing their little boy, Nati, what they had brought for him. He also had bubbles, and it was so funny to watch as the boys blew bubbles in each others faces and ears. At one point, one of the bubbles popped in Nati’s eye, and they started roughhousing. We sat and watched as Surafel and Nati would chase each other and hold up their fist or leg as if they were going to hit or kick each other, and then they would drop it back down. At that moment I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, having boys is going to be so different!” haha The other family has several girls already, and Nati will be their first boy so we joked together about how different it is going to be for us to have boys!

Stephen kicked a ball back and forth with Surafel, and ended up tickling him and swung him up onto his shoulders again. Surafel pretended to play drums on Stephen’s head, and then he bend down and kissed Stephen’s cheek several times. I almost cried as I watched Stephen pull Surafel down, swing him in his arms several times and then kiss him back.

Things seemed to be going very smoothly, and about the time I started to wonder when we would see some behavioral issues from all of the trauma that Surafel in particular been through, something happened. Surafel found a hollow black stick, similar to PVC pipe, and after banging on a few outdoor trash cans like he was playing the drums, Stephen snuck it out of his hand. He jumped around trying to catch it while Stephen would swing it around and gently poke his tummy or tap his legs, keeping it just out of his reach. You could tell Surafel was getting frustrated that he couldn’t grab it back, and when he finally did he smacked Stephen’s leg with it as hard as he could. When Stephen gently told him “No” he ran off with it to play with his friend. But it wasn’t more than a few minutes before his friend took something of his and so he picked up the stick again and hit his friend.

At this point, we felt we needed to intervene so Stephen took the stick from him and again said “No, no” gently but firmly. Surafel’s head dropped, and he burst into tears. Stephen picked him up and and held him tightly as some of the nannies came outside to console him, but Surafel wouldn’t let them. He sobbed with his face buried in Stephen’s shoulder, so Stephen sat on the ground with him in his lap, leaning against the outside of the building. He cried hard for a good 30 or 40 minutes straight. Stephen quietly sang in his ear, and repeated, “Surafel, I love you. Ewedhalo .” (which is Amharic for I love you) I sat nearby on the steps with Esrael and tried not to cry at the thought of how difficult Surafel’s life has been so far, and how I probably would throw a fit too if I had experienced as much trauma and loss as he has. Poor baby, he’s been through so much. As hard as it was to witness this, I’m glad that it happened because we are already starting to build trust with him. Stephen was able to show him that even though he was acting up, we are still going to hug and hold him and tell him how much he is loved. I have a feeling that it’s going to take a lot of these kinds of moments with him where we are able to show him that no matter what, we are not leaving and will not stop loving him.

In our training seminar, we were told that you cannot be too patient, too gracious, too lavishing, too loving when it comes to traumatized children. They need countless experiences where they are able to see that they have a mom and dad that love them deeply, that are not going to leave, and that will meet all of their needs and even many of their wants. They gave the analogy of two baskets that have rocks in them, one symbolizing good experiences and one symbolizing bad experiences. With traumatized children, they’ve had so many bad “rocks” and as an adoptive parent, you must consistently reach into their lives and move the bad “rocks” into the good basket. To replace bad experiences with ones of love, joy, security, and stability. It’s a hard job to move all of those rocks from the bad basket over to the good one, and it takes not only consistency but also time. BUT studies show that when children are placed with loving families, they can heal incredibly well over time and grow up to be happy and well-adjusted adults. That’s what we want for Surafel and Esrael. Esrael doesn’t seem to have as hard of a time with everything. Though he looks wide-eyed and nervous at times, he’s still such a baby with much fewer memories of his past. I can only hope that he doesn’t remember as much of the pain that they have been through.

We left that day on a very good note, and as Surafel started to look sad that we had to leave, we had his nanny tell him that tomorrow we would take them to our hotel to play for the day. He looked very excited and hugged us tightly. We showed up the next morning, and sure enough the boys were ready to go! Surafel looked toward the van expectantly, and he had the biggest smile on his face as we climbed in. Both of the boys loved the drive. Esrael especially loves cars. The nannies often smile and laugh at him because he is always saying “Makina! Makina!” (Car! Car!) We spent the afternoon in our hotel room, first playing with the cars and planes on the floor while drinking juice boxes. Stephen had lunch delivered from a nearby restaurant and Esrael insisted on sitting in my lap while we ate. He sat facing me while I fed him ravioli and then proceeded to try and feed me french fries. It was so cute how he would put one up to my mouth, I would bite it, and then he would put the other half in his mouth. Surafel sat happily eating his food, and exclaiming something in Amharic from time to time. It’s so hard to not be able to understand the things he’s saying. He’s so expressive, and I love to watch him talking. At one point during the meal Esrael dropped his toy “Makina”. Surafel quickly bent down to get it for him, and as he handed it to his brother he said, “Car.” I looked up and said, “Surafel! You said it in English! You said car! Very good!!” He looked so proud, and had such a big grin on his face. I love his smile!

Towards the end of the afternoon, I noticed that although the boys had had a ton to eat and drink neither of them had used the restroom since we left the care center that morning. I walked with Esrael into the bathroom and asked if he needed to go while pointing to the potty. He slowly shrugged his shoulders and walked out, but within a couple of minutes he came up to me while pulling on the front of his shorts. So I helped him sit up there while he went. It was then that it hit me that my two-year-old is potty trained! This means no diapers for us. Yay! J Esrael loves washing his hands, which is such a good thing in a third-world country. We must have washed our hands 10 or 12 times that afternoon.

I got the cutest video of Esrael sitting on the ground pretending to fly his airplane in the air. He discovered a piece of chocolate on the nearby table and sat down to unwrap it. It was hilarious to watch him slowly but surely get it open and then transfer it from hand to hand as it melted all over the place. He finally just put the whole thing in his mouth, and then looked around for something to wipe his hands with. When he found nothing, he reached forward and wiped his fingers on his toy airport. Daddy then came to the rescue with a wipe for him. I think this is going to be one of our favorite home videos for years to come. J

There was no crying when we took them home late that afternoon, but Esrael clung tightly to me, and a nanny had to try to distract him with a toy car while I slipped out the door. I can’t wait for the day that we don’t have to leave them anymore. We can’t wait to bring them home, and show them that they really are part of our family forever. Tomorrow morning is our court date. If the MOWA letter is there, we will probably be able to bring them home either late May or sometime in June. If it’s not, things will be delayed 3-4 weeks. We have a peace about it and know that God knows when is the best time for them to come home. He certainly sees a bigger picture than us so we trust him that he will be faithful to take care of us and the boys. Still, as parents we want to have our children home as soon as possible. J