I am SO glad it is over!
Not that starting a new year automatically means that the specific difficulties that we've dealt with the past year and pain we've experienced will all of the sudden vanish, but I do feel like in some ways we are getting a fresh start.
Stephen and I have been married for almost 10 years now, and both of us agree that this has definitely been the hardest year of lives since we've been married... maybe ever. The other day I told him that I've nicknamed this year "The year from Hell" and we both laughed for a minute before our laughter turned into genuine tears. So much pain... at times it feels like we're on a roller coaster and don't know how we should feel.
Do we laugh at how ridiculous some of the things we've gone through have been and the sheer amount of it all? Do we shrug our shoulders and just keep moving? Do we let the tears keep coming even though it seems like there's something else every time we turn around?
We've been clinging to God all the more this past year and the knowledge that he is faithful and good even in the hard times. I mean, we, like everyone else, have been through hard times. We know what it's like to experience financial stress, job changes, health issues and more. But this... good grief, it takes my breath away. Never have we experienced such deep pain... and so much of it.
One of the things that we've recently started doing to help us wade through some of this has been to start seeing a Christian counselor. I'll admit that I was a bit nervous about going at first. We've heard great things from so many friends about how helpful counseling can be, and yet I had concerns about opening up to someone about things that have been so hurtful to us. Could they really understand?
When we shared what we've been going through the past year or so with our counselor I actually was shocked at his response. I think I was expecting him to say something about just trusting God more or perhaps even belittle the pain that we were in. Instead he said, "I'm amazed that you two are sitting here together to seek healing and try to move forward. Half of what you just told me would be enough stress to wreck a marriage." I think that was exactly the encouragement that I needed to hear. Yeah, you have gone through a great deal of difficulty. And it's ok to be in pain. It doesn't mean that you don't trust the Lord. Something that he said that really stuck out to me was this.
"You have gone through some things that are very painful and they are worth grieving over. The loss of a baby, the loss of a friendship, the death of a dream... These are things that are naturally heartbreaking for us and rightly so. There isn't a moment in this world where beauty and brokenness aren't kissing. It is necessary for us to grieve over these things and appropriate for us to weep and lament over them."
I've done my fair share of weeping this year. I am ready for a new chapter. I am ready to see the Lord bring about healing and restoration in our lives. I know that there is a season for everything, and also that God is near the broken-hearted. I have felt him very near me this year, even in the pain. And now I am ready to see him do a new work in our lives... to turn our ashes into beauty. What a good God I have! I am in awe of his faithfulness and grace in my life! I am so undeserving and yet he is good and kind and faithful anyway. Thank you, Lord.
